The Heavy Ball

Pakistan pull out of the World Cup

Cite insecurity reasons. And Lalit Modi returns to the IPL

Mr Modi was quite thrilled at his new weaponised necktie, designed to stun anyone attempting to serve him with a show cause notice senseless at 20 paces  •  Indian Premier League

Mr Modi was quite thrilled at his new weaponised necktie, designed to stun anyone attempting to serve him with a show cause notice senseless at 20 paces  •  Indian Premier League

In the wake of various teams pulling out of tours citing "security concerns", the PCB has shocked the cricketing world by announcing that they're pulling out of the World Cup due to "insecurity concerns".
Cranking the loopiness meter all the way up to 11, PCB president Ijaz Butt said in a press conference: "I regret to announce that the Pakistan cricket team will not be participating in the upcoming World Cup tournament due to grave insecurity reasons. The concerns include potentially dangerous first-round humiliation, the high risk of mid-tournament retirements-in-a-huff by players whose names start with Y, and scandals caused by vandals throwing sandals. Taking all this into consideration, we have taken the decision to withdraw from the competition.
"While the respective governments of the host countries have indeed addressed our security concerns, they are unwilling to do anything to address our insecurity matters. So we are left with no choice," said Butt
"I am proud to be part of what is the first instance in cricket history of anyone withdrawing from a cricket engagement due to insecurity reasons," said future ex-captain Shahid Afridi, before thinking for a second and adding, "with the possible exception of SC Ganguly in that Nagpur match, of course."
"WTF? We're not participating? Then why did they bother dropping me from the probables?" asked an angry current ex-captain Shoaib Malik. Malik went on to immediately announce his retirement (for the time being) from all forms of cricket, saying he was tired of being continuously ignored by the selectors for tournaments that Pakistan were not going to play in anyway.
Meanwhile, the IPL's fourth season may yet see the involvement of former supremo Lalit K Modi after all. In a cunning masterstroke, Modi has decided to enter the IPL auction as a player.
"Muhahahahaha. The BCCI never thought of banning me from playing the IPL, right? So let them muck about in administration however they want - nothing can keep me away from my beloved IPL," grinned Modi, pleased to have pulled a fast one on the BCCI yet again.
"To tell you the truth, it's a double bluff," said Modi, revealing the details of his elaborate and evil scheme. "I'm confident the BCCI will go to extreme lengths to ban me as an IPL player, and replace me with Chirayu Amin, who will then have to relinquish his post as IPL chief. This will pave the way for my eventual return as commissioner. I've got it all planned out.
"Hey Chirayu, you're watching this? Hope you're practising your cover-drive, sucker! Maybe the Kochi franchise can buy you as the 12th man," winked Modi, looking directly into the TV cameras and waving jauntily.
In the wake of the crushing Ashes loss against England, Michael Clarke has refused to entertain any talk of retirement from the Australian vice-captaincy. "No question of it. I'll continue to be vice-captain as long as I am enjoying it, and will always be available to step into the breach and be humiliated whenever the skipper (whoever that may be) is not available to do the same," he said.
"Regardless of who becomes skipper after Ricky decides to go, I remain committed to putting my best efforts into demonstrating my inadequacy and lack of captaincy material, in the way that I have always done for my country," he added.

Anand Ramachandran is a writer, comics creator and videogame designer who works when he isn't playing some game with an "of" in its name. He blogs here and tweets here. All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up (but you knew that already, didn't you?)