How to fix Australian cricket

In light of England’s recent and consistent success over Australia it is only all too evident that Australian cricket has some serious structural deficiencies. Fear not Australians, for these issues can be amended with a simple overhaul of Australian domestic structure that can be digested in three easy steps.

1. Australian cricket is too efficient. Six states? Why not eighteen? This way players who aren’t going to be good enough for international cricket can still make a living, averaging somewhere around 30 with the bat and 40 with the ball, all the while being able to complain that they play too much cricket. Indeed, without such charity these “honest” fellows would have to get a real job. Furthermore, a double-figure amount of domestic sides allows for an effective drain for all that lovely windfall of cash generated by the international side. This, in turn, can be used to build a series of quaint 15-20,000 seater stadiums, none quite big enough to satiate public demand for international cricket but all too big for domestic cricket itself. This has a number of wholly positive effects. Firstly, it allows for a rise in ticket prices that keeps English cricket where it rightfully belongs: in the hands of the upper-middle class. Secondly, it enables county games to have an adequate number of empty seats: not so many (as in Australia) as to be upsetting to those partaking, but no so few (as in New Zealand) as to make a player question whether he is actually a professional sportsman at all.

2. South Africans. It seems your system’s not producing sufficient players, no? Never fear, South African private schools are here! A guaranteed source of unflinching, unquestioning talent and one in which their development has been completely paid for by CSA and privileged parents. One wouldn’t even have to worry for a lack of patriotism, a few seasons at a county and you have yourself a fully fledged Englishman; it can be assumed that such a process could easily be adapted to any want-away South Africans who find themselves ashore Bondi Beach. While it’s unlikely that the pesky issue of a spinner who can turn milk will be solved, this recent spate of collapses - particularly the current vacuum of runs at places three and four - can be solved instantaneously with a couple of conspicuous accents. Gosh, you really have wasted time trying to fix problems with, wait for it, Australians!

3. Sky money. The Holy Grail for all cricket boards. Forget that our current crop of players, the most successful in generations, were raised in an era of unprecedented free-for-air coverage; no, the cricket XIs of the future will have been raised by ECB Certificate Level 1 coaches and sporadic coaching days with free oversized t-shirts. Besides, youngsters won’t have to sit down and learn from their heroes on TV, they’ll be to busy playing with their community’s free NPower Kwik Cricket set. Even better, this system enables the successful isolation of cricket to the upper-middle class, just in case those pesky peasants thought they might be able to watch live cricket at home if not the stadiums - the cheek! Along with an epidemic of minimally trained coaches, Sky money is extremely useful for giving jobs to the boys. Dean Jones looking a bit lonesome? Just make up a job, that’s how we keep Gatt’s fridge full - all one needs do is feed the press some guff about “Managing Cricket Partnerships”. Just think the amount of revenue you are wasting by trying to make cricket “accessible”!

So, those who “Come from a land down under, where the women glow and the men plunder” (or so I’m reliably told), I hope you have to come realise just where you are going wrong. Simply adopt these aforementioned reforms and Australian cricket will be well on the way for excellent long-term growth, just like it is on these green and pleasant lands.