The Long Handle
A beast called Ricky
Mr Ponting is losing touch with his animal instincts, apparently
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Wednesday, 20th October
Shane Warne, in his attempt to break the world record for pre-Ashes sound bites, has today found a new angle by offering us a zoological perspective on the merits of the current Australian captain:
“I think Ricky is at his best when he shows his Tassie devil side, which is aggressive, with a dash of flair.”
It transpires that Warne was referring to the Tasmanian Devil or Sarcophilus harrisii, a carnivore of the family Dasyuridae. Wikipedia has this to say about the apparently Ponting-like marsupial:
Full postBeing Jonty
Or what Pakistan are imagining themselves as these days
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Saturday, 16th October
PCB head honcho Ijaz “Asbestos” Butt today held an emergency press conference to respond to the ultimatum issued by the ICC. The Long Handle was in the front row holding a recording device.
“First of all, men of the press, you are wrong to call it an ultimatum. There was more than one ultimatum, so you will see, according to the Latin we should be talking about ultimata, not ultimatum,” he announced triumphantly. “This, in my opinion, is typical of the way the media misrepresent the facts.
“Secondly, as you can see, the paper upon which the ICC has printed these ultimata is from a non-sustainable source. Again, this is typical of the way these shadowy bodies go about their business. How many mahogany trees were felled to produce this paper? Do you know? Do I know? Rest assured, I have launched an investigation and will be handing the file over to Greenpeace or Friends of the Earth, I haven’t decided which.
Full postGet Lalit
And get Shane Warne while you’re at it as well
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Tuesday, 12th October
We all enjoy watching top-class administrators strut their stuff. Whether it’s live auditing from Dubai or accounts reconciliation at Lord’s, millions of us around the world are avid followers of the bureaucratic superstars of the modern era. But many people worry. Are there enough kids willing to try their hand at pen-pushing? Where are the administrative heroes of tomorrow going to come from?
Well, worry no more, because the Global Cricket Academy, unveiled in Dubai today, will not just be for players or umpires. It will become, in the words of the ICC’s President, “the centre of excellence for cricket’s best and brightest administrators”. This is exciting news and here at the Long Handle we have been fortunate enough to have a glimpse of the curriculum that awaits the chosen form-filling few.
It is a challenging course. Students must first master the “Post-Prandial Committee Meeting Endurance Simulator”, in which they learn how to avoid nodding off in the boardroom when Haroon Lorgat is talking. They will also face a test in which they are given 20 minutes to fill a blank calendar with as many fixtures as they can, and to help them keep on top of corruption, the pen-pushing hopefuls will be taught how to pop down to a newsagent to buy the News of the World.
Full postWinged creatures attack Bangalore Test
And why Punjab were evicted from the IPL on the grounds of breaching the Apostrophe Accuracy clause
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Saturday, October 9th
Bangalore is Kumble land and the man himself was in the house, aloft in the stands, looking on like a benevolent cricket god. His every appearance on screen provoked roars from what looked suspiciously like a full house. The faithful were compelled to view their cricket through barriers, which at first I took for another example of the appalling way paying cricket fans are treated in this part of the world. Then I realised these were not nets designed to pen the audience in but an enormous mesh erected to protect the public from the giant marauding insects of the locale.
In an unfortunate piece of scheduling, the Association of Winged Invertebrates (Karnataka Branch) had arranged their annual convention for the first day of a crucial Test match. Insects are, in my experience, a stubborn bunch and so, despite the arrival of 15 men in white, they continued about their business regardless. The effect on the viewer was disconcerting, as an occasional wing brushed the camera and, periodically, enormous creatures loomed into view. I’m sure at one point I saw Mitchell Johnson catch one with his tongue and begin to chew. Always had my doubts about that one.
Sunday, October 10th
You may think it drastic that the new IPL chiefs have expelled two franchises, but when you read the full details of what these franchises were up to, you’ll see they had no choice.
