The Long Handle
Justin Langer for coach
Australia could do with his intensity and ideas of rose-cultivation
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Wednesday, 9th November
We all tend to put off household repairs, and cricket boards are no different. In the 1990s, the TCCB had long chats about what needed to be done around the place, but invariably concluded that rising damp, woodworm and peeling wallpaper were probably cyclical and wasn’t it time for another cup of tea? In India, the BCCI have dealt with the nasty stain on their reputation that appeared last summer by covering it with that portrait of MS Dhoni lifting the World Cup that was hanging in the foyer.
But Australia have set about their renovation with gusto. Having thrown out much of the old furniture, including a rickety old Nielsen that was starting to look a little last decade, they are just waiting on delivery of a new coach. Steve Rixon is the favourite, mainly it seems because he has a strong relationship with Michael Clarke and bonding with the captain is now an essential skill for aspiring national coaches, right up there with looking good in a baseball cap and glaring menacingly at press conferences.
It seems Michael likes Steve’s sense of humour and Steve loves the way Michael says “Obviously, I’m disappointed…” and no doubt they’ll make a fine couple. But I’d give it to Justin Langer. I think he’d bring a wild unblinking, “Are you looking at me?” intensity to the role, as well as extreme martial arts (I’m picturing Mitchell Johnson head-butting planks of wood painted with Andrew Strauss’s likeness) and rose cultivation. Tending to these delicate blooms will help players to develop patience and attention to detail, whilst the thorns will fine-tune their swear reflexes.
Full postThe Perth state of mind
If you're a breezy fella, you might be a Scorcher, yeah?
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Monday, 7th November
Like dragging a piano up the north face of the Eiger or trying to remove a recalcitrant hippo from a swimming pool full of blancmange, building a successful Test team depends on everyone pulling together. Take Sri Lanka. They’ve lost another Test series but chairman of selectors, Duleep Mendis, sees the bigger picture:
"It is not easy replacing players of the calibre of Murali, Sanath, Vaas and Marvan. It will take some time and we will hit some rough patches while in the process.”
Quite so. You’re rebuilding so the last thing you want is for people to start laying into the team just because they lose the odd series along the way. Am I right, Mr M?
Full postThe wild life of Shahid Afridi
Where do you think he was during his latest retirement stint?
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Wednesday, 2nd November
Something strange is afoot. Back at the soggy end of September, Graeme Swann suggested that West Indies hadn’t bowled well enough to dismiss England for 88. And yet the scoreboard read, “England 88 all out”. Mysterious. And now history has repeated itself. “They hardly got us out,” said Bangladeshi captain Mushfiqur Rahim, after some bowlers or other had dismissed the Tigers for 278.
Every time West Indies roll into town, the home team suddenly and mysteriously begin losing wickets. What is going on? Is it a conspiracy? Have the men from the Caribbean finally managed to incorporate Klingon cloaking technology, making Marlon Samuels invisible to the naked eye? Or could it be that they’ve found a decent bowling attack and the rest of the world is being a little ungracious?
Thursday, 3rd November
Give praise to the god of satire, for Afridi is back! His unconditional unretirement (slight return) means that the cricket world is approximately 10% more interesting in real terms. So how have you been keeping, Shahid?
Full postThe curse of Premier League football
The youth of Pakistan are moving away from cricket
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Friday, 28th October
His Buttiness has gone, but the effects of Buttism linger. Pakistan’s cricketers are currently playing a home series 1200 miles away from home and cricket fans in Pakistan haven’t been able to watch their team play live for two and half years. Thanks to Ijaz’s patented formula for administration (Crisis x Incompetence = Disaster²) who knows how many have given up on the sport altogether?
And since the globalised sports marketplace deplores a vacuum, it appears that the imaginations of Pakistani youth are being seduced by, of all things, Premier League football. Quite why anyone in Pakistan would want to watch a bunch of overrated, overpaid, whining hooligans play-acting, spitting and kicking at each other is beyond me, particularly when they can already get that on the Parliament Channel.
But it seems that the doings of Terry, Torres and Suarez are of increasing interest to the citizens of Pakistan and so now Manchester United are supplying “exclusive” content to their mobile phones. Just imagine that. As well as being able to see Wayne Rooney swearing in slow-mo on your television, you can now take the foul-mouthed moron with you on the train, to the dentist or visiting your grandmother.
Full postWhat should Chris Gayle apologise for?
For starters, for not using the correct pronoun
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Wednesday, 26th October
Chris Gayle wants some clarification from the big cheeses at the WICB:
“They need to come clear and say what Chris Gayle should apologise for, and what should Chris Gayle retract.”
Well, for a start, I think he owes us all an apology for continually referring to himself in the third person. If people keep doing that, then Andrew Hughes is afraid that he won’t be able to work out who is saying what to whom. And if the WICB join in, the introduction of the third person plural could take us into new realms of bafflement.
Full postCook's Losing Symphony
It hasn't quite been music to the ears
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Friday, 21st October
The Test Championship has been delayed until 2017, or to put it another way, the Test Championship has been indefinitely postponed. The ICC loves a gimmick and they toyed with the concept for a while, but inevitably they grew bored. Perhaps now people will understand: the ICC is not interested in preserving Test cricket. The BCCI don’t care either, nor do the PCB, Cricket South Africa, Sri Lanka Cricket or the West Indies Cricket Board.
