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England are No. 1? Lord help us

Reasons why the change at the top of the Test cricket rankings is not good news

S Aga

Comments: 34 | Text size: A | A
Ian Bell with a shirt of Aston Villa football club signifying his highest Test score, Birmingham, August 27, 2011
No. 17: This sort of thing wouldn't have happened in the good old days when England were rubbish © PA Photos

The country that brought you Mark Ealham and Dominic Cork is top of Test cricket's table. Can this be a good thing? The answer, dear reader, is no

1. Think of all the Fire in Luton-type films that are in the works at the moment, and weep. Starring Tim Bresnan as Malcolm Marshall. With a soul-stirring score by, um, the Arctic Monkeys.

2. The 4-0 result has destroyed Duncan Fletcher, who was as much a part of building this England side as anybody else. Thus England have callously defecated upon their own heritage. This is just not cricket.

3. Little boys will model themselves on Jonathan Trott. Do you need to be told this is bad?

4. Little girls will model their beauty regimens on Stuart Broad's, and be reduced to gibbering wrecks when they find they cannot cope with the work involved.

5. If it was KP and Peter Moores in charge, that would have been something at least. The two Andys are so dull, people will desert cricket in droves for the high-octane excitement of watching lawns grow.

6. They look set to stay at No. 1 for a while. A unipolar world is bad because it puts people to sleep. Remember Australia?

7. Stuart Broad is in the world's No. 1 side. Think about that for a moment. Vomit. Repeat.

8. Having waxed successful, Graeme Swann will become fat, complacent and unfunny, and won't get up to japes like he used to. (See cat-trapped-under-floorboards incident.)

9. If England are going to win everything, it doesn't give Bob Willis much chance to be the curmudgeonly old stick in the mud we know and love. There will be no point to Bob Willis then. A world in which that is allowed to happen is sick and wrong.

10. If England are going to win everything, they'll need an inexhaustible supply of fresh talent. i.e. South African cricket will be wrecked for the foreseeable future.

11. How awful for poor Lalit Modi, in exile in England, having to be sneered at in the checkout line in Tesco by old ladies and told that his IPL ruined Indian cricket. (All right, Fortnum and Mason, then.)

12. England will be big-headed and intolerable. (Ibid Ashes 2005.) Or they'll be wracked by self-doubt and feelings of not deserving No. 1 and not being able to hold on. Or they'll be studiedly level-headed and self-effacing. Any which way, they'll be insufferable.

13. Ian Botham and Nasser Hussain will crow even more. Is this technically possible? No one knows, but they're going to give it the old school try.

14. Speaking of, brace yourself for a barrage of articles asking if Broady is the next Beefy.

15. Greater numbers of English supporters will take to following their team around the world. This will involve many hundreds of flabby-chested shirtless men slow-cooking themselves in open stands in sunny climes while drinking themselves into a stupor. This is only marginally less nauseating than watch a reality dance competition.

16. At this rate Alastair Cook will soon have made more hundreds than Don Bradman and, god forbid, Sachin Tendulkar even. The horror.

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Comments: 34 
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Posted by Shanmugam on (August 30, 2011, 22:32 GMT)

@maddy20, You got a lot of your "facts" wrong. India did not beat England 2-0 home or away and SA did not beat England 2-1 in SA. The last time they won 2 tests in a series against England was in 1993. The team that got mauled by the Aussies didn't feature Bopara or Morgan. It had only two SA born players - KP and Strauss. Bopara and Panesar were born in England, you narrow-minded bigot. Then why aren't they English? Going by your illogic, if KP, Strauss and Prior are South Africans because they were born in SA, then Bopara and Panesar should be English, shouldn't they?

When Italian Antonia Maino can be the president of the largest political party that is ruling India then there is nothing wrong in a few foreign born players representing England.

People migrate to other countries in search of a better life. They work hard and are loyal to their adopted country which treats them as their own citizens. Well, that is a civil society, something that should be alien to you.

Posted by Sukanya on (August 30, 2011, 11:23 GMT)

hilarious ... point 7 and 11 are brilliant

Posted by VIKAS on (August 30, 2011, 6:49 GMT)

Seems to be written out of sheer jealousy. Can't digest England's as top team.

Vikas Vadgama - India

Posted by Subba on (August 30, 2011, 6:46 GMT)

Good article. Let England enjoy these moments. They are as permanent as Stuart Broad's fitness.

Posted by Jason on (August 30, 2011, 5:47 GMT)

A good article and quite amusing. @Cric_fanatics, Who cares about a tinpot trophy for a competition that is basically a bit of a joke. What Clive Lloyd said about T20 and test cricket applies to the 50 over version as well. @only_sehwag, just shows how much Stuart broad has improved.

Posted by Dummy4 on (August 30, 2011, 4:37 GMT)

@Paul Rone-Clarke I think this England team cannot stay at the top for long. They just played in their homegrounds. Try playing in India with a two spinner frndly pitches. I doubt if England's batsmen can get 300 in those pitches and bowl out India with three seamers.

Posted by V.L on (August 30, 2011, 4:23 GMT)

@Paul Rone-Clarke If you can't take a joke, stay away from Page 2!"India must be the very worst team to ever disgrace a cricklet field" No my friend they are not. Not long ago an English team(Well if you call a combination of South Africans. Indians(Bopara, Panesar), Irish etc., English ofcourse) was beaten 5-0 in an ashes test series(2007). That my friend, is the most one sided test series you will ever see! Just in case you do not remember they were also beaten by India 1-0 in England, 2-1 by SA in SA, 2-0 by India in India etc., One series win does not make a champion team, one whitewash does not make India a disgrace. We just won the WC remember. How many did your Psuedo South African team win?

Posted by Dummy4 on (August 30, 2011, 2:50 GMT)

While Broad might not have started out with the bang that Botham did, his figures are starting to stack up and more importantly he has the ability to be worth 100 tests, rather than fifty on ability and fifty on reputation like Botham. I don't particularly like Broad that much, but credit where its due. He really came to the table against India and long may it continue.

Posted by avinash on (August 30, 2011, 2:44 GMT)

the funny bit was..ENGLAND WILL WIN EVERYTHING..first of all win many world cups in the cupboard..??/.....(now thats funny).

Posted by Denzil on (August 30, 2011, 1:56 GMT)

Where's the pinch of salt, when people need one?

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