The Long Handle
Two chairmen of Lahore
Cricket, politics and administration combine for a Shakespearean drama in four acts
Andrew Hughes
18-Jan-2014
I think we'd all agree that watching a cricket match is the most fulfilling and worthwhile thing that any human being can do with their time. But right now, there is more cricket going on than you can possibly cram into your retinas and this can lead to highlights fatigue.
After a few days of continuous gawping at steepling sixes, crashing boundaries, elaborate celebrations, and miserable Englishmen, your cricket palate can become jaded. You begin to crave something more pungent, something with a bit of a kick, something that will tie your brain up in knots, something that will get you good and angry without exactly knowing why or towards whom.
I think I have just the thing for you. When mere cricket no longer hits the spot, then it is time to sample the rich and fruity delights of cricket governance, Pakistan-style.
Full postEngland's reusable scapegoat
Everyone is clamouring for Pietersen's blood but does he even need to bother anymore?
Andrew Hughes
15-Jan-2014
Generally speaking, the Old Testament hasn't much to teach us about cricket. Yet as England continue to wander in a dry, harsh and unforgiving land in search of victory, it seems that certain members of that benighted tribe of outcasts have been taking advice from a passage in Leviticus:
… Then he is to take the two goats and present them before the Lord at the entrance to the tent of meeting. He is to cast lots for the two goats - one lot for the Lord and the other for the scapegoat. The goat chosen by lot as the scapegoat shall be presented alive before the Lord to be used for making atonement by sending it into the wilderness…
It's a simple idea. If you've done something you're not too proud of, perhaps pretending you hadn't hit a ball with your bat when really you had, eating too many shellfish fairy cakes or losing five Test matches in a row, then simply find yourself a tame quadruped, stick a piece of paper inscribed with the words "Sorry about all that" on its horns, and point it in the general direction of the countryside. Hey presto, all is forgiven.
Full postForgive Adelaide Strikers? Maybe. Forget? Never
Will the city of Adelaide ever recover from this shock?
Andrew Hughes
11-Jan-2014
Sometimes sorry isn't quite enough. Sometimes a collective failure of character is so appalling, so hand-over-open-mouth shocking, that a quick mea culpa won't cut it. Do I have anything particular in mind, you may be wondering, or is this one of those long and rambling opening paragraphs in which the author begins talking about something that turns out to be completely beside the point, in order to pad out the word count?
Well, yes, I do have something in mind. I invite you to wander at your leisure into the BBL annexe of ESPNcricinfo Towers and to open the scorecard for a match that took place on Thursday, January 9, 2014 in the fabled city of Melbourne.
You may wish to prepare yourself beforehand, perhaps with a few deep breaths or a fortifying brandy, and if you are driving a high speed train freighted with containers full of a deadly infectious disease over a rickety canyon bridge in a snowstorm, I suggest you let your co-driver take over for a few minutes.
Full postTime for England's big fat review
A cathartic review may help the pundits feel better but how should the rest of us deal with a 5-0 defeat?
Andrew Hughes
08-Jan-2014
If English cricket went to see a self-help guru, he or she would, after extracting a large sum of money from English cricket, invite English cricket to reflect on the axiom that every crushing, humiliating, catastrophic, devastating setback is, in fact, an opportunity.
History is full of examples. The flood described in the Book of Genesis and the Epic of Gilgamesh might have destroyed nearly every living thing on the planet, but after the waters subsided, the flood defence industry enjoyed a boom time, referred to in The Illustrated Guide to the History of Sandbag Making as the Age of the Golden Sandbag.
So while English cricket may be suffering a temporary slight Armageddon, the English pin-sticking, soothsaying and scapegoat industries are flourishing, as journalists, administrators, players, coaches and Team England deputy body-waxing operatives scramble to grab excuses and effigies in the big January blame sale.
Full postThe delights of a soggy souffle
Cricket watchers who stuck with New Zealand v West Indies on New Year's day enjoyed a rare and utterly unexpected treat
Andrew Hughes
04-Jan-2014
Deciding which cricket game to watch is like choosing dessert. When the sweet menu is first pressed into your hands, your pupils dilate, your stomach limbers up with a few practice rumbles and you may even begin to drool onto the carpet a little.
Yet you don't ask the waiter for a slice of everything with custard. Experience has taught you that biting off more than you can comfortably digest will leave you feeling sicker than Andy Flower on his way to his end-of-year debrief with the new boss.
So it is with cricket. Overdose on bat-and-ball action and your palate becomes jaded. You no longer appreciate the subtle flavours of a finely balanced rain-interrupted draw, or the gentle pleasure of watching Monty Panesar land the ball in the same place 72 times in a row. You want bigger and bigger hits. You want five-fers, ten-fers, triple-centuries with a sprinkle of sixes on top. Then you get that end-of-IPL nausea, when all you want to do is take a couple of painkillers and lie down in a darkened room.
Full postThe Durban dogfight
All bets were on a quick South African win. Until India dug in
Andrew Hughes
01-Jan-2014
Batting is hard. But it's not as hard as betting.
