The Surfer

Nothing, I am afraid, quite on this plane in the Ashes series. The top-five batting of both South Africa and India is as formidable, in talent and stats, as any series can have seen. But what a shame that the two boards, and especially India’s, do not allow all the potentialities of this heavyweight contest to breathe. It should be ‘a marquee series’ of five Tests, including one on the lightning pitch at the Wanderers where England shrivelled in January – not a three-Test squabble between backpackers over where to pitch their tent.

It turns out that stadium visiting is a highly contagious behavioural pattern and, before you know it, you're standing outside Eden Gardens in Calcutta, pulling sad eyes until a kindly steward agrees to let you in for a peek, and the most precious item in your jewellery box is a small pouch containing bits of turf from Barbados, Sri Lanka and Old Trafford.

"The rule of thumb is to play the ball as late as possible. Playing with soft hands is a big thing. If you're watching the ball onto your bat and playing late, you'll have those soft hands naturally because you're not as far through the shot. People talk about hard hands, but you mainly play with hard hands when you're hitting the ball away from your body."

The most recent draw produced by the WACA pitch was in 2005 when South African Jacques Rudolph batted 431 minutes for a dreary 102 not out in the second innings to save the match, with the Proteas finishing at 5-287 in the second innings.

It is not just that Phil Hughes and Steve Smith are back in the team, there are plenty of pundits and members of the public crying out that the time has come for the likes of Mark Cameron, Mitchell Starc, Steve O'Keefe and Usman Khawaja. Where would Ponting fit into that? If Clarke continues to out-perform him with the bat then his position will become untenable.

Strauss was his most passionate defender – even when he failed twice in the tour's first warm-up match. Cook regained his rhythm, hitting a century against South Australia, but on the morning of the first Test he was more nervous than he'd ever been. "I'd begun to find a bit of form and I was desperate to have an impact on the series – because I'd failed in my two previous Ashes. That's why I was so nervous."

It is the moral quandary facing all English cricket fans at the moment. To sympathise or not to sympathise? The idea of the mighty Australians being reduced to soapy panic and staring a heavy defeat in the face is a superficially appealing one. But when it actually happens, it’s like swatting the fly that’s been bothering you all afternoon.

As you examine its tiny, squashed features on your wall, the overwhelming emotion you feel is not really satisfaction, and certainly not triumph. Relief that you have re-established your supremacy over the insect kingdom, but regret that you’ve stained a perfectly good copy of the Radio Times.

The flesh may have been willing but the spirit was weak. Too many players, notably senior figures such as Ross Taylor and Brendon McCullum with the bat and Kyle Mills with the ball, simply failed to deliver. They needed to lead the way and didn't.

They have to play some aces. Bringing in Wright is one, dropping Brendon McCullum into the lower order is another. McCullum might kick and scream but New Zealand need to rethink their tactics and their team.

Even when somebody pops up in more positive mood it raises a chuckle, as with the observation of the Western Australia and former South Africa coach Mickey Arthur on the prospect of what left-arm spinner Michael Beer might have in store for England in Perth. He described Beer as the "new Paul Harris", which was presumably meant to be a compliment, albeit a dubious one. If the new boy takes wickets in Perth, it will be a rare example of an Australian Beer being any good.

If he is picked for Australia this week Beer will make his Test debut after playing only four Sheffield Shield matches. Warne had played one fewer when he made his Test debut against India in 1992.

The tournament, which began on November 29, will go on for a month and a half. The participating players are mostly local villagers and though the organisers provide them balls, they have to pool in for bats and helmets, food and travelling expenses.

With breathtaking views of the Kullu Valley and the Dhauladhar ranges, the setting is spectacular. But the playing conditions are nowhere near perfect. The pitch is matting and the playing field is far from level—balls hit by a right hander towards the leg side tend to roll downhill where children in slippers play with bats crudely carved out of any available wood and balls made of cloth. Balls are sometimes hard to field when they slide off slopes or plop into streams. Occasionally, play has to be stopped as cattle and ponies traipse along the outfield, on their way to the jungle to graze.

But this time, England arrive in Perth as firm favourites, even among the majority of the Australian public. Andrew Strauss's side have been playing impeccable cricket. Since the third day in Brisbane, they have won just about every session of every day. In Adelaide, they produced one of the most flawless performances in recent history to win by an innings and 71 runs.