We can’t really blame them. They already have two profitable international formats, which is one more than FIFA. Why would they care about a third that doesn’t make any money and which no one bothers to turn up to watch? And what about the English? Tests still turn a profit here, so surely we should be leading the fight to save them? Nope. As long as the sun shines on a packed Lord’s every June, we don’t care.
I don’t expect we’ll bother doing anything about it until it’s too late, when there’s only us and our favourite cousins left playing the five-day game and the Future Tours Programme consists of nothing but the Ashes. Those who claim to love Test cricket need to get moving because at this rate, it’s going the same way as top hats, penny farthings, the curly perm and responsible investment banking.
Full postODIs are dying? Sez who?
And what's with all the frowning and snarling, England
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Tuesday, 18th October
The War On One-Day Internationals may not involve tanks, camouflaged trousers or iffy occupations, but that doesn’t mean it’s not real. There are people out there who want to destroy our way of life or, at the very least, to significantly reduce the amount of 50-over cricket we are able to watch, which is almost as bad. And these people are not shifty subversives skulking in dingy alleyways. They operate in broad daylight, on our most popular websites (and thecricketer.com).
“It now seems pointless warning the administrators about the proliferation of one-day cricket. They simply are not listening and will only learn when the paying public start voting with their feet.”
Quite so, Mr Agnew. Any idea when this voting-with-feet thing is likely to happen? I only ask, because one-day internationals have been going since 1971 and y’know, they’re kind of still popular and that. At least, they are with the people who matter, which is us, the spectators. We know commentators and journalists don’t like them, but since you don’t even pay to go to them, this is a bit rich. What’s that, Mr Roebuck?
Full postSordid details only
Cricketers' autobiographies that provide more scores than scandals should be chucked into flaming piles of dung
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Sunday, 16th October
Andy Flower is wrong. He thinks autobiographies from current players are a bad idea because they might reveal dressing-room secrets. Au contraire, Mr F, that is precisely why they are a good idea. The only autobiographies worth reading are the ones that are packed with gossip, and gossip, like fertiliser, should be spread while it’s still fresh. Nobody wants the inside scoop on the 1978 series between New Zealand and Pakistan, we want to know what is going on behind closed doors right now.
No, the real problem with these books is not an excess but a lack of muck-raking. I can understand why a player wouldn’t want to offend his comrades, ex-comrades and soon to be ex-comrades, but without the gossip what are you left with? A loose collection of reheated golf stories, nickname anecdotes and a lot of whingeing about hotels. This is why most autobiographies are duller than a Wednesday afternoon session of the Parliamentary Select Committee on Paper Clip Standardisation.
Steve Harmison once claimed not to have read his book about the 2006 Ashes. I don’t blame you Steve, I didn’t read it either. Indeed these books are not designed to be read, only to be bought. They are part of the cricketer’s brand, a commercial PR exercise, like being seen in public supping from cans of barely digestible caffeine-themed liquid or tweeting about how this new washing powder you’ve tried really does get your cricket whites whiter than white at a price that won’t hurt your wallet.
Full postThe end of Butt
The show goes off stage after three years of tickling audiences' ribs
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Wednesday, 12th October
The long-awaited sequel to Bye Bye Birdie may not win many awards, but it will be warmly received. Bye Bye Butty is the story of one man’s slapstick boardroom escapades after he is mistaken for a senior cricket administrator and finds himself running the PCB for three years. A hilarious sequence of mishaps and pratfalls ensues, made all the more poignant by the fact that it’s based on a true story.
But after several scrapes and legal near-misses, the hapless impostor is rumbled and he is forced to clear his desk. The show includes a rousing rendition of “I Did It My Way (Badly)” as the hero is cheered off the stage by an enthusiastic audience and ends with a tearful lament entitled, “What Will We Write About Now?”, performed by a chorus of comedians, satirists and journalists.
So farewell, Ijaz and a big hello to Mr Zaka Ashraf! I’m sure his credentials are impeccable. For a start, he is, er, a banker. But hey, we shouldn’t hold that against him, after all, not all bankers are irresponsible sociopaths. What else has he got going for him? Well, he’s a friend of President Zardari. But hey, we shouldn’t hold that against him, not all friends of President Zardari get top jobs just because they’re friends of President Zardari, although come to think of it, most of them do.
Full postThe truth about Malinga's slingers
It's all done through a detonation device, for sure
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Sunday, 9th October
The League of Runners-Up is over and at last Mumbai have won something other than the Best Team In Mumbai Trophy. The injury-prone Indians lumbered to a bruising points victory over the Chris Gayle XI in a scrappy dust-up made fascinating by the flaws of the contenders. In the blue corner: Harbhajan’s half-fit Hamstring-Tweakers. And in the red corner: Daniel’s One-Trick Ponies (or perhaps, Two-and-a-half Trick Ponies, if you count Kohli and half a Dilshan).
But this is Planet IPL and Bangalore can still win this thing where it really matters: in the courts. I reckon they’d have a good case. For a start, there was clear evidence of bias towards the men in blue. After being careless enough to allow several of their players to be injured, Mumbai were granted special permission to play an extra foreigner. Yet when Bangalore asked if their captain could increase his quota of overs from four to 20, on the grounds that none of their other bowlers were any good, their entirely reasonable request was turned down.
And then there is Malinga. Watching him shatter the timber against Somerset yesterday, I began to suspect he is up to something. If my hunch is right, while the Slinger is warming up, Rayudu plants a small explosive charge at the base of each stump and then, at the moment of delivery, Malinga presses the button on his hand-held yorker detonation device. Sometimes he doesn’t even let go of the ball. No wonder his victims look so bemused.
Full post