Anatomy of an Australia humiliation
So this is what happens when Australia are not illogically bailed out by their tail. On a glorious day, a flat, dry pitch, against bowling of moderate standard, the tourists fell utterly and comically apart. At the moment of greatest possible importance in the series so far, they conjured the worst performance possible. Englishmen wondered aloud if they had ever been quite as bad as this during 16 years of Ashes embarrassments up to 2005. Australians looked sheepishly for somewhere to hide, or to drink.
Up on the balcony, the coach Darren Lehmann could offer only rueful smiles as a succession of his batsmen found increasingly idiotic ways of getting out. For all his qualities as a mentor and uniting-force, Lehmann can do little about such a woeful lack of application, now clearly established as the dominant pattern of Australian batsmanship in the era beyond Ricky Ponting and Michael Hussey. There will surely be no coming back from this. Not in this match, nor this series, nor possibly the next one in Australia.
Of course the chances of the touring batsmen putting together a decent, coherent first innings response to England's quite middling 361 were always slim, based on all recent evidence. They had run the Trent Bridge Test so unforgettably close mainly due to the freak contributions of the Nos. 11, Ashton Agar in the first innings and James Pattinson in the second. They had been called to account for this by Lehmann in the aftermath of the Test, and the omission of Ed Cowan had provided a reminder to all that mediocrity was not to be tolerated.
Yet the circumstances of the match and the series demanded, beseeched and implored something of the batsmen. There was no better stage on which to perform than a sun-drenched second day at Lord's, the crowd packed into St John's Wood, the sky flecked with the merest clouds and the opposition's first innings far short of intimidating - propped up by England's last pair, Stuart Broad and Graeme Swann, coshing a joyful 48 in half an hour. This was not a day to lose wickets, but Australia gifted them away. England's bowlers go home as well stocked as rich kids at Christmas.
No great signs of peril were initially evident. Shane Watson and Chris Rogers began soundly enough, surviving the typically probing early overs of James Anderson and then accelerating nicely towards the lunch interval. Tim Bresnan looked unthreatening, and Swann's first over decidedly tame, Watson nudging a single and Rogers cuffing him twice for two.
Alastair Cook swung Bresnan around to the Pavilion End for the final over of the morning session, hoping for a change of fortune. He was to get it in maddening circumstances for Australia.
Watson squanders a lot of starts, gets out lbw almost as often, and wastes precious decision referrals with similar profligacy. Now he was to do all three at once. Playing around his front pad at Bresnan's nip-backer, he immediately granted England an opening into the unstable and reshuffled batting beneath. Whatever the merits of Michael Clarke's alleged description of Watson as a cancer on the team, his dismissal on the stroke of lunch infected Australia's batsmen and their thinking.
Having lost a review, Rogers and the new No. 3 Usman Khawaja were conscious of not wasting the one they had remaining. So when Rogers contrived quite bizarrely to miss a high full toss from Swann, his shock was also accompanied by worry about burning the other referral. Khawaja had little to offer in the way of a second opinion, and Rogers wandered off in a daze that would only be enhanced by replays showing the ball drifting well past leg stump. Suddenly the Australians were not only two down but mortified at having double-crossed themselves in doing so.
The man walking out at No. 4 would not be Clarke but Phillip Hughes, the captain choosing to demote himself to his favoured spot in the order. As the only batsman who could be said to have completely succeeded in his chosen position during one innings at Trent Bridge, Hughes had reason to be miffed about his move. His state of mind would be exposed by a haywire slash at a Bresnan ball not there for the drive and a thin edge behind. Hughes was not sure he had hit the ball and so reviewed the decision. Moments later Australia had lost their final review.
Khawaja had waited more than 18 months for this chance but on the evidence of this innings he had not made sufficient use of that time. In a halting display that appeared wracked by nerves, he edged pace through the cordon, was dropped at slip when Swann extracted a nick, evaded a staunch lbw appeal and then perished to a panicked attempt to loft down the ground. Before the series Khawaja had spoken of his hunger to play Test matches again. In circumstances demanding patience, composure and desire, he did not appear particularly famished at all.
Steve Smith and Clarke were then to fall in ways that reflected some credit on the bowlers, but also demonstrated a limited capacity to thwart them. Noted as a good player of spin, Smith's hands wandered too low so a Swann delivery with some top spin kicked up and struck the gloves on the way to short leg. Clarke made a start of some promise, showing more energy and intent than he had managed at Trent Bridge, but fell to the simplest of bowling plans. Broad hurled down a few short balls to push Clarke back, then a full one to pin him in front of the stumps. England celebrated raucously but might have expected more of a fight for the most prized wicket of all.
Agar and Brad Haddin represented Australia's last real hope of significantly reducing the deficit. Their runs in Nottingham had pushed Australia to the brink. Their parting at Lord's would epitomise a day of infamy. A short ball directed at Haddin's hip bobbled away on the legside, but he was oblivious to Agar's call and sprint for a single. As Matt Prior collected the ball and threw neatly to the non-striker's end, Agar turned and hared back for the crease, but found himself well short.
If anguish had been the natural response to the dismissals of Watson, Rogers, Hughes and Khawaja, then Agar's departure was something like the final insult. From 42 for 0, Australia had dived to 96 for 7, ceding all control of the match and the series to their hosts. When Ryan Harris and James Pattinson cobbled 24 for the final wicket, they posted the second highest partnership of the innings. In Nottingham, Australia's final pair had been the source of miracles. At Lord's it was simply a reminder of how horridly inadequate the rest had been.
Daniel Brettig is an assistant editor at ESPNcricinfo. He tweets here