The Long Handle
Return of the super-villain
Lalit Modi is back with a case full of deadly Twenty20 leagues
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Wednesday, 22nd June
You might think that whole ICL business was just a lot of fuss about nothing. But former Cricket South Africa big grapefruit Norman Arendse was on hand today with a timely history lesson. Back in 2007 premier league proliferation was a deadly threat. The cricket world stood on the very brink of chaos. There were fears that it would be like Kerry Packer all over again, only without the flared trousers.
“Actually, with money, they could start a league on the moon and it would work.”
A figure of speech surely? Maybe. Or maybe not. Leaked documents from the BCCI’s Committee on Fantasy Scenarios reveal that at the time the organisation was deeply worried about the threat of lunar Twenty20. Working closely with NASA, they had begun construction of Megalomania 1, the world’s first Interplanetary Premier League Detection Satellite, capable of seeking out and litigating against unsanctioned franchise-based league forms anywhere in the solar system.
Full postThe odd jobs of England's players
Why the ECB is hiring them out for weddings etc
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Saturday, 18th June
The ECB today confirmed that the recent unseasonal downpours have revealed a significant leakage issue associated with the roof of their head office, with the potential for unsightly stains and long-term damage to structural integrity. In order to address this problem, they have arranged a friendly game between the England cricket team and the Easy-Fit Roofing Company XI, for which tickets will soon go on sale to the public (£75 for adults or £74.50 for under-16s).
They have also let it be known that the England team is available at a reasonable rate for weddings, bar mitzvahs and impromptu barbeques; Jonathan Trott will spend the autumn on loan to the British Archaelogical Society, helping with their excavations at Stonehenge; Chris Tremlett is to assist the Hampshire Fire Service with their tree-focused kitten retrieval programme, and Kevin Pietersen will be treading the boards this winter in the touring production of 2008’s popular farce, Oops, Mr Stanford!
Monday, 20th June
Out in the Caribbean, the war of the abbreviations is turning ugly. The WICB have alleged that at their latest meeting with the WIPA, President Ramnarine lost his temper, turned into a green-skinned tower of muscular rage, splitting his shirt in the process and threatened senior WICB executives with an easy chair. The WIPA dispute this version of events, claiming that Mr Ramnarine merely got out of his seat prematurely during a game of musical chairs.
Full postThe ugliness of well-played Test cricket
And the British public's shameful treatment of the Rose Bowl
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Tuesday, June 14th
I’m not sure that cricketers should be allowed to talk too much in public, but I’d make an exception in the case of Graeme Swann because every now and then he comes out with something that causes me to stop chewing my cereal in surprise. Like this statement, for instance:
“If there’s an uglier top three in the world than Strauss, Cook and Trott, I don’t know of it.”
This is the kind of thing we want to read. Signs of cracks in the depressingly immaculate team spirit of Team England. They may be all huddles and embarrassing dances on the field, but secretly, they loathe each other. Still, I did think he was being a bit harsh. After all, Strauss has a certain square-jawed charm and his deputy possesses the most immaculate set of eyebrows in the county of Essex.
Full postAn outbreak of verbal diarrhoea
Saturday, 11th June This summer there will be no T-shaped gesturing, no slow handclapping from the crowd and no sheepish-looking umpires changing their minds
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Saturday, 11th June
This summer there will be no T-shaped gesturing, no slow handclapping from the crowd and no sheepish-looking umpires changing their minds. Though the rest of the cricket world has gone DRS crazy, India continue to oppose it with Trott-like stubbornness, for reasons that are not entirely clear. It remains one of the sport’s enduring mysteries, like why professional sportsmen can’t play on wet grass, and how exactly a game of cricket is enhanced by having young women dancing near to it.
We know that Dhoni and Tendulkar regard the DRS with the same suspicion with which a family cat might greet the introduction of an automatic cat-food dispenser. Personally, I agree with them. I like the old-school thrill of middle-aged men in silly hats making snap decisions. Since in any given match, I don’t much mind who wins, to me, umpiring booboos are just a wobbly thread in cricket’s tapestry.
But if accuracy is your thing, then DRS works. And this summer we need it more than ever. Last time India toured these shores, there was plenty of tasty cricket, but we were also served several helpings of silliness, a side order of stupidity, and a light sprinkling of jelly beans. Any series featuring Sreesanth, Harbhajan, Prior and Broad is likely to have a touch of the school playground about it, and without DRS, we can expect toys to be ejected from prams with monotonous regularity.
Full postThe Ijaz Butt list of showing causes
Includes a cook, a tailor and a portly former Pakistan wicketkeeper
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Tuesday, 7th June
The PCB moves in a mysterious way, its blunders to perform. Not so long ago, Ijaz Butt proposed an amendment to the ICC constitution, making possible the suspension of any cricket board that allowed political interference in its affairs. And a good thing too. Umar Gul doesn’t tell president Zardari who should be foreign minister, so why should El Presidente decide who gets to open the bowling.
It is such a good idea in fact, that the casual observer is immediately suspicious, the proposing of good ideas being not, as a rule, Mr Butt’s modus operandi. Perhaps it was the work of a rogue stunt double, hired to take the flak for Butty at public events. One who bluffed his way into an ICC meeting and went on a common-sense spree, running amok with dangerously sensible suggestions and alarmingly far-sighted ideas.
