Sachin and the salad bar: a study of cricketing techniques
In which we analyse the buffet-table approach of a bunch of modern players
Alan Tyers
11-Nov-2014
"Lettuce? I'll take about yay much" • AFP
Sachin Tendulkar's book has been a delight for many reasons, but chief among them is the revelation that the great batsman is also the Little Master of the salad bar at Pizza Hut.
"While we could eat as many pizzas as we wanted for a fixed price, we could only fill up our salad bowl once. [We used] lettuce leaves to construct a wall, so that the size of the bowl, which was normally just two to three inches tall, increased to five or six inches. We could then fill it with as much salad as we wanted."
AS IF Brian Lara could have thought of that. Here are the salad-bar techniques of some other cricketing legends…
Rahul Dravid: Watchfully, painstakingly adding one sliver of grated carrot at a time. By the time Pizza Hut closes, has assembled small bowl, eager to return tomorrow.
Stuart Broad: Refusing to walk up to salad bar.
Virender Sehwag: Pioneer of exciting "see salad, hit salad" approach, resulting in either a brilliantly assembled, opulently stuffed bowl or a disappointingly empty dish, save for Thousand Island dressing smeared everywhere in unattractive fashion.
Greg Chappell: Woefully misjudged attempt to push in front of Sachin in salad bar queue, promptly ejected by Pizza Hut management.
Sourav Ganguly: Somehow managing to start an argument in deserted Pizza Hut.
Kamran Akmal: Sadly, dropping bowl all over himself.
Alastair Cook: Helping Kamran take the positives from the situation and promising to work harder on salad in future, adding that you don't become a bad salad dresser overnight.
Zaheer Khan: Nasty niggle picked up while reaching for breadstick, followed by tantrum about inclusion of kidney beans among options.
Andrew Flintoff: Angling for TV deal to appear on Pro-Celebrity Salad Bowl Packing On Ice.
Andy Flower: Patrolling salad bar watchfully, shouting "No mayonnaise" at frightened diners.
Kevin Pietersen: Kicked out of Pizza Hut. And Pizza Express. And Strada. And Domino's.
Nasser Hussain: Uncompromising approach, elbowing other diners out of the way before filling up bowl with least appealing option (raw mushroom) and gesticulating angrily at waiter, shouting, "Told you I could do it."
Giles Clarke: Filled bowl with salad, tried to sell it off to next-door restaurant, the New Taj.
Sir Ian Botham: Gruffly dismissive of "ridiculous, new-fangled" salad bar, instead loudly dominating restaurant by shouting at fellow diners, "I've eaten 383 slices of Mighty Meaty - how many have you had?"
Inzamam-ul-Haq: Not heard of salad bar.
More salad days in WG Grace Ate My Pedalo, at tyersandbeach.com