'I don't think it's sad that I bought a Women's Weekly'

In this week's Twitter round-up, let's first take a look at what England players get up to when they're not taking part in a tour for one reason or another.

The feast
Graham Onions has been trying to eat well.

"All the time and effort spent peeling a orange to get a tasteless one is disappointing"
@BunnyOnions

The famine
Graeme Swann's also been trying to eat well.

"I admit I can't cook, but my handling of the three smoke alarms set off in the kitchen tonight has been a masterclass #hiddentalents"
@Swannyg66

A good bout of tea towel-wafting will doubtless strengthen the wrist, so that's no bad thing.

The reward
Nick Compton's also focused on food. One of the great benefits of being a professional sportsman is that you can eat well.

"just been for a run up table mountain in the pouring rain...carrot/beet juice followed by quinoa salad! #feelalive #health"
@thecompdog

Wait. That's not eating well. That's enduring a miserable, joyless experience and then rewarding yourself with something equally miserable and joyless.

The uncomfortable experience
Stuart Broad has been socialising.

"Mistaking a rather attractive lady for a bar stool and sitting on her was rather embarrassing but i think i styled it out... #probablynot"
@StuartBroad8

Few things are more attractive than a girl who looks like a bar stool.

The loss
I imagine life's tough for county cricketers in the close season as well. How's Rob Key coping?

"Left my iPad at Venice airport. #spewing."
@robkey612

Tough times.

"I realise this sounds incredibly spoilt but I can't find my other iPad now."

You have everyone's sympathies.

The controversy
You can see the headline already: "Indian cricketer slams authorities." Seam bowler Ishant Sharma has launched a stunning and controversial attack on the BCCI and other cricket boards regarding the massive workloads modern cricketers are being forced to endure.

"Been a while since I have been on twitter because of the cricket schedule."
@ImIshant

I can't believe he said that.

The reading material
Pat Cummins made an interesting selection.

"I don't think it's sad that I bought a Women's Weekly to read on a 30 minute bus trip. #weirdlooks"
@93Cummins

No, it's not sad. It's weird.

The mummy's boy
Tasmania's James Faulkner is treating his mother.

"Look out Perth!!! Just booked flights for my mum to fly over tomorrow! She will be straight on clothes washing duties!!! #cookdinneralso"
@FaulknerC25

Bet she can't wait.

The bad experience
You feel that Essex's Maurice Chambers isn't giving us the full story.

"Taking a girl out on a date is over rated."
@maurice29chamb

The zombies
Tino Best has another Tino Best quote for us all. This time it's a warning.

"He without faith or belief in Christ JESUS is a walking dead~Tino Best"
@tinobest

Kemar Roach's modesty corner
Step aside, Tino. You aren't the only West Indian fast bowler with a high opinion of himself.

"There Is Only A Handful Of Special People In The World, I'm Glad I'm One Of Them!"
@KemarAJR

Who are the others? Is Rory Kleinveldt one? How about James Tredwell? How can we spot them? Will they have the same attitude to the capitalisation of initial letters in words?

What's your philosophy?
Let's steer clear of Shaun Pollock for once, lest he develop some sort of influence in the world - the thought of that is too horrific to contemplate. Let's instead see what Farveez Maharoof has to say.

"Don't promise when you're happy, Don't reply when you're angry, and don't decide when you're sad. SHAUN POLLOCK"
@farveezmaharoof

Wait. He's quoting Pollock? He's a disciple! It might be too late.

Nando's Watch
Nottinghamshire's Riki Wessels has an odd understanding of the word "already".

"11days into the new year and im at nandos already #slowstart"
@RikiWessels