Full postThe Long Handle awards
Includes shiny trophies for most appearances, biggest twit and captain with the most sinister smile
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Wednesday, 6th October
For the second year in a row, the ICC attempted to steal the thunder of the Long Handle Awards by holding their own, smaller-scale ceremony on the same day. Happily, they did not succeed in deflecting attention away from the main event and this year’s winners were celebrated by a packed audience (Mrs Hughes and Hughes junior) in a plush auditorium (the Hughes living room) and hosted by a distinguished former player (yours truly wearing a Ronnie Irani mask).
There was a surprise winner of the Most Appearances In The Long Handle Blog By A Former Indian Spin-Bowling AllRounder Award as Mr Ravishankar Shastri scooped the prize. A clearly emotional Shastri made a moving acceptance speech: “Who? What? Look, stop calling me or you’ll be hearing from my lawyers! No, I’m not shouting! You want to hear me shout? I’ll shout, I’ll shout so loud I’ll make your eardrums pop!”
Twit Of The Year is a relatively new category for which there was fierce competition from the English contingent. Messrs Pietersen, Mascarenhas and Rafiq all put in sterling efforts, but in the end, the panel of judges went for Mr Simon Trundler of Anothershire, whose Tweet to his county captain (“Give me the new ball or I’ll burn down your house”) was judged to have communicated a clear message with brevity and a welcome dose of dark humour. Mr Trundler’s prize has been forwarded to the open prison where he is currently awaiting trial.
Full postNow on sale: Ricky Ponting wind-up doll
Friday, 1st October Watching little Ricky lose it with Zaheer today was just like old times and particularly welcome at the headquarters of Hughes Cricket Toys Limited, where we are well into the marketing phase of our latest product
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Friday, 1st October
Watching little Ricky lose it with Zaheer today was just like old times and particularly welcome at the headquarters of Hughes Cricket Toys Limited, where we are well into the marketing phase of our latest product. Sales of the Graeme Swann “Catch a Kitty” board game have slackened of late, so just in time for Christmas, we are delighted to announce the launch of the Ricky Ponting Wind-Up Doll.
Kids will have hours of fun with this pint-sized plastic replica of old Punter himself. Push his buttons and hear him splutter with rage before unleashing a string of semi-audible Aussie expletives. Or twist his nose out of joint and watch him stomp round and round in circles, brandishing his plastic bat until his baggy green slips over his eyes and he falls over. Get ‘em now while his captaincy lasts.
Sunday, 3rd October
The cricket in Mohali hasn’t been bad, but the real action is in the booth, where we are witnessing a fascinating clash for the Hogg-Shastri Lack Of Objectivity Trophy.
Full postSafety procedures for India v Australia
As well as a Michael Clarke appeal, an Ashes forfeit, and a relook at the structure of county cricket
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Monday, 27th September
The ICC Health and Safety Risk Assessment into the forthcoming series in India has been completed and has made the following recommendations:
1. To avoid any verbal misadventures, all communication on the field of play must be in ancient Greek.
2. In addition, the slip cordon must stand an extra 20 metres back, so as to remain out of the batsman’s earshot at all times.
3. Sledging will be permitted but only if the sledger has sought the permission of the sledgee and submitted the appropriate form (Sledge.1a.) to the match referee’s office prior to the day’s play.
4. A ten-metre exclusion zone will be established around Harbhajan Singh, who will at all times be required to wear black and yellow tape marked: “Danger: Approach with Caution!”
5. Enormous foam shoulder pads will be issued to all bowlers and batsmen, thereby taking the tension and some of the bruising out of those unfortunate mid-pitch collisions.
With these sensible precautions in place, the safety and well-being of all participants should be ensured. Play nicely chaps, and stay safe!
