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Guest appearances

Eleven things Shoaib Akhtar can do to liven up the World Twenty20, now that he's not going to be playing in it

Shoaib Akhtar arrives for a fitness test at the Gaddafi Stadium, Lahore, April 3, 2009

Sunglasses model? Easy peasy  •  AFP

1. Donate his body to science while still alive. Holders of expensive tickets to the games get a free biology class thrown in, in which they get a guided tour of the medical marvel that is Shoaib - hyper-extensible elbows, barrel chest, flat feet, floating bones in knees, warts and all.
2. Be a guest vocalist on the PA during games and bring about world peace and unity by singing "We Shall Overcome" in his inimitable, unclassifiable accent.
3. Team up with Peter Stringfellow (of Stringfellow's) to unveil the box-thong, the most significant invention in protective cricket gear since the helmet.
4. Compete against Goughie and Ramps in a cricketers-only two-hour special of Strictly Come Dancing, the winner of which will perform at the closing ceremony of the World Twenty20, dressed only in the Stringfellow's-Akhtar Box-Thong, and at the IPL's closing ceremony next year in Baghdad.
5. Conduct stress tests on the new Mongoose bat - especially how well it stands up to the rigours of being brought into violent contact with human flesh - in a special mid-innings segment called "'Ave a Bash".
5. Rescue Susan Doyle from the throes of celebrity. Whisk her out of rehab and away from the media glare, to Pakistan, where she can return to the anonymity she - and Shoaib - desperately craves.
6. Give a heartfelt interview to Parkinson about how Michael Jackson (due to perform in London soon, just as Shoaib was!) and he are kindred souls, misunderstood by the world; how he feels the pain of the Gloved One (only, not in the same places); and how he too sometimes feels like he's living in Neverland.
7. Refuse to accept an MBE from the Queen, because, you know, scrappers like Paul Collingwood have been given the same honour. Shoaib is a Ferrari, not a Robin Reliant, who wants to be the best against the best and is deserving of a knighthood, you know?
8. Jet-ski down a giant water slide at the closing ceremony, lip-syncing along to "I Don't Like the Drugs (But the Drugs Like Me)".
9. Hold a pay-per-view, clear-the-air meeting with Worcestershire chairman John Elliot, who once said, "… Shoaib has been no good for any club he's been at. It's all about team spirit and getting the dressing room right, and when you've got a bloke like Shoaib in there, it can cause mayhem. He's a superstar and just does what he wants."
10. Get himself cast for the first talking waxwork at Madame Tussauds - programmed, when a viewer approaches, to sigh heavily and say, "It's not easy being me".
11. Challenge the London Eye to a race to see whether he can complete one over before the big wheel completes one revolution.