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Captain Cook speaks on current topics

The man has an opinion on non-cricketing matters as well, you know

Alan Tyers
What now? Alastair Cook mulls his options in training, Trent Bridge, August 29, 2014

"If the new iPhone is wider, why can't our bats be too?"  •  PA Photos

On the England football team
"You don't become bad players overnight and there's every reason to suppose that England will go to the World Cup in Russia with a fighting chance of winning it. Or qualifying, at the very least. Actually my own record in qualifying for cricket World Cups is something of which I am quite proud."
On the problems facing Manchester United
"Those guys are working very hard, and when you have the quality they have in that dressing room you know it's just a matter of time before one of them scores a goal or makes a tackle or possibly comes in at the problem No. 3 spot for the England ODI side and really makes everyone take notice. If Radamel Falcao wants it and he puts in the work there's no reason he couldn't be there or thereabouts when we play Sri Lanka later this year, particularly when you factor in his useful seam-up as a fifth bowling option."
On The X Factor
"Very much so obviously Simon Cowell knows that this is a game of fine margins and some of those contestants in the first auditions stages - like the lad who sounded like a walrus being punched in the face - maybe have a little bit of work to put in. But you don't become a bad X Factor contestant overnight, you have to really work at it, like we do over trying not to panic and run from the field screaming at the sight of a bloke from Foreign doing that spinny bowling thing. Louis Walsh has been an absolute rock for me."
On the late Joan Rivers
"You have to respect the huge amount of work she put in to upsetting people. At the end of the day, though, it's a team game and if an individual is disruptive to the degree that Riversy was, then it's probably better for everyone if they are taken out of the situation. At least temporarily, or in Joan's case, arguably possibly permanently. Although that being said, the door is never shut in the England cricket team to anyone, be they alive or arguably slightly dead."
On the Ice Bucket Challenge
"If someone poured a bucket of iced water over me, I would take it on the chin and just keep doing the simple things well - breathing, synthesising glucose in my body to create heat, trying not to drip too much. Nobody will nominate me, sadly, although I do definitely have the full backing of the entire celebrity charity stunt community."
On Scottish Independence
"You absolutely definitely should not get rid of a system or a partnership or, for the sake of argument, a cricket captain just because it's totally not working and everyone's fed up with it. That would be very short-sighted."
On Vladimir Putin
"Like Goochie always says, leadership is about tough decisions, decisive action, judo, shooting animals while you are on horseback, and possibly annexing Ukraine if it's in one of your scoring areas. I've no doubt Putin will come good. He's too good a deranged megalomaniac world leader not to."

Screenplay by Alan Tyers.