The Long Handle
Why I don't really care about the Ashes
The tide of hyperbolic drivel has been rising with every series since 2005
Andrew Hughes
18-May-2013
If you were wondering, the Ashes isn't the only thing happening in England this summer. New Zealand are here, and at this week's pre-Test cliché harvest, Alastair Cook promised to treat the non-Australian tourists with proper respect.
"There's absolutely no danger of us underestimating them, whoever they are. Thingy and Whatsisname are world-class batsmen and that tall chap whose name escapes me is one of the best in the game at whatever it is he does."
Even if they win, New Zealand can't win. Within minutes of Brendon McCullum lifting the Morrison-Mullally Shield you just know that Nasser will be itching to ask him about the Ashes implications of his series win. The Twin Ashes tower, like monstrous sky-scraping urn-shaped inflatables, has cast a stupefying shadow across the summer, and caused perfectly sensible people like Stuart Broad to come out with things like this:
Full postWhen Kings XI Punjab refused to leave
Much as I love them, Adam Gilchrist's men are in serious danger of overstaying their welcome
Andrew Hughes
16-May-2013
Knowing when to leave a party is an important skill, but we all know people who are lacking in that department; people who finish their drink, look at their watch, announce their imminent departure, but 20 minutes later are still putting their coat on, and half an hour after that remember a fascinating anecdote about cheese just as they are going through the door.
Well, much as I love them, Kings XI Punjab are in serious danger of overstaying their welcome. Last Thursday they were almost certainly out of it. After losing to Hyderabad over the weekend, they were almost certainly definitely out of it. Yet when I tuned in on Tuesday afternoon, it seemed they still had a slender chance of making the playoffs and were not yet absolutely certainly definitely out of it.
Admittedly, in order to see the slender chance you had to don your anti-plausibility goggles, strap yourself in, and take a psychotropic trip to the outer reaches of probability. It involved the alignment of certain planets, a suspension of the laws of physics, the disqualification of at least two other franchises, and David Miller navigating a spacecraft along a narrow trench before firing a cricket ball into a small exhaust port.
Full postThe inter-continental Twitter saga
Also known as the Lav Committee controversy
Andrew Hughes
11-May-2013
Twitter wars are less dangerous than real wars, but they are far more tedious. You know that a cricket Twitter war is going on because your timeline is full of inaccurate expletive-laden historical references, as though the opening-night disco at the International Conference of Anglo-Indian History had degenerated into a drunken text fight.
I'm not sure when hostilities began, but by Wednesday, the conflict was raging and the intellectual collateral damage was terrible. You know how it goes: colonialism, Gandhi, nuclear weapons, corruption, poverty, the class system, the caste system, the MCC, Henry Blofeld, Priety Zinta, cement, committees, Kermit the frog, a proper cup of tea, and so on.
Usually in these circumstances, I take the precaution of remaining uninformed. Ignorance is bliss, and it's also your best defence. If you're ever cornered in one of these sporadic inter-continental stupidity wars, your best chance of avoiding a tedious argument is to know nothing. Tim May? Nope, never heard of him. Can I go now?
Full postDaredevils: abandoned by mathematics
Just when you think it can't get more painful than a session with your dentist, the Daredevils arrive
Andrew Hughes
08-May-2013
On Tuesday morning I had to visit the dentist. Lying on my back, staring at the ceiling, wincing as my teeth were scraped, chiselled and sandblasted, I consoled myself with the thought that this wasn't the worst part of the day. I still had to watch Delhi Daredevils.
One of the reasons I'm not cut out for sport is that I hate watching people lose. All those slumped shoulders, those eyes glistening with a sheen of tears, the wobble in Siva's voice: it's too much to bear. That's why I can't stand nature documentaries. You know there's a good reason why the lion has to tear the baby rabbit to shreds, but anyone with a trace of empathy is praying that the rabbit has been taking self-defence classes.
Daredevils have been mostly awful so far, but the IPL is a cruel lover who likes to keep you hanging on, and the Doughnuts still had a mathematical chance. So in their effort to squeeze through a tiny gap in the barbed-wire fence of plausibility, they'd tried to shed as much baggage as possible. Six losers were jettisoned and six more losers called up, ushered out onto the stage like reluctant children at a school play.
Full postThe race for Mr Angry Pants 2013 Trophy
A rude Royal Challenger, a nose-out-of-joint Knight Rider, and a muppet of a Mumbai Indian are up for the title
Andrew Hughes
05-May-2013
IPL6 "The Squabble" is the best sequel yet. It's the story of a rivalry between two wealthy, successful, famous young men who, for reasons that are not entirely clear, are perpetually poised on the precipice of petulance.
The previously dormant Mount Tantrum began to rumble ominously last month when the Really Cross Belligerents took on Kolkata Kindergarten Rumpus.
Virat Kohli, considered by some to be the reincarnation of the god of hissy fits, played a shot that was so ugly that in many jurisdictions it is a criminal offence to broadcast it. Caught on the boundary, he stomped into the outfield looking for an argument, and bumped into the Prince of Pout, one Gautam Gambhir.
