The Long Handle
How does one beat a team of robots?
The only way to defeat ruthless logic is with wildly incoherent decision-making
Andrew Hughes
27-Jul-2013
I'm a fairly squeamish individual. I can't stomach horror films, I have one finger hovering over the off button whenever a wildlife documentary introduces a stray baby gazelle limping across the savannah, and by some nifty work with the fast-forward button, I was able to turn Saving Private Ryan into a story about a group of American tourists on an outward bound holiday in northern France.
So I didn't particularly enjoy last week's wince-inducing spectacle in North London, in which various English batsmen spanked, flogged, flayed, and cudgelled their ragged cousins from the other hemisphere. Long before the end, I had to turn over, and I have already written a stiff letter to Sky about their failure to offer a suitable warning along the lines that some viewers may find the following footage distressing.
As a neutral, I don't derive any pleasure from watching a superior team ruthlessly and efficiently grinding inferior opponents into the dust. I'd like an even contest.
Full postWhisper it: maybe England are better than Australia?
Sometimes all the theorising needs to take a hike
Andrew Hughes
24-Jul-2013
I'm no doctor, but I've learned a thing or two from television. For instance, hospital dramas have taught me that any diagnosis made by a minor character in the first 20 minutes is always wrong, and that if a man carrying a chainsaw climbs a rickety ladder before the theme music has faded out, he'll be gushing arterial blood in an emergency room by the first ad break.
I've also learned, from many hours watching fictional forensic scientists slice up bodies in badly-lit morgues, that it's good form to wait until the patient is dead before starting the post-mortem. It's just as well then that most cricket journalists are in their current jobs and not wielding the autopsy scalpel. Australia's Ashes campaign is still warm(ish), yet already the amateur surgeons are clustering around, offering up causes of death, unencumbered by logic, and apparently unaware of the principle of Occam's razor.
"Maybe England's team was just better than Australia's?" says a wide-eyed, wet-behind-the-ears journalist to his senior colleague.
Full postNew Zealand lose their philosophical core
John Buchanan leaves. Poetry readings and seminars on Confucianism will never be the same again
Andrew Hughes
21-Jul-2013
Perhaps it was an orchestrated day of protest against Kevin Rudd's innovative idea of transportation for asylum seekers, but whatever the reason, Friday was notable for the number of Australians walking out on the thing they were paid to do. Every time you turned on a television or fired up your laptop, there was another of our Antipodean cousins; shoulders slumped, trudging off stage left to a smattering of polite, embarrassed applause.
Their parade of perfunctory batting has been compared to the cavalcade of calamity that England served up in the 1990s, but this is doing the Aussies a disservice. England's batsmen of that vintage generally just hung their bat outside off stump until McGrath found an edge, or closed their eyes like Obi Wan Kenobi and waited for Darth Warne to administer the killer blow. Australia deserve some credit for finding more proactive and novel ways to dismiss themselves, particularly Chris Rogers, who decided, after missing out on the juiciest of full tosses, that he simply no longer deserved to remain at the wicket.
Meanwhile, in another hemisphere entirely, Mr John Buchanan's stint as New Zealand's Cricket Guru and Chief Executive of Homespun Philosophy has come to an end. Long John Silver Fern's voyage across the Tasman was not remarkably triumphant, but he did introduce some bold ideas, including poetry readings, seminars on Confucianism, and Selectortron, the automated spreadsheet and team-picking device.
Full postWhen the Ashes start to go downhill
The series began in the best possible way at Trent Bridge. But it's only going to get worse innit
Andrew Hughes
17-Jul-2013
The First Ashes instalment at Trent Bridge was, depending on your point of view, a mildly diverting squabble between two reasonably proficient cricket teams, featuring iffy top-zorder batsmanship, bargain-basement umpiring, a thrill of controversy, two boring days and a good finish, or, to judge by the response of many, just, like, oh my God, the most exciting cricket match in the history of, like, forever.
Test cricket fans are particularly blessed because this exciting Test match comes just three months after another exciting Test match at Eden Park. Usually the waiting period between exciting Test matches is considerably longer, so understandably such examples are seized upon by the faithful with the same righteous enthusiasm that the Vatican exhibits upon hearing that a statue of St Blofeld has started to weep Chateau Petrus.
Sadly, this hype-and-heat-fuelled frenzy of Test match joy won't last. It's like your annual holiday. For weeks you've put up with smelly buses, printer malfunctions, and mind-numbing work-related small talk by contemplating your glorious two-week tour of somewhere hot in the vicinity of the Mediterranean. It's going to be the best holiday ever.
Full postWould Genghis Khan have walked?
This isn't about Stuart Broad. It's about whether we're happy with blatant dishonesty in the game
Andrew Hughes
14-Jul-2013
Unless one of the Sunday papers has been sitting on photos of Darren Lehmann in a compromising position with Her Majesty, or Geoffrey Boycott claims to have been abducted by aliens during England's second innings, this first Test (of, God help us, ten) will be remembered for Stuart Broad's sheepish look; the look of a schoolboy who knows very well who left that whoopee cushion on the headmaster's chair but is saying nothing.
They say that every batsman knows when he has hit it, but sometimes it's hard for the rest of us to know, so we give them the benefit of the doubt. In this case, the nick was woodier than a gap year with the lumberjacks of the Yukon. He knows he hit it. We know he hit it. We know that he knows that he hit it, and he knows that we know that he knows that he hit it.
Has he cheated? By Graeme Swann's standards, he has. Graeme takes a dim view of this sort of thing. He had this to say last year when Dilruwan Perera stood his ground:
Full postSpare us the Vaughany
Will no one save us from this turbulent former England captain?
