The Heavy Ball

This, that and the other. Mostly the other

Twitter bunfight. Sweet azz

Never-before-seen tweets from the West Indies reveal what really goes on when the WIPA and the cricket board sit down to discuss their issues

R Rajkumar

Comments: 20 | Text size: A | A
Chris Gayle shows off his flamboyant new hairstyle, West Indies v India, 5th ODI, Kingston, Jamaica, June 16, 2011
"Hey is this supposed to be batting.org? Cos it ain't gonna profit no one" © Associated Press
Enlarge

While Chris Gayle, the WICB and the WIPA have been threatening to ruin everyone's fun with the irksome noises of conciliation they have been making of late, it might yet be worth looking back at the last meeting that was held between the various warring factions.

Especially since ESPNcricinfo has, through exclusive arrangement with periodic contributor Julian Assange (who intermittently takes refuge from the Swedish government in various cricket grounds where an India-Sri Lanka fixture is being played - "the last place anybody will think to find me, mate, or anyone else for that matter") received the transcript of a series of rabid tweets that issued from some of the people involved in that now infamous meeting.

The tweets, now deleted by the respective parties involved, are believed to have been exhumed and sent to Mr Assange by one of his embedded moles at Twitter, "in the interests of serving the greater public interest and its monstrous, insatiable appetite for scandal, bloody scandal".

Mr Assange said he didn't follow cricket that much ("I'm not that kind of Australian") and had never heard of the people in question, but that he had decided that he found the name Dr Hilaire "inherently suspicious sounding" and that this was enough to force his hand to reveal the tweets. "From what I gather, all these guys probably had this coming, anyway," he said from his current residence inside a manual score box. "Besides," Mr Assange added, talking through a gap in the "extras" column of the scoreboard, "they all probably drive Volvos. I've developed a sense for these things."

In what collectively amounts to one mother of a Retweet, here is a choice selection of the posts in question:

BlessedMe Chris Gayle
Meeting with WICB in a few mins, ROFLMAO. It's ok, tho, coz I wearing my tightest Ed Hardy T shirt. Sweet Azz!!! Haterz can't win.

ICareALot Dr Ernest Hilaire
Gayle and that other fellow coming here. Nervous. Must remember: I am better than them; I have a PhD.

BlessedMe Chris Gayle
Got my dreads unlocked. Sweet Azz, I know!! My hairdresser Mario (Big up, Mario!!) felt this would send a definite message lol sweet

ICareALot Dr Ernest Hilaire
I know. I'll gather strength from all these books around me. It must mean I'm well read. Image is everything.

BlessedMe Chris Gayle
Glad I went to the gym this morning. Feel like a million - well, $850,000, at least. Bless!

ICareALot Dr Ernest Hilaire
I'm pretty sure I'm one of those hip modern CEOs. Sharp but well-rounded. The very fact that I call myself a CEO hints at a certain sexiness.

HeyLookAtMe Dinanath Ramnarine
Hello?

ICareALot Dr Ernest Hilaire
@JulianHunte Buch made Oz team read Sun Tzu's Art of War. For us, I suggest War is the Health of the State by Silliman Bourne. What you think?

ICareALot Dr Ernest Hilaire
@JulianHunte Ok, I don't know what you mean to insinuate by asking whether I've actually read the book. I like the title, Ok? Is that so wrong?

HeyLookAtMe Dinanath Ramnarine
Just walked in and Hilaire didn't even acknowledge me. I'm president of the Players Association, dammit! I grew a goatee for this job!!

OttisGibson
Gayle just walked in. Oh sweet lord up in heaven, I think he has his poker face on. This is going to be a long day.

HeyLookAtMe Dinanath Ramnarine
@SChanderpaul There's just no respect! Shiv, stop filing your nails and get ready to draft another letter I dictate to the media.

BlessedMe Chris Gayle
Ready for the meeting.com. Ha ha see what i did? What other words can I use that end with .com that be just as HILARIOUS.com? LOL I cant stop

ICareALot Dr Ernest Hilaire
Wish that Other Fellow wasn't here. Who needs players' associations? This guy thinks he's Jimmy Hoffa. Maybe disappear like him 1 day, ha.

