Cricketers and other animals

With all the sordid goings-on in the always delightful world of cricket in the past few days, it's easy to get caught up in the brouhaha and lose sight on some crucial cricketing events. Such as the fact that J Srinath has adopted a leopard.

Apparently, the former India speedster and current match referee has chosen the animal due to its "speed and mercurial action", which reminded him of himself. Srinath chose to adopt the leopard also because "while it may not be the fastest, it is extremely accurate when it comes to claiming victims".

Srinath also said that he hopes to rope in several other India players as a part of this wildlife conservation initiative. And response has been extremely encouraging. Yuvraj Singh has come forward to adopt a Rock Python, since it just sits there, looking sullen and doing nothing, and only moves when it wants to eat something really large. Virat Kohli will be adopting a gorilla, since it makes great efforts to appear much more threatening and dangerous than it actually is. Ashish Nehra has decided to adopt an orangutan, because almost 50% of orangutans have broken bones.

Former players have also been quick to respond. Madan Lal is adopting an octopus, as its limbs are a hopeless, tangled mess. Dewang Gandhi has chosen a Pygmy Marmoset, because it isn't really that significant, and very few people have even heard of it.

"I am delighted that my fellow players have come forward to support this initiative. As an Indian fast bowler, I know what it feels like to be a rare, endangered species. So this is the least I could do," said a beaming Srinath.

Meanwhile, the West Indies Cricket Board and the West Indies Players Association have announced that they will be celebrating the silver-jubilee of their long-running disputes in December this year.

"The WICB and WIPA have always had a long, glorious tradition of indulging in never-ending contractual and pay disputes. We decided that we needed to highlight and celebrate this rich history by organising a stupendous jubilee celebration," said WIPA CEO Dinanath Ramnarine, outlining the plans for the gala event.

Explaining the choice of date, Ramnarine said, "Well, we've been at loggerheads for so long, nobody really remembers when exactly it all began. So we just picked the original launch date of the Ford Taurus 25 years ago, and decided to just go with that."

"Completely random? Yeah, I know, but heck, guys - this is the flamin' West Indies, yes?" he quipped.

Apparently, the festivities will include the ceremonial dropping of a few key players from the squad for the upcoming World Cup, day-long mock-debates where representatives of both sides will indulge in counter-allegations, mud-slinging and staring contests, just like they do in real life.

"The mascot for the event is the Three-Toed Sloth, which we believe stands for everything that characterises the progress made by WIPA and WICB towards resolving our many disputes," said Ramnarine.

Sadly, the event seems to have run into some administrative problems, as the WICB and WIPA have been unable to agree on the flavour of ice-cream to be served at the luncheon.

While the England team has expressed its dismay over the recent spot-fixing allegations against some members of the Pakistan team, captain Andrew Strauss continued to look for positives ahead of the upcoming ODI series between the two sides. "Well, we're actually rather pleased that the suspended players include two lethal fast bowlers against whom our chaps haven't a clue. That's a major plus.

"It would have been disappointing if the players involved were an innocuous offie, a dibbly-dobbly medium-pacer, or a sedate middle-order bat. It's great for us that they're investigating two of the world's best pacers, sparing us the embarrassment of an inevitable top-order collapse in the ODIs," he concluded, in a show of indomitable optimism.

Also, in related news, the WHO has issued a health advisory regarding the sudden hypocrisy outbreak in the wake of the spot-fixing scandal. The public is advised to minimise exposure to rumours, media hyperbole, and smug statements from officials and former players.