Backstage at the <i>Wisden</i> awards

Graham Onions nervously practised his forward defensive and looked over his cue cards.

"What you so worried about, Bunny?" asked Graeme Swann, carefully loosening his Homer Simpson tie and checking that his comedically large buttonhole flower was filled with squirty water.

It was an important appearance, this, thought Swann. Any public opportunity was a chance for japery and the building of Brand ComiSwann: he'd have Tuffers' job on those online gambling adverts yet. That talentless hack, with his blooper DVDs and his Question Of Sport residency. Making Sue Barker flush and go all giggly - is that comedy? Don't make me laugh. Let's see him work a room at the Worshipful Company Of Nottinghamshire Double Glazers Annual Dinner with a selection of off-colour material. And then have to get the bus home afterwards due to an unfortunate misunderstanding with a missing cat, a crate of alcopops and the local constabulary. Well, watch out Tuffers: there's a new comedy spinner in town. He'd paid his dues, years on the circuit, finally this was a chance to do his material in front of a big crowd, this was the big ti--

"Swanny!" said Onions. "You're talking to yourself again. It's scary, man. Swanny. Don't make us go out there. I bet I get dropped right after me moment of glory."

"Did somebody say dropped?" shouted Matt Prior. "Cos there won't be any dropping, not with the new, improved Matt Prior around what has worked diligently on his keeping to make himself a pretty competent keeper-batsman these days."

"And yet Craig Kieswetter's on that World Twenty20 plane," said Swann. "Zing! High five? Anyone? Anyone!"

"It's just because he outperformed me on the Afrikaans spelling test," shouted Prior sadly.

"Look mate," said Michael Clarke. "You can't let one little setback get you down. Look at Lara."

"Brian Lara?" shouted Prior uncertainly. "I heard he's been reduced to trying to play for Surrey, poor sod."

"No mate, my Lara. Lara Bingles," said Clarke. "She's obviously disappointed that we've broken up, but she's shown awesome commitment and some really good Aussie competitiveness to get right back out there doing whatever it is she does."

"My dad says we should use video evidence to review them pictures of her," said Stuart Broad.

"What did you say, mate?" said Clarke, picking up a bat.

"You can't hit me!" said Broad. "My dad says it's against the spirit of cricket."