The Index
'Et tu?'
Julius Caesar was told to beware the ides of March. Here's a look at betrayals that could occur in cricket on March 15
Samantha Pendergrast
10-Mar-2013
MS Dhoni decides to end his relationship with Chennai Super Kings due to irreconcilable differences. "Truth be told, I never warmed up to the yellow jersey," Dhoni says. "I tried everything, including shaving my head, but it just never looked good on me."
Butter chicken not on the menu in Mohali.
Mohammad Irfan admits he isn't really over seven feet tall, just that his hair is really voluminous.
Full postSome vital records that are on the verge of being broken
Want stats? Bet you didn't know about these upcoming milestones
Alan Tyers
22-Feb-2013
James Anderson this week surpassed Sir Ian Botham as the most wicketing-est English bowler ever; he has now taken 534 international scalps, an English record. Until it happened, many of us - including, reportedly, Sir Ian - didn't even know that there was such a thing as a record for international wickets. So what other records are being broken as we speak?
If he takes one more wicket or scores one more run, Waddington Mwayenga will break his own Zimbabwean record for Most Combined Runs and Wickets Scored by a Zimbabwean Called Waddington at Harare (16) . Sadly Waddington has not played for the national side since 2005, but he remains focused on his record-breaking exploits.
Kevin Pietersen is ranked 62,640,999th in the Tate And Lyle Most Popular Person in the United Kingdom Rankings and is eyeing a sensational record-breaking double of Most Lowly Placed Person in the United Kingdom Popularity Rankings Multiplied by Square Footage of House Owned in Chelsea - the so-called Michael Winner Constant - but faces stiff competition from John Terry.
Full postA dual-purpose news report about England
Not sure what's going on with their T20 side? Help is at hand
Alan Tyers
15-Feb-2013
Of late, the England T20 side has lurched alarmingly between brilliance and incompetence, and as the games are taking place on the other side of the world, it can be hard for the UK fan to follow what's going on. Here's a handy guide to the side's latest performance.
England cruised/crashed to victory/defeat today against New Zealand. The signs were clear from the outset that this would/wouldn't be England's day when Stuart Broad won the toss and confidently/bizarrely decided to bowl. England bowled like men possessed/men who had never seen a cricket ball before, and New Zealand could have easily been out for single figures/batted for an eternity without losing a wicket. A notable performance from Jade Dernbach saw him produce his full repertoire of variations/idiocy in taking a hatful of wickets/going wicketless while getting carted around the park/ getting carted around the park.
England once again fielded tigerishly/sloppily as they clung onto/flapped incompetently at a series of chances. The highlight/lowlight was Samit Patel's brilliant leaping catch/unfortunate miss when he tripped over the ball and dropped his isotonic chicken burger at extra cover.
Full postWarnie fixes Australian cricket
The blond legend's blueprint for success - leaked
Alan Tyers
04-Feb-2013
Too many non-cricket people involved. There should be two qualifications: firstly, are you a cricket people? And secondly, are you my mate? We have to create senior Cricket Australia roles for Pigeon, Tubby, Alfie, Boof, Pinko, Stinko, Ratty, No Feet, The Admiral, Nick The Greek, Dirty Barry, Dirty Barry's cousin Garry, and my wonderful fiancée Liz Hurley.
Too many key moments are going against the Australian team because of little things like not having the absolute best quality gear. Underwear is especially important: the player who feels secure in the undercarriage department feels secure to go out there and give of his best, which is why I am recommending Warne's Tighty Whiteys - available from all good gentleman's outfitters (just ask for Brett) and bottle-os.
Image and body language on the field are absolutely vital. Liz is available to coach players on deportment, the art of being a spokesmodel, and wearing clobber with safety pins in it. Pup is very much on board with this part of the blueprint.
Full postCounty names re-rebranded to truthfully reflect roots
Lobby group demands nicknames in American style to be done away with
Scott Oliver
01-Feb-2013
The backlash to T20's slow Americanisation of cricket was inevitable; it's just a surprise it took so long. Yet it has now emerged that a group of hard-line county cricket supporters, headed by the redoubtable Yorkshire member Frank Wisdom, has successfully lobbied the ECB to excise the "razzle-dazzle codswallop" from the game and have the counties re-re-branded in a manner that more faithfully reflects their roots.
"I'm not interested in seeing whether Lanky the Giraffe can beat Jose the Hawk in a 60-metre dash," grumbled Wisdom, in a state of incipient inebriation as he held forth on several of the worrying trends afflicting the game that has defined his life. "And I don't need to see a dancing semi-naked girl in order to appreciate a good outswinger successfully defended to extra cover, much as I don't need to be contemplating Ted Dexter's cover drive when I'm staring at a semi-naked lady. The two don't mix."
