The Long Handle
Who needs a brand ambassador anyway?
What does it even mean? Questions, questions
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Today I read that Brian Lara is to be the "brand ambassador" for the Chittagong Kings. This is one of those pieces of news that causes you to sigh a little, slump down into the nearest chair and take a moment or two to reflect on the essential futility of human existence.
Brand ambassador. Like "idea shower", "360 degree feedback", and "paradigm shift" it's one of those phrases designed to make your teeth itch; jargon created in the infernal nether regions of the business world by people who, not content with turning the planet into a giant corporate theme park, want to asset-strip the English language and sell it for scrap.
There's nothing wrong with "ambassador". It's a grand old word, with more than a whiff of French about it. It reeks of tinkling champagne glasses, lavish receptions and extravagant canapés. It does not belong anywhere near "brand", a word that evokes soap-powder adverts, carbonated drinks and brain-numbing presentations by dead-eyed marketing zombies who sold their souls in order to fund their MBAs.
Full postWe need some excuse-making coaches here
The modern-day proliferation of backroom flunkies is often portrayed as a bad thing
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
The modern-day proliferation of backroom flunkies is often portrayed as a bad thing. Ex-pros who can remember a time when an international cricketer had to wash his own underpants sometimes appear bewildered by this state of affairs. Does Team England really need 27 chiropractors, a battalion of soup testers and a crack team of water-alkalinity troubleshooters?
Well, yes, they do. Thanks to this army of advisors, counsellors and hangers-on, the modern cricketer is able to sidestep countless traps and pitfalls, that, if left to stumble along without guidance, they would undoubtedly blunder straight into.
For instance, thanks to the work of nutritionists, the modern cricketer understands that eating three pigeon pies and a portion of battered chocolate for breakfast will not help him perform to his best. Thanks to integrity consultants he's discovered that being paid to fix cricket matches is wrong. And thanks to the efforts of fashion advisors, he understands that tattoos make him look more manly and emphasise his individuality.
Full postProblem with West Indies cricket? What problem?
They won the World Twenty20 because they were the best team and the best dancers, and because this blogger said they would
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
That was a good tournament, but it wasn't a great tournament. There were no shock results, for a start. Call me old-fashioned but a tournament doesn't come alive until there's a proper honest-to-goodness, jaw-dropping shocker, of the kind that causes you to spit warm tea all over your copy of the Telegraph and immediately order the butler to gather everyone in the drawing room for an announcement:
"I'm afraid I have to inform you that earlier today, England were defeated by Ireland at cricket. Oh, do stop crying dear, we have to set an example for the staff."
It was also a bit damp around the edges, but then this soggy corner of the Sri Lankan calendar was the only place where the thing could go, and so it was duly squeezed in like a modestly sized Georgian side table in an already well-stocked second-hand furniture shop.
Full postKP's non-apology apology
In which England's star batsman bowls a googly
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Big Brother Flower is watching you. Well probably not you, unless you happen to have a central contract, in which case he definitely is. Or at least, he's following you on Twitter, he knows where you live and he has someone whose job it is to rewrite your biographies. And I'd definitely take a closer look at that complimentary porcelain statuette of WG Grace that the ECB sent you; the one that keeps making those clicking and whirring sounds.
Most people who leave Team England are never heard of again. But although English players are brought up to know that they are dispensable, it seems some players are less dispensable than others. Recently, KP discovered that life in the commentary box is not as exciting as Bob Willis said it would be. Coincidentally, around the same time, Team England realised they hadn't got any batsmen. Rapprochement was on the cards.
And so it was that on Thursday, Giles Clarke of the Inner Party read out a statement to the effect that the ECB are satisfied that Winston Pietersen didn't convey any derogatory messages about the England captain, the England Team Director, the ECB, Andrew Strauss' friends, his caddie, his chauffeur, his cocker spaniel Elizabeth or his choice of new wallpaper for the second bathroom. And then it was Kevin's big moment.
Full postThe Not Entirely Unexpected Losers Café
The bodycount is mounting at the World Twenty20
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Most tournaments develop slowly; they have a meandering narrative that gives us chance to stop and smell the roses along the way. The World Twenty20 isn't like that. I'm only just getting used to the layout of my Ronnie Hira 3D World Twenty 20 Wall Chart, but the festival of thwackery has already passed halfway and is hurtling towards its conclusion faster than Mike Gatting descending Everest in a bob sleigh.
Today two more contenders were unceremoniously flung from the careering cart of cricket destiny as it rattles along the fixture rollercoaster. If you don't count Super Overs, New Zealand have only lost one of their last three games. But T20 is gladiatorial combat, and just like at the Coliseum, there's no place for polite handshakes and the quiet satisfaction of a hard-fought draw.
And joining New Zealand for commiserations and low-fat lattes in the Not Entirely Unexpected Losers Café at Colombo International Airport's departure lounge are the English, still suffering from Malinga Syndrome; a nervous condition in which you think you can see a small white object hurtling towards you at great speed from an unusual angle and feel an overwhelming desire to run away.
