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Bolly sees green

Badge-kissing was just the start. Doug the Rug has a few more commercial tricks up his sleeve

Jarrod Kimber

Comments: 4 | Text size: A | A
Doug Bollinger is excited by Runako Morton's dismissal, Australia v West Indies, 2nd ODI, Adelaide, 9 February, 2010
Eeek: Bollinger takes a moment, mid-game, to endorse a slasher movie © Getty Images
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Players/Officials: Doug Bollinger

As we all know, Doug Bollinger is the smartest man in cricket. While this title was never in danger, he took it to another level and actually kissed a sponsor's logo on his shirt (for a particularly unpleasant beer) against the Kiwis. It may have looked like an accident, but it was in fact phase one of an elaborate monetising plan that Doug has been organising when he first realised he was marketable sporting commodity.

When Doug arrives for the IPL, phase two will start. He has an exclusive contract that will mean all of his interviews will end up as product placements. His agent is yet to give him the final script, but an early draft looked like this: "I just knew I had to get the ball in the Toyota right areas. Today the ball came out as well as Avatar will on DVD and I am really just looking forward to using my Dr Scholl's Foot Bath after a long day at work."

Phase three is still yet to be fully exploited, but Doug is hoping to make money from his body not just his hair. This time he was thinking of tattoos on both his arms, and possibly forehead, if the right sponsors can be found. For his arms he was thinking of a gym, but for his forehead he wants something classy, like McDonalds or Nike.

Unfortunately phase four is already at a dead end. Doug had hoped to get his own brand of champagne, the Doug Bollinger Bollinger, but the Bollinger champagne company decided they wanted to go in a different direction. Being the persistent sort, Doug is still in talks with the famous brand and wants to put on an entertainment extravaganza where he smashes the bottles with his fast bowling - although he will have to promise to not kick any he fails to bowl over.

Phase five included several meetings with Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton, but it looks like artistic differences have caused that idea to be scrapped.

Doug realises that social media is the gateway straight into the hearts of the fans. Phase six, where he plans to take Twitter by storm, is inspired by Graeme Swann, Shane Warne, Tim Bresnan and Phil Hughes. Sample tweet: "I love Justin Bieber, he has soul, u no what i mean."

Being a huge fan of the NBA in the 90s, Doug remembers Jeff Hornacek wiping his face before taking a free throw as a secret wave to his children. For phase seven Doug is working on a number of secret advertising signals that he can do at the top of his mark. So far all he has is the KFC chicken-wing signal. This signal will not be used in games against the Windies.

Phase eight is not completely thought out, but Doug was wondering if the commentators would refer to him as Ford's Doug Bollinger without him having to give them a cut.

For the final phase Doug has taken from two of his favourite sportsmen, David Beckham and Brian Lara. Doug knows that celebrity children can be quite a marketable commodity, but in order to cash in without having to sell tacky photos, he is going to name his child George Foreman Grill Bollinger.

Some people might have made fun of Doug for kissing the logo, but Doug will laugh last as the man who revolutionised sports advertising.

RSS FeedJarrod Kimber, the mind responsible for, is an Australian writer based in London. His new book is now on sale. Any or all quotes and facts in this article may be wholly or partly fictional (but you knew that already, didn't you?)

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Comments: 4 
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Posted by Jarrod on (March 31, 2010, 15:58 GMT)

SrinR, You don't. But if you buy anything mentioned in this piece, mention my name, maybe they will pay me retrospectively.

Posted by Charles on (March 31, 2010, 12:00 GMT)

About the only good line, alas. Not his best work.

Posted by Srin on (March 31, 2010, 11:46 GMT)

Here's a thought: If I had not read this column, I would never have known about that foot bath thing and that champagne brand. Hey Jarrod mate, how do we know you're not being paid by those companies for cleverly sneaking in those brand names in your column?

Posted by nicky on (March 31, 2010, 9:10 GMT)

Good one...

"I just knew I had to get the ball in the Toyota right areas" was too gud!

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