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The Matt Prior cycling team media-training guide

In which we take a ride with the former England wicketkeeper's new side

Alan Tyers
Matt Prior watches as the umpire's check for a no-ball on his dismissal, Australia v England, 3rd Test, Perth, 3rd day, December 15, 2013

He'll be getting on his bike shortly then, mate  •  Getty Images

Matt Prior has announced that he is forming a cycling team - with the ultimate goal of competing in the Tour De France.
He says: "We want to give our guys the very best opportunity so it's all those buzzwords: marginal gains, one percenters. We're even going to give our guys media training. Anything that can make a difference."
God knows, we all need more media-trained sportsmen. So what can we expect from the Prior cycling team? Here are some possible scenarios being worked on at Team Big Cheese Cycling.
1) One of the lads falls off his bike
Media-trained response: Obviously the whole team will be pedalling even harder to support him on the next stage.
2) One of the lads falls off bike, brings down team-mate
Media-trained response: Very much so we're looking to take the positives from this and focusing on doing the simple things well. Riding a bike isn't something you just forget how to do overnight: it's like riding a bike.
3) One of the lads falls off bike, causing massive 83-rider pile-up, major traffic accident, general carnage
Media-trained response depends on whether we all like him or not.
4) Team's best cyclist pedalling ahead of the team group
Media-trained response: all make rude gestures behind his back.
5) Team to focus on the one percenters
Like making their Twitter accounts the best they can be, getting really good at shouting, and dishing out the best banter in the business.
6) Marginal gains to be made
Beards to be measured meticulously, jelly beans properly stored, nicknames to be carefully monitored for progress and effect.
7) Team discipline
Nobody to be allowed to write a book under any circumstances.
8) Bringing in outside consultants for special training situations
Jimmy to help team work on shouting at team-mates when they make a small mistake, Broady in charge of not walking even in case of a puncture. Swanny to do team video diary and lead banter. Kevin to be used as a bike rack.
9) Each team-mate to be given a colour-coded jersey
Yellow for team leader, also yellow for Big Cheese, any South African riders to have special shirt made with a target on the back.
10) Buzzwords
Really important. Focusing on putting hands up and coming to parties while giving 110% going forward to work hard. On a bike.

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