Stop the World Cup, I want to get off

It's been an entertaining five days at the World Cup, so I think that this is an ideal moment to pause, to reflect, and to decide to call the whole thing off. Let's shake hands, agree to share the trophy 14 ways and declare the tournament a success.

Why not? Everyone always says the World Cup goes on too long, like a band that has run out of ideas but keep on churning out the albums into their seventies. Most World Cups follow the career trajectory of the Rolling Stones: starting out with thrills, youth and vigour, peaking around the middle, then dragging on and on and on in an increasingly desperate attempt to excite an audience that long ago saw all it had to offer.

Most of the World Cup entertainment boxes have already been ticked. We've had India v Pakistan and Australia v England. England lost, naturally, but they didn't emerge from their thrashing empty-handed. As Moeen Ali put it on Tuesday, they got a "wake up call", which it seems is a bit like an early morning alarm call, except that it happens about six hours late. They also bagged an episode of minor umpiring injustice, about which they can whinge for the next few months.

We've had the obligatory World Cup shock, although Ireland beating West Indies is the most predictable unpredictable result since David the seven-foot-tall bruiser from Jerusalem knocked out the pint-sized Philistine Goliath in the first round.

It was widely reported by Bronze Age media that at the time of the fight, Goliath was in dispute with the Philistine Mixed Martial Arts Board, who didn't pick his brother Pee-Wee the Philistine for the tour, and who were refusing to allow him to wear the logo of his most recent endorsement on his breastplate, as they felt that "10% off at World Of Hummus!" didn't set the proper martial tone. (Incidentally, fans of ancient civilisations may like to know that the word "Goliath" translates as "easily toppled").

We've even had New Zealand winning their opening two games, which is good news for those cricket pundits who tipped New Zealand to win the World Cup in the belief that this makes them stand out from the other 97.5% of pundits who also tipped New Zealand to win the World Cup. You can't blame them. When you tip New Zealand to win the World Cup, people look at you with narrowed eyes, scratch their chins, nod, and say, "New Zealand, eh? Interesting. That's a pretty funky prediction. I've got a new-found respect for you." Stopping the World Cup at this point will enable those pundits to pretend that New Zealand would actually have won it, which of course, they wouldn't have.

And that's not all. South Africa haven't lost in the semi-finals, David Warner hasn't hit anyone, no matches have been fixed, and no one has been arrested. In many ways, it's been a perfect World Cup. Let's quit while we're ahead and start looking forward to 2019.