Blair and his bandwagon

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Find me a bandwagon; I'm not finished yet
He might be nearing the end of his long premiership, and is set to be questioned by the police for the cash-for-honours inquiry, but that didn't stop Tony Blair from belatedly jumping aboard the Ashes bandwagon at the eleventh hour. Showing just what a salt-of-the-earth, man-of-the people he is, several children and an army of press photographers were invited to play cricket with him at 10 Downing Street. "We were playing a little bit of cricket downstairs outside the Cabinet Room, and I'm afraid I gave a quite shamefully bad performance," he said. "It was only when I started playing with these kids I realised they were really, really seriously good." Out-spun by children; the end really is near.

"I'm not drunk, honest. Taxi! Heathrow please"
Is the modern, uber-fit, media-savvy cricketer getting too big for its boots? In a story more likely to appear in Footballers' Wags Monthly, Liam Plunkett faces charges of drink-driving after crashing his sponsored car into another outside the Tall Trees nightclub in Yarm, Teesside. Plunkett had already made his getaway on a Virgin Atlantic flight to Brisbane, but he needn't worry about the police catching him. Duncan Fletcher's bubble - an ECB-commissioned forcefield designed to repel anyone lacking at least three disciplines, especially those who can't field - will see off any intruders.

Tough on trumpets; tough on the causes of trumpets
It is the sound which symbolises the Barmy Army. A trumpeter, stationed deep behind enemy lines but within audible distance of his fellow troops, rousing England and its supporters. But Bill Cooper, England's bugler, was thrown out of the first day of the Ashes at Brisbane by two police officers. "They told me my behaviour was affecting the enjoyment of everyone else," Mr Cooper, from Kent, said. "But the thing is no one complained. The trumpet was making people sing and have a good time." It gets better, too; Luke Cassidy and Paul Resnikoff tried to start a mexican wave - another traditional, harmless activity for fans watching the cricket - and they too were ejected. How dangerous or provocative can a trumpet and a mexican wave actually be? And with such dictatorial claptrap comes the rumour that the Barmy Army have been "split up" around the ground. A Cricket Australia ploy to deny them making too much noise (and having too much fun)? It was reported on Friday that a significant portion of the touring Army boycotted the day's play in protest. The killjoys are winning, but for how long? In spite of a sell-out at Brisbane for the fourth day, it was far from packed.

Nay fun out there, or at home
As Australia declared with a lead approaching 1000 on the fourth day, Andrew Flintoff must have wondered what else could go wrong. As it happened, his batsmen put up a much better fight - which is more than can be said for the horse he owns back in Britain. The unoriginally named Flintoff was galloping to victory at Towcester on Saturday but complacency set in and he was pipped to the post. As The Times noted: "I'm not sure what would bother Andrew Flintoff more: that his racehorse came second or that his thoroughbred bowlers look like such donkeys." Thanks, Patrick, for bringing that to our attention.

From Ashes to football, it's Mystic Pratt
The most unlikely name was the most unlikely hero of the 2005 Ashes: Gary Pratt. It was he who sent Ricky Ponting into a rage (and back to the pavillion) when, on the field as a substitute fielder, he ran him out at Trent Bridge. But Pratt is now turning his focus to football in the off season. "I didn't really fancy running so I thought I'd go and train with the local football team - then I ended up playing," he said. "I'm a striker usually but I've played in midfield recently. We won the first three games but we've had a bit of a, um, dry patch recently and lost the last four." However, does he know something we don't? Speaking about Ponting's 196 in the first Test against England last week, he said: "I kind of knew something like that was going to happen in the first Test - that he would do something special." Mystic Pratt.

Johnny Ramdev
Don't use condoms; just practise Yoga. That was the advice of Ramdev, a yoga guru, to the India team last week after losing the first one-dayer against South Africa. Quite what the humble condom has to do with India losing a game of cricket, only Ramdev will know. "Instead of earning from advertisment and promotion of products like wine, cold drinks and garments, they should focus on their game," he said. Valid sentiments indeed, but the rest of his warblings suggest his cheese has spectacularly fallen off his cracker. According to his yoganess, the discipline holds the key to all the world's problems - be that HIV AIDS, India losing one-dayers or anything else for that matter.

Quotehanger
"I'm a professional musician who plays the trumpet for a living, not some drunk trying to play the Last Post on a didgeridoo."
Bill Cooper, the Barmy Army's bugler, after being evicted from the Gabba.