Full postPakistan cricket's style problem
Wasim Akram has employed a stylist to advise youngsters on presentation. We beg you, Wasim, stop
Andrew Hughes
01-May-2013
The subject for today's blog is fashion. So before we start, I should declare an interest: I am not a fashionable man. My sole claim to sartorial distinction is the possession of a stripey brown jacket that is so ugly I have been warned by the police that if I ever take it out of my wardrobe, I will be arrested for causing a breach of the peace. My trousers are boring, my hair is dull, and even my writing, devoid of zombie references and f-words, is so last century.
Still, as Oscar Wilde said, fashion is a form of ugliness so unbearable that we are forced to change it every six months. For many years the Pakistan board has applied the same principle to its Test team, so it was to be expected that at some point, fashion and cricket would come together. This week, we learned that Wasim Akram, headmaster of the Lahore Fast Bowling Kindergarten, has employed a stylist to advise youngsters on presentation.
Ex-pros telling young 'uns to smarten themselves up is nothing new. During the 1990s, when elderly English cricket mandarins were desperately trawling the Sea Of Explanations for a solution for our talent-deficit situation, one of the first red herrings they fetched up from the depths was the idea of the Magical Righteousness of the Blazer.
Full postThe non-cricket fan's guide to Australia's Ashes squad
Just returned from a trip into deep space and clueless about the players from down under? Not to worry, help is at hand
Andrew Hughes
27-Apr-2013
The internet has made our lives richer in so many ways. For instance, in the old days, if you wanted an argument, you often had to go outside. Now, thanks to the miracle of the worldwide instantaneous insult exchange, you can engage multiple conversational antagonists without having to abandon the safety of your duvet. One moment, you can be debating the existence of God with an angry goat herder from Uzbekistan; the next appending a smiley face-palm to an intercontinental spat over Justin Bieber's hat.
Sadly, whenever human civilisation moves on, there are casualties. Simple wholesome pastimes can become obsolete overnight. Towards the end of the 18th century, townsfolk who had for years enjoyed pelting convicted miscreants in the face with rotten produce, found that all the fun went out of their Saturday afternoons with the invention of the Steam Powered High Velocity Squishy Vegetable Dispenser.
And some of our most cherished cricket pleasures have also lost their charm. In the days when we thought cyberspace was what Cybermen needed when their cyber marriages were in trouble, our only glimpses of life on the other planets in the cricket universe was when visitors from these strange worlds spent the summer touring our country. The unveiling of the touring squad in a newspaper was therefore a special treat.
Full postWhy Gayle's sermon is the beginning of the end
You can't just block a couple and then start swinging in a five-day game, they say. But why not?
Andrew Hughes
24-Apr-2013
Ladies and gentlemen, I have seen the future.
"I wasn't really thinking much to be honest; I had a few plans field-wise, but other than that I just tried to clear the ball that came my way."
On Monday, David Miller of King's XI Punjab explained it in 30 words. On Tuesday, Chris Gayle spelt it out in 30 balls, though he used his own special language based around the numbers four and six, punctuated with the occasional stroll.
Full postThe idea of shirtism
The colour of the team jersey may affect fan loyalty, but not how the team plays
Andrew Hughes
21-Apr-2013
Last Friday, like the vicar bringing the village fete to an end, David Hopps gave us the closing speech at the annual county cricket versus IPL festivities. Now it's time to take down the bunting, let all the hot gas out of the balloons, and put away the placards until next April. No more words need be wasted on the subject. Apart from the next 172.
I'm English. I don't have a passport to prove it, but I can assure you I am. I get grumpy when people don't queue properly. I find the weather an endless conversational resource. I lament the rise of the hug and the decline of the handshake. Yet despite being English, I have no angst at all over the IPL. Every April, I take the cricket menu from Gower, the elderly waiter, scan the options, and plump for the IPL Souffle over County Pie and Chips.
I prefer to watch the IPL because it's fun. Be honest, I bet some of you sneered a little when you read that sentence. Well, unless you play it or write about it for a living, sport is entertainment. The prospect of having fun is what gets people through the turnstiles. The IPL is fun, and worse still, it's exciting. It also features most of the world's best players, it's on free-to-air television, and I can fit it in between the ironing and de-lousing the cat.
Full postA boxing bout between two blindfolded masochists
Punjab v Kolkata: the team that doesn't know how to win against the team that can lose from any position
Andrew Hughes
17-Apr-2013
I don't like these afternoon games; they're a little too outdoorsy. In my imagination, the IPL is staged in an enormous supersonic intergalactic circus dome screeching across the Milky Way. Daylight is an unwelcome intruder, as it would be at a Bollywood party. You don't want to see the wrinkles and crow's feet. For example, I used to think that Kolkata's outfit was glittering gold and royal purple. Turns out it's just aubergine and mustard.
Still, Punjab versus Kolkata is my favourite fixture. Traditionally it's the team that doesn't know how to win against the team that can lose from any position, and games like these are morbidly fascinating, like a boxing bout between two blindfolded masochists.
Since they've won the thing, I thought Knight Riders might be all serious faces and Powerpoint briefings this season, which is I why I ditched them and switched my support to Preity's lot. But on Tuesday the multiple Ks showed that they retained their old ability to make a complete Mike Hendrick of any given situation.
Full post