Oh sure, anyone can have a bet. But then anyone can pick up a bat. If you are entertaining hopes of success however, the gambling arts are truly unforgiving. You must toil for hours in the barrel-scraping regions of the internet, trudging across the barren wilderness of sports reports, hacking through the steamy, fetid jungles of sports forums, on a quest to find that fresh piece of news, that information gem that will give you an edge.
Batsmen sometimes wake up on match day with the sun blazing in through their hotel window, feeling like a billion dollars. They wolf down their granola, skip on to the team bus, stride out of the pavilion to the middle, loudly and confidently take guard, survey the field with lordly disdain and get a shooter first ball that uproots their off peg.
Full postIn pursuit of unity
West Indies watched a Christmas movie, and New Zealand's batting came apart
Andrew Hughes
28-Dec-2013
Like the clients of a particularly up-market dating agency, the world's cricket teams have been beautifully matched in recent weeks.
In South Africa the world's two best Test teams are engaged in a dramatic two-act struggle. In Australia it's third taking on fifth and in the Arabian peninsula, the mid-table maybes of Pakistan are hosting fellow middle-of-the-roaders Sri Lanka.
Meanwhile, at the bottom of the planet, there is the fascinating battle of the basement, the rumble in the remedial class. New Zealand won the Test series, but there was a reason for that West Indian defeat, as Dwayne Bravo explained:
Full postTest cricket and the bitter truth
We should be trying to make Test cricket as entertaining as possible and spreading the word to every corner of the globe. But we aren't
Andrew Hughes
25-Dec-2013
It looks like television is going to cancel their date with the World Test Championship. We had our doubts after they stood us up the first time, but we allowed ourselves to believe that their excuse - they said they had to broadcast the annual South Atlantic dodo migration and didn't have enough cameras to cover both events - was genuine. But they've started making evasive noises again. It seems they're getting cold feet and it can only be a matter of time before that phone call that leaves us crying into our pillows.
So it's time we faced up to reality. We must put down our plate of Alastair Cook's no-frills mince pies and glasses of Team Australia champagne-flavoured cordial, shake off our fevered daydreams in which American teenagers beg their parents to turn over from the Superbowl to catch the closing overs of the Sri Lanka v Bangladesh World League playoff Test, and properly address ourselves to the herd of elephants in the Long Room.
The World Test Championship may be cancelled because TV companies don't want to broadcast it. Let us pause for a moment to consider that. The same media that was prepared to take a chance on Fred: The Show, My Tattoo Addiction, Battle Toads, Jersey Shore, Sarah Palin's Alaska, Cop Rock, My Mother The Car, Homeboys from Outer Space and The Lumberjack World Championships is turning up its nose at the prospect of a Test cricket championship.
Full postTime for Australia's Mardi Gras
What can we expect from the gaudy, celebrity-haunted Big Bash League?
Andrew Hughes
21-Dec-2013
The three-Test Ashes was fun, but there's still a whole week to go before the next English humiliation, so if you've not yet had your fill of Australian crowds celebrating wildly and beaming Australian players high-fiving one another senseless in the blazing sun, you will be delighted to hear that the Big Bash League is once again nigh.
This gaudy, celebrity-haunted festival of cricket excess, draped across the middle of the Australian summer like a six-week long Mardi Gras, was, until recently, implicated in the death of Australian cricket, or at least, was on the list of suspects. It was accused of stealing the limelight from the very serious business of Shield cricket and the even more very serious business of Test cricket, through the sneaky ploy of being fun to watch.
Worse still, it was spoiling the techniques of young Australians, just as surely as giving them the keys to a sweet shop would lead to a lamentable decline in their dental standards.
Full postCricket on a fault line
The most important lesson from the Perth Test: Australian horticulture is strange and dangerous
Andrew Hughes
18-Dec-2013
One of the glories of Test cricket is that it manages to combine the adrenaline rush of sweaty, heart-pounding, ruthless, high-tech modern sport with the gentle pleasures of amateur horticulture. For an entire working week, 22 and a bit yards of earth are scrutinised, analysed, poked, trimmed, prodded and agonised over with the diligence of a retired postal worker hoping to retain the Market Snodsbury Biggest Root Vegetable Trophy.
Australia being a hot foreign country, their horticulture, like their wildlife, is strange and dangerous. As the third Test went on, the strip of turf upon which Australia were regaining the Ashes began to resemble something from a geography textbook, illustrating what happens if you play sport on a fault line between two tectonic plates. It wouldn't have been a surprise to see molten lava bubbling up onto the surface by the final day.
In fact, close-ups of the pitch were far more scary than Mitchell Johnson's bouncer or Mitchell Johnson's moustache. Pundits took it in turns to insert various objects into these ground-openings in a series of eye-widening sequences. Keys, fingers, mobile phones, laptops, Chihuahuas and small children disappeared into the chasms, along with the England team's hopes, their dignity, their contact lenses, and a small brown virtual urn.
Full post