The Long Handle
They do it with mirrors
Cricket Australia, that is
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Tuesday, March 8
It’s been a hell of a summer in Australian cricket. But after a dignified pause for sombre reflection and careful consideration, Cricket Australia have chosen to pretend that Andrew Hilditch is definitely the man for the job and he will remain as ringmaster of the Circus of Selection Horrors until August or possibly later.
Explaining their decisive non-decision, chairman Jack Clarke explained that they were all waiting for the result of the Big Review of Everything which is expected in August or maybe November, depending how long it takes AB to type it up and Tubby Taylor to colour in the pictures. But he had this reassuring message:
“We’re looking forward for sustained future success, we’re not looking with rearview mirrors.”
Full postThoughts of a stone-thrower
Andrew Hughes reckons the words“chucking” and “heavy” are in such a person’s mind before commiting the heinous act
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Saturday, 5th March
In the wake of the attack on the West Indian and Bangladeshi coaches, the ICC have acted swiftly. Speaking to journalists today, a man named Haroon, the organisation’s new Head of Homilies, defused the crisis with a pithy proverb:
“Rocks and stones may dent your coach but pebbles are not a problem.”
He went on to demonstrate, with the aid of geological samples and his grandson’s school ruler, that the flying objects which rattled Chris Gayle’s window were not stones at all. That’s right, in their post-match anger, the rock-flingers of Dhaka, perhaps mindful that the eyes of the world were upon them, had, according to Haroon, eschewed the lumpier ammunition in favour of some lightweight throwing pebbles.
Full postCurses be upon you, <i>News of the World</I>
Blame the paper for all future rumours, scandals and suspicions
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Tuesday, 1st March
Conspiracy theorists are like cockroaches: it is impossible to get rid of them entirely but they need to be kept under control. Unfortunately the post-Salman era is a warm and hospitable environment for these persistent pests. Indeed, blaming your team’s collective brain freezes and willow misadventures on corruption, once the preserve of loonies, nitwits, and the easily bewildered, is now a nearly respectable pastime for people who should know better.
Last week there was unsubstantiated television talk of Sri Lankan naughtiness in their game with Pakistan. And now Indian newspapers are reporting that other Indian newspapers have reported that a source has reported that the ICC are looking into Australia’s last innings. And so it goes on. I don’t hold Salman and friends responsible for all this. No, it is the News of the World who are to blame. We were happy in our fantasies. Reality is confusing.
Wednesday, 2nd March
Group A is one long snooze. The place where it’s all happening is on the flip side of the fixture list, in Group B, where the England cricket team are keeping the party going with consummate skill. By expertly pitching their performances ever so slightly either side of just about good enough, they’ve turned a tedious slog through the preliminaries into a thrilling rollercoaster ride. They are certainly answering all those moaners who said that there was too much 50-over cricket these days and that the tournament just went on for too damn long.
Full postAn outbreak of bad PR
In which the ICC are wise before the event
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Saturday, 26th February
Today the ICC’s Director of Understatement, Mr Lorgat, described what happened in Bangalore as “unfortunate”. Unfortunate for whom, though? For the people who were beaten with bamboo sticks and left bleeding on the pavement simply because they had wanted to go to a cricket match? Possibly. Or was he, I wonder, employing the word in the way that evil villains tend to use it, in the sense of a temporary setback but with no lasting consequences for his long-term plans:
“Mr Bond is still alive? That is unfortunate. It will complicate matters.”
More likely, since Haroon is not, as far as I know, an evil villain, he just meant that it was very bad PR. Still, bad PR is pretty serious. It’s far worse than bad karma, for instance. Karma can take a lifetime to catch up with you. Bad PR can bite you on the backside before you’ve finished your breakfast. Only a swift dose of spin can cure an outbreak of bad PR. Mr Lorgat promised that “a centralised ticket system would be something they would look at next time”. So that’s that sorted then.
Full postA reconstruction of Ricky's box-flinging incident
Alas, it's murkier than we thought
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Wednesday, 23rd February
Little Ricky’s note apologising for accidentally breaking a television with his groin protector is a classic of the genre. It will no doubt be filed in the same ICC shoebox as Michael Atherton’s handwritten letter explaining that he had soil about his person because he was trying to grow pocket potatoes and Ijaz Butt’s email insisting that he did have some really top quality proof that the England players were involved in match-fixing but unfortunately his dog ate it.
When it comes to the curious incident of the bouncing groin protector in the dressing room, I confess I’m a sceptic. I’ve tried reconstructing it like Jim Garrison investigating the death of JFK, but the physics of the thing just don’t add up. One groin protector flung into a kit bag could surely not have gained the velocity needed to break a television. Ricky Harvey Oswald was just a patsy. There must have been other groin protector flingers involved to topple a TV. We’ll probably never know.
But the absurdity of this situation is not in Ricky’s schoolboy-esque excuse but in the fact that he had to apologise at all. He was apparently in breach of the new Fixtures and Fittings Integrity Regulations. The ICC, having given up on trying to properly organise tournaments or tackle corruption have decided to crack down hard on the serious problems, such as the scourge of slightly damaged electronic equipment and lightly dented advertising hoardings that threaten to undermine our sport.
Full postCan we have the real Pakistan, please?
What’s going on with all the harmony, discipline and focus?