Andrew Hughes
11-Jul-2013
Over the last few days the imminence of the Ashes has had a strange effect on some people, who have worked themselves into a tizzy of hyped up stupidity, like six-year-olds hearing the distant tinkle of an ice-cream van.
In particular, the ubiquity of Michael Vaughan is a matter of great concern. A media profile is a precious but fragile commodity. Too much exposure and the value plummets. From time to time I'm sure we all find it useful to get the perspective of a former England captain, but at the moment, supply of Vaughan is definitely exceeding demand.
Here's Michael Vaughan previewing the Ashes on radio. Here's Michael Vaughan giving us his Ashes thoughts on television. Here's Michael Vaughan broadcasting from the International Space Station so that extraterrestrial life forms can have the benefit of his Ashes wibblings. Here's Michael Vaughan teasing people on Twitter. Here's Michael Vaughan explaining why he would punch administrators and why Australian fielders should be verbally abused.
Full postHow to ensure Pakistan are never boring
By always picking the shiny haired one
Andrew Hughes
06-Jul-2013
This week, the Big Cheeses and Grand Panjandrums of Pakistan cricket assembled to sort through the wreckage of their Champions Trophy campaign. It was the first gathering of the PCB's Big Fat Crisis Committee since the moderately controversial 2010 tour of England, and given the team's recent successes, many of the officials were out of practice.
For instance, the first draft of their Champions Trophy Review was entitled "I Dunno, It Wasn't That Bad Really, All Things Considered". Fortunately, they were roused during an afternoon tea and cake adjournment by a presentation from former Chairman Ijaz Butt (currently touring the country to promote his new DVD, How To Annoy Friends and Sack People). They renamed the Review, "What The Hell Was That!" and got down to business.
There was a lot to be angry about. For a start, there is a Karachi warehouse piled full of unsold "Pakistan Champions Trophy Winners 2013" t-shirts, which will be devilishly tricky to shift. One ingenious solution was for the players to seek redemption by unpicking the lettering, and then re-sewing each t-shirt by hand to read "Pakistan in West Indies Series Winners 2013", although this idea was sensibly put on hold, just in case.
Full postThree heartwarming stories of redemption
Sreesanth, Warner and Amir remind us of why we love this sport
Andrew Hughes
02-Jul-2013
The news is full of stories of human beings who have let their side down, so thank heavens for the cosy, touchy-feely world of international cricket. It's not even Wednesday yet, and already this week our favourite sport has given us three heartwarming stories of redemption.
First up was Sreesanth. Whatever the outcome of the ongoing towel-themed legal proceedings, he will always be one of my favourites. Not only does he play cricket like an eight-year-old with a grudge, he is a one-man quote farm. Just point a voice recorder in his general direction, press record, poke him with a stick, then stand back. Given his loquacity and love of conversational tangents, it's no surprise he kept the police talking for 27 days.
In an interview to the Hindustan Times, he revealed, inter alia, that he'd been hedging his theological bets by keeping an idol of Ganesha and a picture of Jesus in his bag. When asked whether this whole unfortunate business had made him a stronger person, he stated that he was more of a lover than a fighter, which was slightly besides the point, but an interesting angle for his lawyer to try out during the summing up.
Full postThe rebel cricket conference
It's time to take on the ICC's monopoly on futile boardroom banter
Andrew Hughes
29-Jun-2013
If you hadn't noticed, it's ICC Conference season once again; a special time of year at which the elders of the Church of Cricket who watch over us like benevolent, slightly sleepy, occasionally absent-minded, old uncles gather together in one place in order to agree to disagree, while sampling some really top-class corporate dining facilities.
It's not healthy, however, for the ICC to have a monopoly on futile boardroom banter and ineffectual pontification, so this week, I set up a rival conference. I saw myself as the Kerry Packer of cricket administration, luring some of the game's most high-profile suits away from the stuffy establishment with brightly coloured pyjamas, day-night meetings, and a hand-picked set of commentators to tell the world how splendid we all were.
Sadly, no one responded to the invites, so I had to fill the empty chairs with my daughter's toys. A Yoda action-figure stood in for Richie Benaud; a cuddly Eeeyore represented Mr Srinivasan, and Giles Clarke's seat was taken by a large stuffed rodent wearing a "Stanford '08" baseball cap. Ravi Shastri did turn up, late, but punctuality is very important in our organisation, so we made him sit in the garden, providing commentary through the window.
Full postArthur's fall, and a yearning for bloodlust
Why Henry VIII would have applauded the ruthlessness and efficiency of Mickey Arthur's axing
Andrew Hughes
26-Jun-2013
We humans can be a beastly bunch. Our history is littered with incidents of great leaders unjustly cut off in their prime. The dispatching of Mickey Arthur is just the latest shock decapitation in a bloodstained tradition that goes all the way back to the rather abrupt termination of Julius Caesar's contract just weeks before a big series against the Parthians.
Henry VIII would have applauded the ruthlessness and efficiency of the Arthur axing. One moment Mickey is admiring himself in his Cricket Australia blazer, rehearsing his pre-Ashes speech; the next, Chief Executioner Sutherland is holding up a still-warm press release, and announcing to a baying crowd of journalists, "This is the resume of a traitor."
Sadly for Mickey, there's no Octavian to rally the troops in his name. Instead, Australian cricket's nobility are falling over themselves to say what an excellent execution it was. We outsiders may frown at the idea of sacking a coach three weeks before the Ashes. We may think it a tad risky, perhaps even foolhardy, but then what do we know? This is, after all, Cricket Australia. I'm sure they know what they're doing.
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