The Long Handle
Ishant and the matter of luck
His getting Quinton de Kock's wicket was just a case of bad luck for the batsman
Andrew Hughes
14-Dec-2013
Bowlers, like professional gamblers, charity fundraisers and sewerage workers need the constitution of an ox, the hide of a rhino and the stubborn persistence of the wasp who is unshakeable in his conviction that the shortest way out of the conservatory is through the pane of glass upon which he has been beating his head for the last ten minutes.
All of the above-named professions involve frustration, anguish, crushing disappointment and long, dark melancholy periods of angst and despair, but three of them are at least conducted in relative obscurity. Bowlers, however, endure their humiliations in public.
So when any of that breed make a comeback, they deserve our admiration. Ishant Sharma was last seen being smacked all over India by various Australian batsmen. I confess I'd assumed he'd taken holy orders and retired to a hermitage. Not so. On Wednesday he returned in triumph, collecting four prime-quality South African wickets.
Full postThe post-Johnson jelly disorder
Here's one way to respond to a set of fans who boo and compose ditties for you: shatter stumps
Andrew Hughes
11-Dec-2013
Previewing the third Test yesterday, George Bailey promised that the pitch at the WACA will have something for everyone. Fast bowlers with impressive moustaches will enjoy the shiny strip of bouncy concrete whereupon the cricket will be played. Spin bowlers can watch an entire Test match from the relaxed comfort of their dressing room, and batsmen will be able to take advantage of Western Australia's excellent medical facilities.
I understand that all leave has been cancelled at Perth General as staff brace themselves for an epidemic of cricket-ball related throat-injuries, wounded pride, badly bruised egos, PJJD (post-Johnson jelly disorder) and humble-pie overdoses.
Since I'm not taking part in it, however, I am thoroughly looking forward to the Perth Test. Hopefully, it will be Test cricket with the volume turned up to 11 and the safety catch removed, an outdoor festival of chin music with a thumping beat produced by a leather ball alternately clanking into a boundary board and clonking against a helmet.
Full postThe nuisance of cyber banter
First there was knuckle-biting stupidity. Then there were attempts to defend it
Andrew Hughes
07-Dec-2013
"Did you hear the one about the four Sikhs? No? Well, there were these four Sikhs… "
If someone were to approach you at the bus stop and invite you with these enticing words to embark with them on a perilous linguistic journey through the withered and blasted badlands of feeble 1970s-style humour, I suspect most people would politely decline.
Sadly, on Twitter, there is no way of interrupting someone mid-joke and explaining that you haven't got time to listen to casual racism at the moment, as you've an urgent appointment with your proctologist and would they mind awfully going away.
Full postPress conferences? Spare us
Enough of young men in baseball caps boringly answering questions that shouldn't have been asked
Andrew Hughes
04-Dec-2013
I'm not interested in the personal lives of cricketers. The percentage of the Hughes GDP allocated to cricket autobiographies has remained at a steady 0% this financial year, as it has done ever since I incautiously picked up a copy of Botham: My Autobiography in a bookshop and read half a paragraph. I was young, I was foolish, I didn't know any better.
My interest in a cricketer is restricted to the particular way in which they use their extremities to manipulate a small leather ball. Learning how someone can bowl an indipping, toe-crunching, wood-splintering yorker at 90mph is fascinating to those of us who couldn't do such a thing even with an infinite number of cricket balls and an infinite number of arms.
But the offal preferences of his pet chihuahua, the precise location of his hairy birthmark, his lifelong fear of jelly, and his thoughts on the single currency are none of my business.
Full postSouth Africa's unexpected asphyxiation syndrome
Disbelief, mild anger and prickly embarrassment in a good old-fashioned choke
Andrew Hughes
29-Nov-2013
Across two continents, in three formats, wearing two different shades of green, the superheroes of South Africa and Pakistan have been locked in an exhausting cricket struggle for what has felt like most of the year. Not since India and Sri Lanka last bored one another senseless have so many cricket followers logged onto ESPNcricinfo, raised their eyebrows and exclaimed, "For the love of all that's holy, not these two AGAIN!"
The people who construct the Future Tours Programme clearly think that the internet has shrunk our attention spans to goldfish-like proportions:
"Well I thoroughly enjoyed watching South Africa against Pakistan in Dubai. Oh look, there's a picture of a kitten wearing a tie, with an amusing caption. How adorable! What's on tomorrow? I see Pakistan are touring South Africa. That should be a good series."
