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Ashley Giles: "Obviously this series was just a training exercise ahead of more important developmental practice series to come. It's not about getting the results today, it's about putting ourselves in a position to not get a result tomorrow."
Kevin Pietersen: "I think it's fantastic that Michael Carberry has had his chance. I mean, taken his chance. Fantastic. I wish him all the best in whatever he does next."
Michael Carberry: "I'll just go back to my county and carry on working on my running."
Matthew Wade: "I'm going to work on my pre-match sledging. And catching."
Shane Watson: "I've waited a long time for this moment. Knowing I won't have to see Pup for two months means a lot to me."
Boyd Rankin: "I've dreamed of pulling on this shirt for so many weeks now that I've almost lost count."
Chris Jordan: "Me too. Begorrah and to be sure, to be sure, kiss the blarney stone, oh Danny Boy. Is that the right country's accent?"
James Anderson: "Disappointed to miss bowling at Southampton in the middle of the night? Oh yeah. Definitely. It's these matches that you really look forward to maybe possibly watching a bit of on the telly."
Ian Bell: "Well, obviously, as I say it's a case of very much so you know."
James Tredwell: "The horror! The horror!"
Sir Ian Botham: "If England had put fielders everywhere I told them then they wouldn't have leaked so many runs."
Shane Warne's spokesman: "Shane and Liz would like some privacy at this time while they work out who will get custody of the publicity."
ECB Marketing: "If people liked September 10pm cricket, they'll love midnight starts in Aberdeen in January. This one is going to sell big time."
Southampton A&E: "We can confirm that we have treated several spectators for frostbite."
Edgbaston management: "Frostbite? Luxury. We dream of frostbite. A nice bit of frostbite in the dry."
Michael Clarke: "We were all really proud of Mitchell's performance and we let him sing the team victory song as a treat."
Darren Lehmann: "The singing went well. And once we'd explained to Mitchell that it wasn't Kylie's 'Do The Locomotion', he really got the hang of it."
Mitchell Johnson: "Mitch did bowling good and they given Mitch biscuit. Now Ashes comes! More biscuit for Mitch, yes please?"
More innermost made-up thoughts revealed in CrickiLeaks: The Secret Ashes Diaries, hereFeeds: Alan Tyers
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Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.