"If Owais Shah does not play in the second Test, he would be fully justified in rifling through Ian Bell's bag to see if Edgy from Edgbaston possesses incriminating photographs of the selectors dressed up like Douglas Jardine and the Nawab of Pataudi at a Bodyline-themed orgy."

Satirist and Cricinfo blogger Andy Zaltzman cuts to the chase in England's latest selection dilemma