The Long Handle
I sledge, you abuse
The wonderfully flexible line that divides acceptable on-field behaviour from the nasty sort
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Tuesday, 28th December
Today we were granted another guided tour of the murky ethical underworld of the modern cricketer. Apparently Sreesanth had been rude to Graeme Smith during the day’s play. The big man took exception to it and, Miandad-like, brandished his bat as though it were a weapon. This seems as good a use for it as any, since the lump of wood was not performing in its main capacity as a run-scoring device. But what can Sreesanth have said that so riled the statuesque South African?
More pertinently, what can he have said that has not already been said on a cricket field? Enter Paul Harris, in his post match seminar on the ethics of gratuitous abuse. He conjured for us a metaphysical line that no player should cross. How do you know when you’ve stepped over the line? When things get “personal”. But this only raises more questions. For a start, what does non-personal sledging sound like? How do you hurl abuse at someone in an impersonal way?
I’ve no doubt there is a line. It goes something like this: I call you names, that’s sledging; you call me names, that’s personal and unacceptable abuse. Maybe we could do with another of those Spirit of Cricket declarations, outlining just what a chap can and can’t say on a cricket field. We could even have an extra chapter explaining for how long it is acceptable to argue with an umpire. Alternatively, players could just be told to stop their silly name-calling and behave like grown-ups.
Full postThe wonderful new Captain Pup doll
Tired of your Lil Ricky toy
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Friday, 24th December
Normally, here at the Long Handle we enjoy a good fact-hunt. What could be more stirring than middle-aged men in suits crouched in the metaphorical undergrowth, diligently tracking their prey through thickets of hearsay and forests of misinformation? But the PCB’s latest fact-finding expedition into the Haider affair, wasn’t much of a hunt. It was more like a fact-foraging trip, in which facts that had already been left lying around were gathered up, dusted down and rearranged.
In trying to get to the bottom of things, the three wise men seem to have relied entirely on casual conversations rather than written submissions. Perhaps they were trying to save the rainforests. Yet surprisingly, although this fact-finding report is light on, er, facts, it does find plenty of room for insinuation, gossip and innuendo. Thus they are able to inform us that Haider is “a person who is easily convinced into believing whatever is said to him”. Perhaps they should offer him a job at the PCB?
Saturday, 25th December
Disturbing news from Kerala, where there appears to be a kerfuffle about the building of a new stadium. Some people are objecting on the flimsy basis that the area contains mangrove swamps and important wetlands. Well, what nonsense. The world is amply supplied with land that is wet, but what we are really short of is enormous concrete bowls with plastic seats, ample car parking and floodlights. Crack on with the building, chaps, and if the crocodiles give you any trouble, offer them free IPL tickets.
Full postGet your Bingo cards out
Because Pakistan is playing another series
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Wednesday December 22nd
Has anyone seen SKY’s objectivity? I could have sworn it was there this summer, or perhaps I only imagined it. Anyway, it’s been missing a long time now and I just thought it might be a good idea if they started looking for it, because frankly, without our old friend objectivity, their cricket coverage is as appetising as a bowl of sandpaper and gravel muesli.
Today I watched their review of the Ashes so far. A slightly fatuous exercise, like pausing coverage of the men’s Olympic 100-metre final at the 60-metre mark and debating which of the runners looks the most tired. Still, I’m a sucker for men in suits moaning about English cricket, indeed, that was what made up most of the BBC’s cricket coverage between 1986 and 2003, so I’d recorded the whole thing.
But I was mistaken. It wasn’t a review of the Ashes so far. It was a series of mock-team talks for the benefit of the English players and for those viewers who don’t particularly like the sport but do grasp the Botham principle of cricket, which is: England win equals good; foreigner win equals bad. Isn’t cricket about more than this? Is that all our great game boils down to?
Full postRicky’s terrible shock
And the spiffing new IPL format unveiled and deconstructed
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Saturday, 18th December
In their ongoing attempt to ensure that as few Pakistan fans as possible can see their team play, the PCB are apparently considering holding some of their games in China. The advantage of a Chinese adventure is clear: Chinese newspapers are unlikely to be interested in investigating the off-field activities of cricketers, and even if they were, they probably wouldn’t be allowed to tell anyone about it! Nice move, Ijaz!
Sunday, 19th December
A bigger IPL requires a fresh format and those hip young administrators at the BCCI have come up with a sexy new schedule that is sure to draw in the crowds. And responding to criticism that it looked a tad complicated, they have, for the benefit of us laypeople, produced this Dummies Guide to the arrangements for IPL4:
“Each of the participatory sporting entities will be engaged in a schedule of commitments commensurate with preceding editions; to whit, a quartet of reciprocal hosting arrangements in addition to a fourfold non-reciprocal fixture agreement, with the residual participants engaged on a home and away basis, followed by a meritocratically structured eliminatory interregnum, upon the conclusion of which, the venture will be considered to have satisfactorily attained a state of termination.”
Full postCricket goes medieval
Lie detector tests
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Wednesday, 15th December
Steven Smith has been told not to worry too much about runs or wickets. His main role will be to bring the fun.
“For me it is about making sure I am having fun and making sure everyone else around me is having fun.”