Anyway there is only one thing to do when your proposal is adopted and you realise you shouldn’t have proposed it in the first place. Sue the Butt off someone. And in the absence of any suitable candidate, the PCB chairman has today issued himself with a showcause notice, promising to drag himself through the highest court in the land if necessary. As a leaked memo from his office reveals, this brings the number of people against whom Ijaz has contemplated legal action into double figures:
Full postAre you with Shahid?
On the one hand, he’s fickle
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Saturday, 4th June
Shahid Afridi and the PCB are now officially in a state of feud and are settling it like men, the old-fashioned way: press releases and legal notices at dawn. Stopping Shahid from playing Twenty20 in England does have a hint of the playground about it. But then again, Afridi would try the patience of the most benevolent administrator. He is the boy (with the lovely hair) who cried resignation once too often.
So whose side are you on? It’s tricky, as Run DMC put it.
Though this revolution is timely, I’m not sure Afridi is the man to lead it. The Che Guevara of Pakistani cricket may look good on a t-shirt but he’s not the most reliable of figureheads around whom to rally. He is the embodiment of unpredictability. He lets you down, then he makes up for it, then he lets you down again. It's no coincidence that the founding members of the Afridi fan club all went grey years ago. As heroes go, he is from the shelf marked “flawed”.
Full postWhat the FICA survey didn't ask
And revealed: KP's new best friend
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Wednesday, 1st June
Andy Flower today revealed that he is “very excited” about what he is seeing from KP in the nets at the moment, leading to much speculation about just what the big man has in store for us at Lord’s on Friday. A medley of Abba songs? A ventriloquism act with Ian Bell? Or perhaps that reliable old standby: attempting a few big shots before getting out in a disappointing fashion for a batsman of his talent.
In an effort to overcome his weakness against left-armers, he’s also been working with a new device called “The Trundlermatic”, a bowling machine that lobs balls very gently towards the stumps from a slightly wider angle than normal. KP is doing well, having only been dismissed 174 times so far, though the machine’s impressive bowling average means it is on the verge of being selected for England*.
Thursday, 2nd June
For reasons that are not immediately clear, a survey has been made of the opinions of the modern international cricketer. I’m all for a touch of democratic participation, but what with biographies, tweets, pre-match interviews, post-match interviews, promotional interviews, newspaper columns and sundry television appearances, I’m not sure we’ve anything left to learn about this particular section of humanity.
Full postIf Cook don’t get ya, Trott will
An appraisal of England’s fine pair of anaesthesiologists
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Saturday, 28th May
Watching Cook and Trott bat today it occurred to me, in those brief moments between naps, that the medical profession is missing a trick. Such is the anaesthetic potential of England’s most prolific run-gatherers that it can’t be long before doctors are prescribing a dose of Trott and Cook for insomniacs, and anaesthetists are playing unedited highlights of their exploits to patients about to undergo minor surgery.
How to describe them doing their thing today? It was like watching two brick walls, each recently painted a different shade of grey, in order to find out which would dry first. And when they weren’t dull, they were annoying, particularly Trott, whose excavatory habit has reached the outer limits of screamingly irritating. Watching him is like sitting on a train next to someone who continually drums their fingers. Or listening to Danny Morrison commentate for more than 45 seconds.
Sunday, 29th May
IPL viewing figures are down. This is not surprising. There has been much talk of a tipping point in audience interest, but I think it’s not so much a tipping point as a choking point. For example, I think I’d enjoy being hand-fed from a bowl of peeled grapes but not if 74 grapes were shoved into my gullet in rapid succession whilst someone was pinching my nose and holding my jaws open. It would be even less pleasant if the forced grape-gorging were to be accompanied by Siva shouting in my ear that I was experiencing a Citi Moment of Indigestion.
Full postThe bovine tendencies of Andrew Strauss
And some radical ideas for the Big Bash, including the treble super deluxe dance Powerplay
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Wednesday, 25th May
Andrew Strauss answering a question reminds me of a cow processing grass. He sits there gazing listlessly into the middle distance, the words go round and round in his mouth and the end result appears to be at least partly methane-based. He has mastered the politician’s art of talking purposefully without saying anything at all. Here he is on corruption:
“My gut feeling is there is more to it than we know about.”
Immediately the listener is concerned. This feeling in your bowels, Andrew, is it a tingly kind of feeling or something more urgent? Should the ICC anti-corruption unit be hooked up to your intestinal early warning system? Could more roughage in your diet be the answer?
Full postStraussy’s book, and a pretend Test series
The captain tells his stirring Ashes tale
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Saturday, 21st May
Though the market for Ashes literature may be more crowded than an elevator at an obesity convention, it seems there’s always room for one more, hence the existence of Andrew Strauss’s new effort, Winning the Ashes Down Under: The Captain’s Story. Described by one reviewer as “another bloody Ashes book”, it is a stirring tale of how a team of professional sportsmen battled against the odds to beat another team who weren’t quite as good. This epic rollercoaster story is told in three parts:
Part One: Arrive in Australia
Part Two: Beat lower-ranked Test opponents
Part Three: Return home
Sunday, 22nd May
It is a peculiar thing, this Morgan situation. A man makes himself available to play Tests for England, flies all the way back from India to take part in a trial game to demonstrate his readiness to play Test cricket, and then has to answer questions about his priorities. It seems quite straightforward. He wants to test himself against the best players on the biggest stages, so he spends his early season time playing high-pressure cricket in the IPL rather than pottering around in the shires accumulating easy runs. What’s the problem?
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