'English players will be drinking concrete milkshakes in Darwin'

It's still the Ashes. You might have noticed. We've been monitoring the players' Twitter feeds so that you don't have to endure their "banter". You're welcome.

This week's round-up features a whole two types of food that cannot be purchased at a well-known Portuguese-themed chicken outlet. It's a new record.

The Aussies
Not all Aussie cricketers have secured a win recently.

Yes, it's important to maintain an appropriate diet as a sportsman.

That'll require a lot of milk. Apparently, milk makes you strong.

But what food makes you accurate?

The Poms
These are stormy times for England.

But there are plenty of people volunteering to help out.

Other former England players are less confident that they could contribute.

But if he has nothing to offer physically, at least he can share his knowledge.

The non-smoker
Chris Gayle: role model.

The dishwasher
Chris Gayle: role model.

It's a hard life.

Life with Kemar Roach
If there's one thing Kemar Roach is good at, it's delivering an opaque, context-free exclamation which sounds somehow positive despite a complete lack of meaningful detail.

Textbook.

What's your philosophy?

Oh for a bit of negativity in this feature.

Jet-lag Watch
Somewhere in the world, there is always a professional cricketer complaining about jet lag. Nando's-loving Alex Hales finds himself in the wrong regular feature this week.

What can he do? What can he possibly, possibly do? England's Test squad are there. What are they doing?

Nando's Watch
They're making the most of Adelaide - that's what they're doing.

The entertainment
Adelaide's no Alice Springs, that's for certain.