Full postThe Brisbane schoolyard squabble
Cricketers often say they want to play hard but many forget that the key verb is "play", not "talk"
Andrew Hughes
27-Nov-2013
Playing in two Ashes series in one year must feel like taking an extended holiday with your school friends. Inevitably, excessive prolonged proximity breeds contempt and in Brisbane the pot of simmering resentment boiled up in a froth of silly.
It was all a little bit Year Five, to be honest. As any parent will tell you, you shouldn't take sides. Your child may spin you a tale of woe, and you may be ready to storm the school and give the headmaster a lecture on the evils of bullying, but just before you pick up the phone, a half-forgotten instinct prompts you to ask the question:
"And who started it?"
Full postThe phenomenon of cricket's next big thing
Explained via the story of the greatest pen ever used
Andrew Hughes
23-Nov-2013
In the middle of Thursday's game between India and a West Indies Making Up The Numbers XI, Virat Kohli hit a nicely timed leg glance for four, which led to the following piece of commentary from an excited booth-dweller:
"He's a man with paranormal abilities; superhuman!"
Now it was a nicely timed four, I'll admit, and it was pleasing to the eye, but paranormal? Superhuman? And if Virat has got paranormal abilities, what is he doing playing cricket? Everyone loves Superman, and I'm sure he'd be a useful lower middle-order bat, but if he spent his time whacking a little leather ball around a field when there were kittens to be rescued and super villains to be foiled, then people might question his priorities.
Full postDone in by darkness
New Zealand search for light but all they get is rain
Andrew Hughes
20-Nov-2013
Most sporting events have a climax, a finish, a point at which the event, having continued for a certain length of time, comes to a definite and undeniable halt: the referee blows his whistle, the chequered flag is flapped about, the bandy-legged winner staggers across the finishing line, the last dart is flung, the final black is sunk, and the lights go up.
Cricket isn't like that. A cricket match might start roughly when it is supposed to start, if you're lucky, but will then meander through the afternoon, stopping periodically for rain, hail, sleet, strong winds, swarms of bees, tea, sandwiches, sightscreen adjustment, on-field consultations, ball-integrity investigations, sawdust-carrying and hourly drinkies.
It is possible for a cricket match to end dramatically, with a big six off the last ball of the last over of the last innings. Usually it doesn't. In fact, it can sometimes be hard to tell when a cricket match has finished, and only after various dignitaries have stood about scrutinising the sky, peering at the scoreboard, and consulting charts, meters and regulations, can the end of the cricket match be officially announced and the cause of death established.
Full postA cricket-themed remake of Ocean's Eleven
New Zealand pull off a game light on big stars but one with a classic plot
Andrew Hughes
16-Nov-2013
Two games into their tour of Sri Lanka, the New Zealand Replacement XI is doing better than the New Zealand Original XI, in that they aren't losing. Perhaps the abundance of sky, water and pervading dampness has made them feel at home, but whatever the cause, they are definitely not losing, thanks to Tuesday's last-over heist in Hambantota.
A cricket-themed remake of Ocean's Eleven, the game was light on big stars, but had a classic plot: a collection of quirky characters coming together to steal a valuable cricket match from under the noses of a team of crack cricket professionals, assisted by Mr Duckworth, Mr Lewis and Sri Lanka's tactical pratfalls.
Angelo Mathews said that he hadn't picked a team with the weather in mind. Given that this is monsoon season, that the first game was washed out, that the same series this time last year was soggier than a trawlerman's sandwich and that the forecast for this game consisted of a big blue raindrop suspended from a big black cloud, this decision must rate as one of the more pungent fails on the cheeseboard of cricket selection bloopers.
Full postThe inexplicable ways of Pakistan cricket
Administrative anarchy and crushing defeats: aka more of the same old same old
Andrew Hughes
13-Nov-2013
The PCB is in chaos. Admittedly, that is like saying the ECB is quite fond of money, or the BCCI is warming to the idea of wielding power. Chaos is what they do at the PCB, and I might add, they do it better than any other organisation you might care to name.
But in this case, it was not the PCB's fault, or not entirely their fault, or only their fault to begin with. As we speak, there are legal proceedings proceeding, so I should be careful what I say, but I am fairly confident that most of the people involved have only the slightest grasp of what exactly is going on, so I can probably get away with talking about it.
As far as I can tell, the PCB attempted to hold a quick vote/change of constitution just before the general election. The details are complicated and dangerously boring, but the upshot of this administrative jiggery-pokery would have been the retention of one Zaka Ashraf, previously picked by the soon-to-be-previous PPP president, but unlikely to be picked by the prospective president, the principle panjandrum of the PML.
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