A day in the life of England's reserves

The away dressing room at Cape Town has been equipped with an overspill area to accommodate the plethora of England players not selected for this match.

"Thing is, lads," Ryan Sidebottom told the assembled company of reservists, "it's a squad game these days."

"It's true," said Liam Plunkett. "Coach Flower says he's really pleased with my work in the Drinks Squad, and if I stick at it, there's no reason why I can't be in Carrying Gloves On Squad in the days to come."

"Well, I'm in the Toilet Break Squad and I'm determined to take my chance with both hands," said Luke Wright. "Stuart Broad had to go off in the first 10 minutes today to check his new haircut and hurl abuse at the fourth umpire up in the TV room, and I was just delighted to get on the park, obviously."

"I suppose they're looking for multi-dimensional cricketers, in this day and age," sighed Sidebottom. "I wonder if it's a union issue."

"Yeah, look at Swanny," said Plunkett. "He does the Twitter, the interviews, the rock band. He's got the lot."

"Maybe I should learn how to juggle or something," said Wright. He looked forlorn. "Apparently Craig White had to master magic tricks, cocktail making and conversational Portuguese before they let him have a go."

The door opened and an uncertain-looking Michael Carberry entered.

"Wotcher Carberry-y," said Plunkett. "Are you joining the tour as well?"

"Yeah, I think so," said Carberry. "Mr Flower said to get a plane over and he'd see if we could get it back on expenses, and if Paul Collingwood's hand fell off and he died in the night then I could find myself there or thereabouts."

"That's great news," said Sidebottom. "Wrighty, will you do the presentation honours?"

Wright handed Carberry an England shirt with "Reserve Squad Jolly Boys Outing To South Africa 2009-2010" printed on it.

"Thanks lads," said Carberry. "Aw, and you've put my highest first-class score on it."

"204?" said Sidebottom. "Oh, that's just a coincidence. Actually, you're the 204th player to be called up to this tour. Look, the lads have all signed it on the back: me, Plunky, Wrighty, Adil, Bresnan, the Davies brothers, Tredwell, J Finklestein-Loophole…"

"Who's Finklestein-Loophole?" asked Carberry.

"Oh, he's Broady's lawyer," said Sidebottom. "Travels with him everywhere these days so he's handy for when Broady cops a disciplinary."

"I don't recognise half these names," said Carberry.

"Yeah, we got 30 or 40 of the key backroom staff to sign it as well, so you'll know who they are in case you need an osteopath or an aromatherapist or some tax advice or cognitive behavioural therapy or whatever," said Wright.

"Aw, thanks guys," said Carberry. "Well, I might go and have a net."

"You could," said Sidebottom. "But you might be better off taking Alastair Cook and Ian Bell their evening warm milk and making sure they've got everything they need. That way, if there's a flu pandemic or a natural disaster or something, you'll be right in the coach's thinking. Our time may yet come."

Carberry looked around the room. A group of reserves were working on their glove-carrying in one corner. Over by a laptop, a junior video analyst was showing Luke Wright the best angle for pouring out a lemon barley water. Liam Plunkett eagerly practised taking lunch orders in the mirror. It might be a long time coming, thought Michael.