A minnow's fairy tale
Features ugly stepsisters, a handsome prince, and a large matriarch
Samantha Pendergrast
21-Mar-2015
"Call me when they write us into a superhero script" • Getty Images
In a dark basement room sits a pretty young thing, mending what looks like a dusty old boot, softly humming, "Can I play too? / I can do what you can do / I won't stage a coup / Promise not to make you too blue".
There's a sound of clattering boots and three big persons enter the room.
Australia: Mama, greedy Minnow has taken a boot of mine I threw away ten years ago.
Mama: (biggest of the three) Aren't you an ungrateful little thing, always wanting more and more and more. Next you'll want to be going to the prince's ball.
Minnow: (defiantly) I don't see why I shouldn't.
England: Because you're a charity case. No one wants to see you in such a glamorous event. You should be happy we give you food and shelter.
Minnow: If you let me come, people will think you're benevolent.
Mama: And give you the opportunity to make us look bad? Never! Now take this pile of ironing. Make sure England and Australia look shipshape for the ball.
The Big Three leave. Minnow sighs. Suddenly there's a noise. A shadowy figure approaches.
Minnow: Who are you? If my stepmother and stepsisters hear you, there will be hell to pay.
Shadowy figure: Don't you worry about them. And think of me as your… fairy godmother.
Minnow: Fairy godmother? Like Cinderella's?
Fairy godmother: Yes.
Minnow: Oh fairy godmother, are you here to fulfill my wish of attending the prince's ball?
Fairy godmother: Naturally dear. Now let's get you togged up in some shiny gear. What do we have to work with?
Minnow: All I have are these old boots, a knockoff jersey, and Greg Chappell's coaching manual.
Fairy godmother: Right… hocus pocus!
The jersey turns into a beautiful ball gown. The boots look shiny. And Chappell's manual turns into a coach that would please Shane Warne.
Minnow: Thank you. But boots with a gown?
Fairy Godmother: If Anne Hathway could pull it off in Princess Diaries, so can you. Now go. But be sure to return before the clock strikes midnight because everything will go back to what is was then. I used a prepaid card for the magic, you see.
Minnow goes to the ball and bumps into the handsome prince
Prince: Hello, I don't think I've seen you here before.
Minnow: I was here four years ago, Your Highness.
Prince: Four years! Now that's too long a time for someone so lovely to be away.
And what's your name?
Minnow: My name is Associates but they call me Minnow.
Prince: What terrible names for someone who is such a breath of fresh air. Shall we dance together? I get so bored of seeing the same people all the time. If I see India and Sri Lanka grinding together one more time, I'll kill myself.
Minnow: That's my stepmother you're talking about.
Prince: India? God help you then. Not one conversation have I had with her when she doesn't tell me how rich she is and how many passionate lovers she's had. Vulgar woman.
They dance.
Prince: Hey, you're really good.
Minnow: Really? I thought my moves were amateurish.
Prince: Yes, but they are fun… ouch… and unpredictable.
A man in a suit approaches.
Man: Your Highness, this is prime time. Perhaps you'd like to dance with someone, er, more suitable? You can dance with her after hours.
Prince: (bristling) And how would you know who is suitable for me?
Man: I have been catering to your needs for years, sire. I know just what you like and what's good for you. You always rate my choices highly.
Prince: I have always deeply doubted those ratings, my good man. They don't come from me.
While the man and the prince argue, the clock strikes 12. Minnow breaks away and rushes out, dropping one boot in her hurry.
Next morning there's a lot of excitement in the house.
Australia: Oh mama, the prince has a shoe of a pretty young thing he danced with at the ball. He is asking all the beautiful girls to try the shoe on to see if it fits. I bet it will fit me!
England: Or me!
Mama: Both of you shut it. The shoe will fit me. And if it doesn't, we'll pay off the shoe manufacturer and get a substitute.
There's a knock on the door. The prince is waiting outside.
Mama: Welcome to my humble abode, Your Highness. Now, this is about a shoe?
Prince: Yes, but you're too big for the boot.
Mama: Certainly I am. I take great pride in that. And I'll need to see a court order before I can even try it on. But even if the shoe fits someone else, I'll still walk all over them.
There's a noise behind them and they see Minnow burst into the room.
Prince: My shoe wearer!
England: Please! That's my old shoe. It has to fit me.
Minnow puts the shoe on and kicks England out of the room.
Australia: Hey England, you've just been booted out.
Prince: Minnow, I'd like to see more of you, if that's okay.
England: I can't believe you want this cow. She's not even a cash cow.
Prince: Shut up. I'm the one whose choice matters here. You can't stop her from seeing me.
Mama: You're right, Your Highness. You are the one who matters. Now, I'm off to meet Pakistan for tea. You have a good time with Minnow here.
Prince: Wait. Pakistan?
Mama: Yeah. We don't meet too often, you see.
Prince: The thing is… can I come with you?
Mama: What about Minnow then?
Prince: Oh I'm sure she'll find something else to do in the meantime, won't you Mins?
Minnow: Fairy tales are so regressive.