Full postThe next step in the evolution of the mystery spinner
Is the spinner whose deliveries are a mystery to him as well as everybody else
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
What's the most compelling sight in cricket? A helmet-less Viv Richards en route to the wicket, swinging his bat around his head? Jeff Thomson at the start of his run-up, preparing to unleash hell? Geoffrey Boycott's eyes widening as someone points out that his last comment wasn't entirely accurate?
And what about the moment when the mystery spinner makes his entrance? Watching batsmen face Ajantha Mendis for the first time was extraordinary. Professional willow operatives, men who'd released autobiographies; men who'd put their names to serious features in serious cricket magazines telling youngsters how to choose the right pair of batting gloves and how not to play the leg glance, were made to look like random Frenchmen who'd been handed bats and sent out to the middle without any explanation.
Perhaps that's how it was when the first devious rotter began flinging it roundarm instead of underarm. Suddenly the world was a shadowy, scary place, full of unfriendly bounces and malicious angles.
Full postDon't believe the invisible leprechauns
Or, a deep and meaningful analysis of England's shambolic collapse against India
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Cricketers may not fiddle their expenses, wreck the economy, declare illegal wars, issue fatwas or desperately seek to ingratiate themselves with the general public, but in some ways they are just like politicians. Firstly, when they retire they can't wait to inflict their tedious memoirs on us. And secondly, just like our elected representatives, they sometimes have to adopt a flexible attitude towards reality.
Shortly after Sunday's carnival of calamity had concluded, Nasser Hussain asked whether England might possibly have a teensy bit of a problem with spin bowling. Stuart Broad, wearing a straight face, replied in the negative. He may or may not have had his fingers crossed behind his back at the time. And the member for Nottingham was still wearing the rosy spectacles at the post-match excuse-fest:
"We still hop on a bus to Kandy in the morning. It is not like tomorrow is going to be a different day. It's not as if we have to go home or anything."
Full postThe no-extravagance T20
All that obscene money-spending and bling-flashing is left to the IPL
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Welcome to the Austerity Twenty20 (sponsored by Lehman Brothers). First, there was no opening ceremony and now we learn that India are wearing the same shirts they wore in the World Cup. The official line from the BCCI is that they hope the lingering aroma of victory sweat on last year's vests might, by some olfactory magic, inspire their chaps to similar efforts. In reality, they've got no money left after settling Ishant's hair-dressing bill.
This hasn't gone down well in the Indian dressing room. The days are long gone when a cricketer's only concessions to fashion were a dash of brylcream and a finely buffed pipe. You can just imagine the stifled giggles from their opponents when the Indian players are seen in public wearing last year's fashion. And perhaps being forced to model an outfit that was so 2011 explains India's shoulder-shrugging, "if we must" performance against Afghanistan.
Slashy and Grumpy, opening for the 3395th time, set the tone. The nearly run-out count was lower than usual at just two, but Slashy once again seemed slightly bored by proceedings and wandered off after a half-hearted tickle whilst Grumpy's subtle little dabs outside the off stump are in danger of giving subtle little dabs outside the off stump a bad name.
Full postNo opening ceremony?
It's back to the good old days when people just got on with their cricket
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
After the summer's five-ring-themed hoopla, it's a shock to arrive at the beginning of a sports extravaganza, clutching your glossy advert-infested "Guide To What You Already Know About The Teams That Are About To Compete", to learn that there is to be no pre-jamboree jamboree. No C-List Bollywood types lip-syncing to songs you can almost recall. No inflatable elephants. No real elephants. No Victoria Beckham. No inspirational choreographed tributes to the Ministry for Wellbeing. Not even the merest hint of a blimp.
The Sri Lankan board is having none of it. Just a brisk handshake, a quick blast from the World's Best National Anthems Compilation CD via a crackly PA system, and let's get on with it gentlemen. It's the kind of no-nonsense, taking care of business attitude that speaks of a purist approach to the game, of an impatience with the shallow fripperies of modern sport and of no money left in the entertainment budget.
There will still be garlands for the victorious team, but these will be made of discarded batting gloves and threaded by the losing 12th man. Prior to the final, the crowd will be entertained by members of the ICC Executive Cheerleading Squad (though in deference to the sensitivities of a worldwide television audience, hairy knees will be covered up at all times) and SLC are also hoping at some point to persuade Sanath Jayasuriya's forearms out of retirement to put on a demonstration of wood chopping.
Full postGetting Freddie a new hobby
But will it be enough to shut him up? Probably not
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Sometimes when watching the news you can become a little pessimistic about the future of the human race. Coming up with new ways to be angry with one another seems to be the only thing we're any good at. That, and selling stuff.
And then you read a story that restores your faith in humanity. Take a bow homo sapiens. We've just invented an automatic bat-seasoning machine.
I haven't seen it in action but I imagine it to be an enormous puffing fairground contraption, featuring a cricket ball on a string whizzing around at the speed of Steyn, smashing repeatedly into a whirring carousel of virgin willow, to the tune of a steam-powered pipe organ version of Soul Limbo. Who wouldn't want to watch that? They should bring it along to liven up the tea interval at Test matches.
Full post