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Saturday, 19th February
Shahid Afridi thinks that Pakistan are dangerous. I disagree. A tamer set of green-clad cricketers you will rarely see. Shoaib Akhtar is an ageing rockstar, Younis Khan and Misbah ul-Haq are as sensible as a stout pair of brogues and even the captain is on his best behaviour. They’re about as dangerous as a Sunday afternoon in Bournemouth. And frankly, all this harmony, discipline and focus is dull, dull, dull; we get more than enough of that from the other teams. Loosen up, Shahid, and do something silly!
Monday, 21st February
As a species we have achieved much. We have travelled to the moon, carved railways through the sides of mountains, discovered supersonic travel, and eliminated the need to take two bottles into the shower. And yet it appears that, given 2000 years’ practice, four years’ notice, a potential audience of a billion and pots of money, we are still unable to satisfactorily arrange an efficient method of ensuring sufficient people gain entrance to a sporting event in exchange for a small fee.
The range of ways the authorities have found to deter people from attending World Cup games is impressive. Set up websites to handle public demand that then crash due to public demand. Refuse to tell anyone where they can buy a ticket. Don’t advertise where the games are happening until the last minute, like illegal parties. And, thanks to a suggestion from the Mumbai CA’s marketing consultant, a Mr Wonka, the public allocation of 10 golden tickets for the final have been hidden in bars of chocolate to be sold in sweet shops throughout India.
Full postThe ICC's fight against inanity
And a chance to win an award for decoding Brendon McCullum's electric quotes
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Tuesday, 15th January
Bearing in mind how well the wars on Terror, Obesity and Drugs have gone, it is probably just as well that the ICC hasn’t officially declared war on Corruption. But even if they haven’t announced the commencement of hostilities, they are pretty damn miffed with corruption. Make no mistake, if corruption sent them an invitation to its wedding, not only would the ICC not go, they wouldn’t even bother RSVP-ing.
Instead the ICC is running a kind of stealth guerrilla campaign against corruption. Today they attempted to disrupt the march of naughtiness by banning players from taking mobile phones into the dressing room. And not just phones. The list of banned dressing-room accoutrements include laptops, carrier pigeons, semaphore flags, plastic cups on string, and those blankets that the Sioux used to send smoke signals.
And, most gloriously of all, there is to be a ban on in-game Twittering. This has little to do with corruption but is a commendable attempt to stem the tide of inanity, profanity and banality that washes towards us in ever higher waves from the general direction of professional cricket. The message to players is clear: Shut up. Stop talking. Say nothing more. Zip it and keep it in a state of zippedness.
Full postMr Pietersen is not quitting
He will be back soon, with a new, improved Twitter technique
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Saturday, 12th February
It was a false alarm, folks. KP is not quitting! Earlier in the week, tabloid newspapers alleged that he was about to retire from Twitter altogether in order to spend more time playing cricket. But today he confirmed that his commitment to regularly updating the world on the tedious minutiae of his life remains as strong as ever.
Despite a recent decline in the quality of his Tweets, few would contest that at his best he remains one of the most prolific Twits around. And ahead of the World Cup he has been putting in the hard yards with Stephen Fry in an attempt to widen his vocabulary and develop a more tactful Twitter technique.
“Stephen’s got a lot of good ideas, considering how old and fat he is. I’ve taken a lot of his advice on board and to thank him for his help, KP is determined to be twice as good a Twitterer than what he will ever be.”
Full postCricketers and the classics
And how South Africa are going to exit the World Cup this time
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Tuesday, 8th February
Today we learned of another well-meaning, if misguided, attempt to employ cricketers as a force for good, this time to persuade people to read more. I’m not sure this is going to work. Frankly the news that Tamim Iqbal wants to be Harry Potter is unlikely to get me popping into my local branch of Books, Books, Books to contribute to JK Rowling’s yacht fund, though it might cause me to give the chap a wide berth if I met him at a party.
Perhaps the biggest mistake of all was inviting a Mr Pietersen to get involved. As he reviewed some of the classics of the English language, he kept us up to date via Twitter. This, for example, is what he had to say about Pride and Prejudice:
“Sum woman from the old days talking s*&t about bonnets and stuff!!!!”
Full postA victory for silliness
And a farewell to the Prince of Kolkata
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Friday, 4th February
Our humble sport is more than just a game; it is a lifelong education. Through cricket we can discover so much about the world around us. For example, thanks to the alleged misdemeanours of cricket folk around the world, we have been able to sample the rich variety of legal systems that our planet sustains. From the Lalit Modi saga alone I have learned lots of sexy new legal phrases such as “show-cause notice” and “recuse” and “massive financial irregularities”.
Well, today I was introduced to a dusty nook of English law with which I had hitherto been entirely unfamiliar. Apparently, right here in Blighty, you can be sent to prison for cheating! Who knew? I’ve lived here all my life and I had no idea that the c-word could land you in front of a judge. If only I’d known I was risking a criminal record all those years ago when I scribbled formulas on my arm before my maths GCSE, I never would have done it! So let this be a lesson to you kids, the law is on to you and cheating doesn’t pay. Unless you get away with it, obviously.
Saturday, 5th February
This is a sad day for cricket. The wait is over, our fears have been realised and now we know the truth. We all need to take time to reflect on what this means for our sport. No doubt in time we will get over it, but for the moment the loss is palpable. We must face facts, everyone: Sourav Ganguly will not be playing in the IPL.
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