Retired Aussies in ODI despair

Steve Waugh called for order.

"Right mates," he said. "Thanks for coming to this emergency meeting of the Old Baggy Green Society. Alfie: the lights, please."

"Yes skipper," said Justin Langer. He leapt up, dragged a stool over to the wall, climbed onto it and turned off the lights.

In the hushed dark, Jason Gillespie began singing the anthem of The Retired Australian Cricketers, "Regress Australia Fair Dinkum These Blokes Aren't Half As Good As We Were."

One by one, heroes of the past - Evil Glenn, Gilly, Junior Waugh, Bryce McGain - joined in. As the song concluded, many wept openly, but in a manly, competitive way, obviously. Langer, handling a stepladder with the same panache as he once wielded the willow at the top of the order, turned the lights back on.

Matthew Hayden served refreshments of his own preparation.

"Okay you blokes," said the beefy opener. "We've got Sledged Wallaby Profiteroles, Flat Track Road Kill and Awesomely Competitive Chowder, a new recipe of mine where I chuck all the ingredients in and see which one comes out on top, dog-eat-dog style, much like international cricket and top level gum-chewing."

"This current Aussie team are not up to snuff," said Steve Waugh, as the legends tucked into some of Hayden's home-cooking / vomited discreetly on the floor. "Losing ODIs to the Pommies can never be acceptable."

"It's up to us to inspire them. I wrote to some of the youngsters and offered to take them on a day trip to Shepherd's Bush, to see the memorial of the Unknown Barman, one of the most stirring sights for any Aussie abroad. But they didn't want to know."

Glenn McGrath raised his hand.

"What about getting the bowlers to practise glaring?" he suggested.

"We tried that," said Waugh. "But they're all either too nice, or too thick. And some of them have pulled muscles trying to get a real proper snarl on their faces."

"How's their sledging?" asked Mark Waugh.

"Totally unacceptable," said his brother. "I heard a rumour that one player, who I won't name, had said 'Good morning' to a Pom player the other day in the car park. And worse yet, he hadn't even questioned his right to be parking in the spot of an international cricketer."

There was a sad shaking of heads and muttering.

"There's only one way to get them motivated," said Waugh. "Make them think Andy Flower's found out they've got English grandparents - and tell them they'll be made to play for the Poms unless they buck their ideas up."