England seek inspirational song

Ashes computer game wrongly criticised
The developers of Ashes Cricket 2013 have been forced to offer refunds to people who purchased the game, because of how wretchedly bad it reportedly is. Fans and critics have slated the computer game since its release, calling it, among other things, "incomplete", "flawed in almost every way" and "unintentionally hilarious". The graphics, which show players appearing to move awkwardly and at random, have been rubbished as unpredictable and a "throwback to 1999".

The game's developers have, meanwhile, released a statement defending their product. "We really don't see what all the fuss is about," declared a spokesman. "We used the current England team's performances in the first test as our model. The game is nothing if not an accurate representation."

Vinay gets hitched despite dowry concerns
Vinay Kumar got married over the weekend, but apparently he had to work extra-hard to convince the father of the bride to give him his daughter's hand, as the old man was very nervous upon hearing how expensive Vinay can be.

England desperately seeking inspirational song
Just as they did in India, England need a song to fire them up, figures Alastair Cook. "'Ring of Fire' by Johnny Cash really worked for us back in India in 2006, so it's just a question of finding another song that's appropriate to the situation we're in." Cook revealed that suggestions had been coming in thick and fast, and that the nursery rhyme "Ring a Ring o' Roses (we all fall down)" and the song "English eyes", by Toto, both apparently unsolicited recommendations by Dave Warner, had been rejected out of hand.

Taliban comes to Misbah's aid, sort of
In this week's edition of Taliban-related cricket news, a spokesman for the outfit in Pakistan has come out strongly against fans in the country praising Sachin Tendulkar after the latter's retirement, and urged them to support under-fire Misbah ul Haq instead. "You should praise Misbah despite the fact that he is a pathetic player, because he is ultimately a Pakistani," said Shahidullah Shahid.

Misbah was not immediately available for comment, having reportedly overloaded his mental capacities in trying to decide whether to take offence at the statement or be thankful for it.

Akmal opens up a can of green lip balm on SA's ****
You know **** just got real when you see Umar Akmal has broken out the green lip stick balm again. "Yeah, opposition players know what's up when they see him in green-face," said coach Dav Whatmore. "It's a sure sign that he's feeling good downright fabulous about himself and his game. Make no mistake: when bowlers see him walk out with that lizard-green goop on his face, they realise instantly that there are truly no limits to the kind of things that can pass for fashion these days beating they are in for."

Waugh against war
None other than Steve Waugh has criticised Warner and co for their nasty sledging ways in the first Ashes Test. "I think Dave Warner's comments were out of order," said the legendary Australian captain, widely known for being a proponent of Mental Disintegration, a charity he founded many years ago in support of people suffering from Alzheimer's disease.

Sehwag proves hand-eye coordination still just as good as ever
Stung by Dilip Vengsarkar's assertion that his hand-eye coordination may not be what it used to be due to advancing age and eyesight problems, Virender Sehwag called a hasty press conference yesterday to refute the allegations. After all the people who looked like they would bother to show up had done so, Sehwag, never a man of many words, pleaded what he considered to be his case by successfully, on the very first attempt, poking himself in the eye with his index finger.