Harbhajan announces Ntini's retirement

Harbhajan Singh, in a shock statement made to the press yesterday, has announced that South African pace bowler Makhaya Ntini will be retiring from Test cricket with immediate effect.

Reading from what appeared to be a hastily handwritten note, Harbhajan said, "It is with a heavy heart that I announce Makhaya Ntini's decision to retire immediately from Test cricket, making me the world's leading wicket-taker in Tests among active players."

"Sometimes, a player must realise that his career is at a dead end. There's very little chance that Makhaya will be picked anymore in the South African Test side, and he has decided to focus his energies on playing ODIs and Twenty20, formats in which I am not even close to being the leading wicket-taker," said Harbhajan, looking shiftily around before hurriedly tearing up the note and stuffing it into his pocket.

"It has been a great honour for Makhaya to represent South Africa in Tests, and I would like to thank the South African cricket board, the selectors and all the players for giving him this fantastic opportunity. But it's time for him to move on and leave the mantle of world's leading wicket-taker to younger, deserving candidates. I sincerely hope that Cricket South Africa will respect his decision and refrain from pestering him incessantly to make a comeback. Thank you," Harbhajan concluded, repeatedly ignoring frantic phone calls from an agitated Gerald Majola.

The announcement has come as a complete surprise to a number of people, particularly Ntini himself. Talking to newspersons over the telephone, Ntini claimed that he had had no idea about his impending retirement. "Total surprise, man. In fact, just like lots of people I was also under the impression that I had already retired sometime last year. So hard to remember," he said, with what appeared to be a wide grin.

However, Ntini insisted that his decision was final, even if it was taken by someone else. "My only regret is that I had to learn of it through the news. Other than that, it's all cool. I still maintain that it is the correct decision, and I stand by it," he confirmed.

The issue has led to a spurt in the number of cricketers who are suddenly unsure of their status as active players.

"Damn. Now I'll have to double-check whether I'm still playing international cricket or not - can't quite remember. Need to search the internet for any old press releases regarding my retirement," said Indian medium-pacer Ajit Agarkar, raising legitimate fears among fans that he might represent India again at some point. Among other players who were uncertain whether they were retired or not are Chris Harris, Stuart Law and Imran Khan.

Harbhajan has, meanwhile, refused to let cynics and naysayers devalue his new status as the current leading wicket-taker in Tests. "No matter what others may say, I am proud of the record. But I must also thank all the former greats for having the decency to retire, and current players for showing good sportsmanship to not bag more scalps than me. It is as much their record as mine," he said magnanimously.

Harbhajan also said that there was much he was looking forward to in the coming months, when he plans to announce the retirement of Andrew Symonds from public life.