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Meet KP's advisors

A flatmate of the two men whose job it is to counsel Kevin Pietersen reveals all

Alex Bowden

Comments: 11 | Text size: A | A
Kevin Pietersen at a nets session at Headingley, July 31, 2012
"What do you mean? Says so on my shirt even. See? Brit" © Getty Images
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Players/Officials: Kevin Pietersen
Series/Tournaments: South Africa tour of England
Teams: England

One of the things I keep hearing during this protracted Kevin Pietersen saga is that he's been getting bad advice. I couldn't disagree with this more. I happen to live with his two advisors, Adrian and Heinrich, and so I can offer a first-hand account of just how seriously these guys take their job and just how dedicated they are.

People notice Heinrich first, because he is naturally more gregarious. Tall and slight, he is always dressed immaculately and he has a thin, waxed moustache. Sometimes he gently strokes his moustache between thumb and forefinger when he is thinking.

You probably imagine that he is a cold, sinister individual, because that is the impression one gets when reading the papers. Nothing could be further from the truth. Heinrich is incredibly warm and forever on the brink of laughter. He has a loud, almost melodramatic, laugh that is hard to ignore. Some people might describe it as a cackle.

Adrian is rather different. He is small and quiet and it can be difficult to know what he is thinking. He is a proud man and reacts strongly when people question his intellect. I found him emptying the bin on the floor of the kitchen in order to make room for more rubbish once. When I suggested that he might be subnormal, he showed himself to be a man unafraid of confrontation, even when it might lead to armed physical combat. Adrian will never take a backward step and that can be a huge advantage in the cut-and-thrust world of modern sports negotiations. I would go so far as to say that his bloodlust might almost entirely compensate for his mental shortcomings.

Adrian and Heinrich value their time. For this reason, they make use of an egg timer when making decisions about Kevin Pietersen's career. KP will phone up with some sort of problem. They will listen to all the details and then tell him to phone back again in two minutes' time. The egg timer is turned and they then have 60 seconds to decide what to do.

More often than not, Heinrich comes up with something first. I often get the feeling that he has some overarching strategy and that many of the developments in Pietersen's life fit into this plan. However, he never speaks of this. Instead, he says: "I think I have a little idea how to approach this thorny issue," and then he laughs/cackles until KP phones back. He will then generally laugh/cackle again immediately after he has passed on his wisdom. Sometimes Adrian laughs along, although I don't think he really knows why.

In the unlikely event that Heinrich doesn't know what to do, it falls to Adrian to make a decision, and he always approaches things in the same way. He comes up with two radically different approaches to the problem and then says: "It's time to ask the coin." Having assigned one course of action to heads and another to tails, he throws a coin in the air and then abides by the outcome. Heinrich generally laughs/cackles after passing on this advice to KP as well. He really does love life.

In fact they both love life. They both love KP as well. They insist on having a life-size cutout of him standing in the living room. One of them put lipstick on the mouth. I'm not sure why.

RSS FeedAlex Bowden blogs at King Cricket
All quotes and "facts" here are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?

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Comments: 11 
Posted by mwalker on (August 23, 2012, 8:36 GMT)

Funny and original. "it's time to ask the coin" is inspired.

Some of the chaps on this comments section need to lighten up.

Posted by GedLadd on (August 22, 2012, 16:05 GMT)

Superb piece, full of humour. Even funnier than the piece itself are the humourless comments about it. I especially like the self-importance of the reader who "deems the piece redundant" and wants back the four minutes it took to read. Were the reader's lips (presumably unembellished with lipstick) moving slowly in sync while reading? Please ignore the naysayers, Cricinfo - encourage this diversity of humour. Nothing wrong with standard sports wit fare, but many of us come here more in hope of this sort of left-field whimsy.

Posted by jimbobphysics on (August 22, 2012, 10:53 GMT)

I think it is quite funny and intelligent. I suspect a few readers have missed the point: the author is reflecting the absurd nature of the Kevin Pietersen nonsense with a non-sensical, absurd description of his thought processes and those of his advisors. I am impressed with the author and saddened by the angry readers.

I particularly liked the lipstick bit!

Posted by   on (August 21, 2012, 7:37 GMT)

It just made me feel sick. How low can you go in denigrating this man.

Posted by D-Ascendant on (August 21, 2012, 5:38 GMT)

To use one of ESPNcricinfo's favourite words: Execrable.

Posted by   on (August 20, 2012, 22:23 GMT)

Neither are ever funny. Real poor cheap humour sorry.

Posted by KingOwl on (August 20, 2012, 20:43 GMT)

Oh, this is a disaster of an attempt at being witty (or is it something else)? Usually, we get a good laugh at this type of column. Unfortunately, this is an exception. I am always waiting for a good schdenfreude moment. This doesn't help, I am afraid.

Posted by   on (August 20, 2012, 18:08 GMT)

And what have the readers done to you that you subject them to this?

Posted by Selassie-I on (August 20, 2012, 9:48 GMT)

This is truly aweful and pointless Alex. I might be missing something but i didn't make me laugh and it didn't seem to make any valid point either, thus I deem it redundant and feel regret I will never get the 4 minutes of my life back that it took to read this dross.

Posted by gloves71 on (August 20, 2012, 8:59 GMT)

Two Chucks aren't funny either.

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