Full postThe Most Hideous Cricket Structures Competition
And the still-unsolved mystery of why Ravi Shastri feels compelled to shout
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Friday, 24th September
Like the build-up to a bout of sumo wrestling, there are many rituals to be observed before the Ashes combatants can get to grips with one another. Today Tim Nielsen ticked off another tradition by declaring that he was unsurprised by the English touring squad. In truth, he would have said the same had the list of names included Admiral Nelson and Coco the Panda. His non-surprise is a given. But he went on:
"We're always well and truly keeping one step ahead of where we are at the moment.”
Wow. Never mind that business about the one hand clapping; this is the mother of all Zen riddles. Even to try to comprehend what this means makes your cranium ache. I suspect Jonathon Trott will still be wrestling with that one all the way out to the crease at the Gabba and all the way back to the pavilion. We pick Tremlett, you hit back with enigmatic lateral-thinking puzzles. Round one to Mr Nielsen, I think.
Full postConventional wisdom is a deceitful blighter
Because it tells us this is England’s best chance in a long time of leaving Australia with the Ashes
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Tuesday, 21st September
Another 24 hours have passed and still the journalists camped outside Butt Towers maintain their vigil. His morning doughnut delivery arrives on time. A curtain twitches. But nothing happens. Down at Lahore Central Post Office, a team of postal clerks are on standby, ready to leap into action at the first sign of a robustly built silver-haired gent carrying a package for Dubai. The clock ticks on. The head of the ICC’s Anti-Corruption Unit stares intently at his inbox, waiting for an email from Butty@PCB.nogov.pk. Somewhere a cricket chirps. The tension is unbearable.
Wednesday, 22nd September
It is an unpleasant truth, but the fact remains that sporting events become more compelling when there is an element of antagonism between the competitors. Commentators even have a special cliché for use on such occasions: “a bit of spice”. They don’t specify which spice, though they probably have in mind turmeric or something similar, rather than, say, nutmeg. I can’t imagine David Lloyd declaring, “There’s a bit of cinnamon out there today.”
Spicy or not, there was a feverish, faintly ridiculous feeling in the air that after a truly horrible three weeks, today’s match would somehow settle everything, that through the simple method of one team or another winning a game of cricket, all manner of legal squabbles, unfounded accusations and unresolved punch ups would finally be resolved. It’s certainly cheaper than an ICC investigation or a libel case, but not, perhaps, as accurate in its conclusions.
Full postTime for a series of peace and brotherly love
Right after India v Australia VI: This Time It’s Even More Personal
Andrew Hughes
25-Feb-2013
Friday, 17th September
And so it begins. Not so long ago Eoin Morgan could do no wrong. His captain was calling him a genius and so frequent and nausea-inducing were the tributes from the Sky team that I frequently found myself scrambling to hit the off button in the split second between Morgan’s name slipping David Gower’s lips and David Lloyd’s eyes starting to go all misty. I understand that, thanks to a personal intervention from Nick Knight, the Pope was considering popping down to The Oval to administer a swift canonisation today.
But no longer. Eoin Morgan has played a loose shot and lost his wicket. Cue furrowed brows in the commentary box. What was he thinking? Having seen these English love affairs before, I know the signs. That initial infatuation is starting to fade. Plans to introduce Morgan Studies to the GCSE curriculum have already been shelved and that thrilling reverse-sweep will soon be the epitome of recklessness. The next stage is a little way off, but we’ll know we’ve reached it when Mike Atherton uses the phrase: “I’m one of Morgan’s biggest fans but…” and proceeds to elucidate the 127 reasons why the Irishman should be dropped immediately.
Sunday, 19th September
We have no live footage of the Spanish Armada 1588 or the Battle of Trafalgar 1805, so the Ashes 2005 will have to do. Why is this being shown again? Because it’s Sunday and we haven’t seen it for a few days. Jolly entertaining it was too, though to be honest, KP’s hair doesn’t look any better with the passing of the years. But it was proper cricket, no spot-fixing or mudslinging in sight. Just good old honest-to-goodness verbal abuse and petulance.
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