Punter's brain sprain, Shahid's cunning stunt

Australian skipper Ricky Ponting has been ruled out of the upcoming series against India due to an injury to his cerebral cortex, sustained during the toss at the beginning of the recently concluded second Test at Headingley. According to reports, the huge mental effort involved in going against all cricketing logic, past experience and common sense, to wrench his mind away from the decision to bowl first has resulted in Ponting's frontal lobe collapsing from the strain.

"Yeah, making the decision to bat against the Pakistan pace attack on a wicket that Mike Hussey described as 'having branches growing out of it' took its toll on poor Punter - he's gone and busted his frontal lobe as a result," said team physio Alex Kontouris, breaking the bad news to reporters. "In addition to the niggles he's already carrying on his hippocampus and amygdala, it's probably going to keep him out for three months at least. Kontouris also clarified that the Australian captain has been put on a recovery and rehabilitation program to get him fit in time for the Ashes in November - many gruelling weeks of solving Sudoku puzzles, playing chess, and trying to make sense of baffling statements made by NS Sidhu.

Rather alarmingly, Ponting isn't the only cricketer to suffer an injury to the brain in recent times. India's VVS Laman reportedly sprained his corpus callosum when the two hemispheres of his brain indulged in a fierce tug of war as he was in the process of hitting an innocuous bouncer from Lasith Malinga straight down deep midwicket's throat during the first innings of the Galle Test. Several Pakistani batsmen are nursing sore hippocampi, brought on by horrific memories of being dismissed by Marcus North.

Nobody is really sure about the reason behind the spate of brain injuries to cricketers, but most experts are blaming the usual things: excessive cricket, the IPL, cliched commentary, and India's financial muscle.

Meanwhile, Shahid Afridi has revealed the real reason behind his sudden retirement from Test career in the middle of the ongoing series against Australia. He saw it as the only way to prolong his Test career.

"In Pakistan, the only players who are certain to be picked and given the captaincy are retired or banned former captains. Since I can't possibly give myself a life ban, the best way to ensure that I could captain my country in many more Tests was to retire from Test cricket immediately," he explained patiently.

"Now, the next time the team loses a match or two in succession, and the PCB needs a former captain to agree to the president's personal request and come out of retirement to take the reins, they will consider me for sure. Unless they prefer to go with more experienced candidates like Javed Miandad. Or even AH Kardar," said Afridi, resisting the temptation to throw in a Sarfraz Nawaz reference.

In related news, current Pakistan captain Salman Butt has dismissed any talk of retirement anytime soon. "I have plenty of cricket left in me, and I'm still enjoying playing, so I'm not thinking of retirement right now. Maybe after the first Test against England in August," he said, putting the rumours to rest.