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'I'm certainly no Mr Miyagi'

Frank confessions of inadequacy and much else besides, in this fortnight's Twitter round-up

Alex Bowden
Paul Collingwood shows off his football skills, Durham v Nottinghamshire, County Championship, Division One, Chester-le-Street, September 18, 2013

No arigato required  •  Getty Images

I don't want you to overreact, but this week's Twitter round-up features a player complaining about Nando's. I know that seems pretty unlikely, but stranger things have happened - even if nocturnal furniture assaults aren't among them.
The fear
Alex Hales has an enemy.
Look at it looming ominously.
The either/or
Kemar Roach is here to wipe away the confusion.
Knew it was one or the other. Wasn't sure which.
The analogy
Darren Bravo fancies himself as a bit of a writer.
What, out of place and not remotely thirst-quenching?
The insight
Kraigg Brathwaite has a revelation for us.
The reflexes
Paul Collingwood's not as quick as he was.
The distinction
Chris Gayle wants to clear something up.
Life with Kemar Roach
How's it going, Kemar?
Why? What's been going on?
That is pretty unbelievable. These are indeed serious times.
What's your philosophy?
What does Shaun Pollock have for us this week?
It's not a sign of enormous maturity, though, is it? You're setting the bar pretty low if that's the best you've got to offer. Maybe we should look elsewhere for wisdom.
And you? What's your philosophy?
Apparently Shaun has a rival wise man in the form of Kemar Roach.
If you don't follow, might you lose it?
Nando's Watch
Who's their biggest fan? Steven Finn?
Nick Compton?
Or Alviro Petersen?
Petersen gets points for brevity, Compton for shamelessness. But not everybody's happy. Ireland's Paul Stirling has a major complaint.
Admittedly, it's a loyalty-based complaint.
Jet-lag Watch - part three
Somewhere in the world, there is always a cricketer complaining about jet lag. Brett Lee hasn't even flown anywhere.

Alex Bowden blogs at King Cricket