What to look forward to in 2015

Poised on the crumbling ledge of late December, about to throw ourselves recklessly into the screaming void of an unknown January, we find our final moments of 2014 disturbed by a persistent annoying chatter; something like the din of a million grasshoppers operating a million tiny keyboards whilst talking on their miniature phones about their holiday plans.

That, dear readers, is the sound of the planet's cricket writers and broadcasters seeking to unburden themselves of their memories of 2014, a mass compulsion as remarkable and at the same time disturbing as the emergence of cicadas or the migration of locusts.

But this proliferation of retrospectives is not for our benefit. After all, we already know what happened in 2014, because we were there. How much more useful it would be to look back at what hasn't happened yet, to be able to sum up tomorrow's goings-on without having to wait for them to transpire. Well, now's your chance. Sit back, take a sip of your favourite intoxicant and enjoy the foresight of future hindsight with the Long Handle review of 2015.

No choke
By late March, South Africa had cruised through their World Cup pool and into the last four, thrashing everyone in sight. Bookmakers stopped taking bets on a South African triumph on the grounds that there was absolutely no chance of their blowing it this time.

All of which made their semi-final exit particularly unfortunate. With Afghanistan needing 17 off the final delivery for victory, the game was interrupted by a kangaroo invasion. After a short delay, enlivened by replays of AB De Villiers being pursued around the outfield by an amorous marsupial, Morne Morkel was visibly shaken and proceeded to bowl 16 wides and a no-ball, allowing an injury-weakened Afghanistan to win with a ball to spare.

Booth banter
As had been long predicted, the failure of umpires to prevent on-field abuse produced dire consequences when it became clear that impressionable commentators were beginning to mimic their heroes. The trouble started at a pool game in the World Cup when Mark Nicholas handed back to the studio, Michael Slater made a sarcastic remark about his tie, and Nicholas was heard promising to go up there and break his f****** microphone.

By the time the Ashes started in the summer, scuffling in the commentary booth had become a regular occurrence, and on the morning of the Lord's Test, the Queen's presentation to the players was interrupted by Nick Knight, Shane Warne and Nasser Hussain brawling on the outfield, a confrontation started by Nasser claiming that Nick was looking at him funny.

At his 2015 Spirit of Cricket MCC Lecture, Ian Chappell summed up the problem:

"As I was saying to Dennis over tea and cucumber sandwiches at the Dorchester, the problem with these blokes these days is that they've got no f****** idea how to behave."

The Picture of Misbah ul-Haq
As 2015 drew to a close, Pakistan captain Misbah ul-Haq showed no signs of wanting to give up his post, even at the official age of 41 and a half. In fact, he seemed to be getting younger, his shiny complexion and luxuriant hair a source of envy for the nation's ageing ex-pros.

Keen to find out the secret of his success, Ramiz Raja interviewed Misbah in his luxury Edwardian apartment. On his way to the lavatory to adjust his fringe, Ramiz stumbled into a back bedroom, where he discovered a horrifying portrait - a close-up of former captain Inzamam eating a samosa - and behind that, an even more horrifying portrait of a pock-marked, deformed and hideously disfigured Misbah.

A police investigation followed, whereupon it was discovered that Misbah was in fact 165 years old. He was charged with keeping an unlicensed metaphorical anti-ageing artefact, reprimanded for his deception, and forced to give a commitment that he would definitely step down following the next World Cup, or the one after that.

Michael Vaughan retires
Finally, the cricket world was rocked in November when Michael Vaughan announced that he was retiring from trolling people on Twitter:

"These days trolling is a demanding job. To be colossally annoying on multiple digital platforms at the same time can take its toll on your family life. More than once my wife and children have been left sitting around a restaurant table, their fish course going cold, while I'm in the gents tweeting some world class bantz to a global audience.

"Closing my Twitter account means I will be able to concentrate on annoying people on Channel Five, Sky, Radio Four, at the post office, in the deli queue at the supermarket, and through my new exclusive column with the Daily Spew."