BlessedMe Chris Gayle
@HeyLookAtMe Hilaire and other bomboclat ask me if I want apologise!! I say, I come here to get apology from you.com!!!!!

HeyLookAtMe Dinanath Ramnarine
@BlessedMe Uh, I know. I'm right here in the room with you, Chris, in case you hadn't noticed either.

ICareALot Dr Ernest Hilaire
No apology, no play. I do this for the fans. They understand. They deserve better than to see a reluctantly made 100 off 40 balls.

BlessedMe Chris Gayle
Everything Chris Gayle say on radio interview Chris Gayle mean!! Chris Gayle tell no lie.com!!!

HeyLookAtMe Dinanath Ramnarine
Uh oh, Chris has started to refer to himself in the third person. Never a good sign.

OttisGibson
@nooneinparticular Is Gayle angry? There's no telling. If there was an earthquake now, what are the chances that Gayle's expression would change?

HeyLookAtMe Dinanath Ramnarine
Stood up and recited Lady Gaga's "Manifesto of Mother Monster" at the top of my voice. Still no response from Hilaire.

BlessedMe Chris Gayle
[Private Message] @MarlonSamuels Chillax, bro!! Didn't I say I give u something as promised for running up and shaking my hand after match other day? Bless up!!!

ICareALot Dr Ernest Hilaire
@myinflatedego Can't let Gayle back in team, that would mean giving in to the WIPA.

HeyLookAtMe Dinanath Ramnarine
@myinflatedego Can't allow Hilaire to dictate terms, that would mean giving in to the WICB.

BlessedMe Chris Gayle
@myinflatedego Can't apologise to WICB, that would mean apologising. LOL

OttisGibson
@AndyFlower <3

BlessedMe Chris Gayle
Aw, this all mashup!!!! I going to SLPL.com or whatever it call. Besides, party later tonight. Sweet Azz!!! How should I wear my hair?

HeyLookAtMe Dinanath Ramnarine
Where's Chris going? Better follow. I'll just throw this chair at Hilaire on my way out.

AndyFlower
@OttisGibson ??

ICareALot Dr Ernest Hilaire
They're leaving. Nothing accomplished yet again. It's ok. You know, the concept of the stalemate is so underrated.

The Ghost of WI Cricket Past
Hi all! My first post! What's Twitter shorthand for "Turning in My Grave"?

West Indies Cricket Fans
@brickwall Hello?

Before writing this article, R Rajkumar thought tweeting was strictly for the birds. He's since realised that Twitter is an important platform for gentlemen cricketers who need to express their sensitive sides.
All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?

Tell us what you think. Send us your feedback

© ESPN Sports Media Ltd.

Comments: 20 
Posted by   on (July 6, 2011, 3:26 GMT)

what a laugh...could not help myself but laugh. well put together. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahha

Posted by princemoses on (July 5, 2011, 9:12 GMT)

Good one buddy! Keep it up! :-)

Posted by   on (July 5, 2011, 6:52 GMT)

niceone.com, Thanks for those tweets.com

Posted by Ronsars on (July 5, 2011, 6:33 GMT)

Very well written......Hilarious from beginning to end...Cheers Raj

Posted by   on (July 5, 2011, 1:10 GMT)

Sad ending with thenpoor wi cricket fans. What a writeup though, top job.

Posted by   on (July 4, 2011, 22:04 GMT)

LMAO funny!!!!!! Check it out!!

Posted by   on (July 4, 2011, 19:19 GMT)

LMAO at the conversation between Ottis Gibson and Andy Flower

Posted by Mastmale on (July 4, 2011, 18:25 GMT)

Sweet Azz!!! The funniest piece of writing on Page 2 ever. And guess what, it is not Andy Zaltzman. Hats off to R Rajkumar...you have won yourself a new fan.

Posted by rambo94 on (July 4, 2011, 17:09 GMT)

:)) What a piece!!! Absolutely brilliant! We need more such articles ....bring them on!!

Posted by   on (July 4, 2011, 16:26 GMT)

Lol, as someone who follows Gayle on twitter the posts from him were spoton.com Sweetazz article!

Comments have now been closed for this article

Email this page to a friend Email Feedback Feedback Print Print
More in The Heavy Ball
RSS FeedAll
  • ESPN
  • ESPNF1
  • Scrum
  • Soccernet