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The Heavy Ball

Your delete-as-appropriate England/India news

A DIY story you can use regardless of who you support

Alan Tyers
Fletcher: inscrutable dispenser of Zen wisdom / poxy oldster  •  Associated Press

Fletcher: inscrutable dispenser of Zen wisdom / poxy oldster  •  Associated Press

The England v India Test series is being contested in a good spirit on the pitch, but in the media and blogosphere it seems that relentless animosity is the order of the day, with fans of the two nations seemingly unable to agree on even the simplest points. To save time, all news articles about the series will here on be delivered with two separate angles, one to be read by English supporters and the other by Indian. Thus:
India's tour of England suffered a further setback yesterday when [key bowler / unfit shambles] Zaheer Khan was sent home. Zaheer's injury had been merely the first piece of [rotten bad luck / evidence of shoddy preparation] on the tour and leaves the [world's No. 1 Test team / soon-to-be-former world No. 1 Test team] in ever-deeper crisis.
With England's [collection of decent fast-medium bowlers who can only perform at home / pack of interchangeable pace bowling aces the like of which the world has not seen since the glory days of the West Indies] lining up for Edgbaston and [liability / gun] offspinner Graeme Swann likely to get [carted around the park again / back amongst the wickets], an unassailable 3-0 series lead is [the pipe dream of a madman / an inevitability].
Relations between the teams remain cordial despite the initial bad feeling over the run-out of [idiotic / idiotic] Ian Bell at Trent Bridge and the subsequent [dignified diplomatic intervention / bitch-like pleading ] of Andrews Strauss and Flower for the player's innings to be reinstated. Even the [mischievous quip / vile slur] from [much-respected former England captain / bitter has-been] Michael Vaughan that VVS Laxman had applied Vaseline to his bat in order to cheat the [widely lauded / useless] video technology has been laughed off by the sides.
Off the pitch, however, a spat between [Voice of the New India / triumphalist buffoon] Ravi Shastri and [much-respected former England captain / bitter has-been] Nasser Hussain has further ignited simmering bad feeling. The DRS is just one battleground between the BCCI and the ECB as they fight over [the very soul of our great game / television money] and cricket adjusts to the [exciting / distressing] shift of power from Lord's to Mumbai.
On the pitch, England are keen to press home their [claim to be world No. 1 / claims that are totally meaningless until they have played away in India] in the two remaining Test matches that take place before the [really important business / tedious sideshow] of the ODI series.

Check out CrickiLeaks - The Secret Ashes Diaries by Tyers and Beach