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Dr Doosra's Demented Devices

The Cric-o-Matic T20

Why watch the IPL on your boring old 110-inch plasma screen and deprive yourself of the ultimate television experience? With the Cricomatic T20, you get a slew of exciting new features that make watching the IPL even better than before


© Anand Ramachandran
1. Cleavage Magnifier
This clever device automatically detects the single most exciting thing about watching the IPL, cleavage, and magnifies it 20 times to give you every single detail in crisp, brilliant colour. Don't miss a single instance of décolletage displayed by IPL regulars - such as the cheerleaders, pretty girls in the stands, and fat guys with their top buttons undone!
2. Auxiliary screen-cum-excitement amplifier
What can make the IPL even more thrilling for viewers? An additional screen that's constantly showing other sporting events, such as weightlifting, yachting and women's shot put - to serve as a constant reminder of how exciting cricket is by comparison. By special arrangement with DD sports.
3. Built-in commentary replacement device
Think the IPL commentary team is dull, boring and stupid? No problem. The Cricomatic's built-in microphone captures your voice and inserts it into the audio channels - so now you can replace the commentary team's inane, clichéd babblings with your very own inane, clichéd babblings.
4. Catheter with attached septic tank
Match getting too exciting to leave your seat? Bladder needs its own "strategy break"? No problem. Just use the convenient catheter provided with your Cricomatic and give precedence to the unbearable pressure in the stadium over the unbearable pressure in your bladder. Comes with its own septic tank, which you only need to clear after the IPL is over.
5. Uniform-swap button
Is your team getting trounced match after match? Never fear, KKR fans, help is here. With a touch of the "uniform-swap" button, the Cricomatic will simply interchange the colours of the batting and bowling teams, so that your pathetic bunch of losers will suddenly appear to be playing like IPL champions. Too bad we can't help them actually win the game, but hey, perception is everything, right?

Anand Ramachandran is a writer and humourist based in Mumbai. He blogs at bosey.co.in