Selector Hilditch, who has been receiving treatment for a nervous tic and a tendency to cackle insanely at inappropriate moments, said that Smith’s comedic abilities were essential if Australia were to regain the Ashes.
Full postSpinners for sale
Buy an almost-new Aussie discard
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Saturday, 11th December
What is the key to defeating corruption in cricket? Tough sentences for those caught and convicted? Full disclosure of cricketers’ financial dealings and assets? Nope. The secret, apparently, is education. So the PCB have assigned to Wasim Bari the vital task of explaining to Pakistani cricketers that it is wrong to take money in exchange for fixing the results of cricket matches.
The PCB have spared no expense in backing Bari with a hard-hitting poster campaign. Designed by Ijaz Butt’s great-grandson and utilising the latest in wax-colouration technology, the poster features a cartoon cricketer receiving a bundle of money from a suspicious looking man in a fedora. Below this startling visual representation of all that is wrong with the modern game is printed the word, “Bad” in bold capitals.
And Mr Bari has an uncompromising message for the cricketers of Pakistan:
Full postHow Australia should pick their spinner
The way they'd pick a shoe for Andrew Hilditch
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Wednesday, 8th December
I’m not convinced by this wheeze of the IPL’s to swap all the players around. For one thing, certain players have become synonymous with their team. Can you imagine the Kings XI without Sreesanth? Or Chennai without Napoleon Einstein? Worse still, there is the danger that Sourav Ganguly might not be playing for a franchise in IPL4, which would be unforgivable and quite possibly illegal. I can understand why Kolkata might want to get rid of all of their players, but not Sourav, surely.
I do, however, see the merit in giving this idea a try in international cricket. Every January, the ICC could hold a ceremony at which all Test players have to put their passports into The Passport Randomising Machine. By mixing things up, IPL-style, the tired old format will be rejuvenated at a stroke. Who knows what we could end up with? Harbhajan playing for Australia? Ricky Ponting the captain of India? South Africans playing for South Africa?
Thursday, 9th December
The West Indian tour of Sri Lanka has ended a little earlier than planned.
Full postDo not unstitch your Biff underpants just yet
Everything's too uncertain with the IPL so don't act rashly
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Saturday, 4th December
It can’t be easy to be a fan of the Royals, the Kings XI or the Kochi Calamaties. Should you bin your Ramesh Powar tea cosy, unstitch your embroidered Graeme Smith underpants and try to learn the theme tune of the Super Kings? Or do you put your fingers in your ears when the IPL news is on and look forward to the player auction (whenever it may be) as though nothing has happened?
We don’t yet know, for example, whether Rajasthan will be involved in IPL4, but they are being allowed to take part in the auction. This is rather like letting your daughter choose some new goodies from the toy shop but warning her that she might not be allowed to play with them when she gets home. At the time of writing, we don’t know how many teams will be taking part, what the format will be or who will be playing for whom. By the time the IPL gets a grip, we may no longer care.
Sunday, 5th December
Congratulations to Darren Sammy and his chaps. Not losing is a significant step forward for Caribbean cricket and not losing in Sri Lanka is almost as praiseworthy an achievement as not losing in India. And though there was more than a hint of dampness around, the West Indians were not, unlike our favourite cousins from the Antipodes, praying for it. The rain merely spoilt the series, it didn’t decide it.
Full postKP's dirty disease, and Yuvi's new sponsor
England's star batsman is afflicted something that French queens usually contract
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Wednesday, 1st December
Kevin Pietersen is the latest victim of an unpleasant illness predominantly affecting highly paid sportspeople and celebrities. Known as “Marie Antoinette Syndrome”, the condition initially causes an inflammation of the pomposity gland and if left untreated, can result in a complete breakdown of the patient’s sense of proportion.
Antoinette sufferers are usually advised to keep away from social media but unfortunately, KP’s illness was not diagnosed immediately and his Twitter outburst concerning the nets in Adelaide was followed by a series of Antoinette episodes. There was, for example, this Tweet, from the dining room of the Plaza Hotel:
“F***** Lafitte 89!!! Wot kind of muppet serves an 89??? Evry1 noes the 89 tastes like dishwater!!! Amateurs! Had to send back the Hollondays sauce 2!!!”
Full postWhere did my old IPL go?
Andrew Hughes loved it when all the dirt was safely under the carpet
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Saturday, 27th November
Kochi are in. Rajasthan were out but they might be in again. That said, Kochi might still be out. The head of the BCCI said he would need some time to study the latest developments. I don’t blame him. I’ve put some of my brainiest brain cells onto the job and I still can’t make any sense of the thing. Then again, business talk always numbs my neurons. Share options, equity, consortium… excuse me, did I nod off there? Most of these IPL stories could be repackaged as lullabies.
Besides, I much preferred the old IPL, the one where all the dodgy stuff was done behind the curtains. You knew it probably stank, but they at least had the decency to keep the mess out of sight. No one wants to go and watch a play in which the director spends the first hour explaining why the set is a bit rickety and the plot is full of holes. All this openness and probity is a big yawn. Let’s get back to what it’s all about: silly hype, silly money and silly cricket. With fireworks. And blimps.
Sunday, 28th November
“Owww!”
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