His real bugbear with this new-fangled modern cricketing razzmatazz was the "stupid bloody names" given to teams in an effort to attract new sponsors. "Turd-polishing. I blame the Yanks. They can't call a spade a bloody spade over there."
Full postWhere can cricket be played next?
A list of alternative venues for cricket to explore
Alan Tyers
25-Jan-2013
With an ODI set to be played (or snowed off) in the Himalayan foothills town of Dharamsala, cricket considers other potential venues
1) Requena, Peru
Located in the Amazon rain forest, the ground, with its humid conditions, provides help for swing bowlers. Deforestation should provide ample seating space for ICC corporate partners.
Located in the Amazon rain forest, the ground, with its humid conditions, provides help for swing bowlers. Deforestation should provide ample seating space for ICC corporate partners.
2) Ross Island, The South Pole
Working under the guidance of Lord's, plans are already underway to offer debenture packages to local penguins, who are considered ideal attendees for the posh seats due to their immaculate suits and fondness for cold fish buffets.
Full postWorking under the guidance of Lord's, plans are already underway to offer debenture packages to local penguins, who are considered ideal attendees for the posh seats due to their immaculate suits and fondness for cold fish buffets.
What to look forward to in 2013
A handy month-by-month breakdown of what we can expect from the world of cricket this year
Alan Tyers
07-Jan-2013
January: After he is among the wickets and runs against Sri Lanka, there is a growing clamour for Mitchell Johnson to be selected for the Ashes. From English people.
February: Woes for New Zealand as they are bowled out for 7. "We probably underestimated our opponents," admits the captain, Brendon McCullum. "Some of those six-year-old girls were seriously useful competitors, and at the end of the day we have to accept that beach cricket can be an unforgiving format."
March: There's another statistical milestone for Sachin Tendulkar when he becomes the first right-handed batsman to be the subject of one trillion arguments on the internet.
Full postThe young players not to watch in 2013
This year has seen some eye-catching debuts for several of the Test nations. Here's a rundown of the players who might be bursting onto the scene in the next
Alan Tyers
28-Dec-2012
Bradley Mitchell (Australia)
Exciting but raw young quick who has played just four first-class games. Swings it both ways but has been troubled by injuries.
Exciting but raw young quick who has played just four first-class games. Swings it both ways but has been troubled by injuries.
Mitchell Bradley (Australia)
Exciting but raw young quick who has never actually played a cricket match. Swings it both ways but has been troubled by being in full body plaster cast for 18 months.
Exciting but raw young quick who has never actually played a cricket match. Swings it both ways but has been troubled by being in full body plaster cast for 18 months.
Madley Britchell (Australia)
Exciting but raw young foetus who has yet to be born. Potential to swing it both ways but has been troubled by being incredibly fragile and the size of a pea.
Full postExciting but raw young foetus who has yet to be born. Potential to swing it both ways but has been troubled by being incredibly fragile and the size of a pea.
Dodgy prawns and other delights
England are in India. Time to dig out the food-related cricket stories
Scott Oliver
03-Dec-2012
With England in the midst of an arduous series in India, habitually a difficult place to tour for less gastronomically adventurous souls, this is a good time to look at some food-related cricketing stories, starting - where else? - with an excuse for a poor tour of India…
Dodgy prawns
As idiosyncratic an administrator as he was dashing a middle-order strokeplayer, "Lord" Ted Dexter's tenure as England chairman of selectors was never dull. Take the Madras Test in 1993, on the eve of which several members the England squad dined on prawns (Chinese style, not Madras), skipper Graham Gooch waking up dizzy and nauseous and having to sit out the game. Having blamed the loss of the first Test in Calcutta on smog, now it was the "dodgy prawns" what done it, officer.
As idiosyncratic an administrator as he was dashing a middle-order strokeplayer, "Lord" Ted Dexter's tenure as England chairman of selectors was never dull. Take the Madras Test in 1993, on the eve of which several members the England squad dined on prawns (Chinese style, not Madras), skipper Graham Gooch waking up dizzy and nauseous and having to sit out the game. Having blamed the loss of the first Test in Calcutta on smog, now it was the "dodgy prawns" what done it, officer.
Weetabix
When a team-mate insists you be blindfolded if you wish to pop round for a cuppa tea (and with Jack Russell having a 20-a-day habit, often with the same teabag, there's a pretty good chance he'd have a brew on), it's safe to assume you're in the presence of eccentricity. The Gloucester and England gloveman packed suitcases of baked beans for trips to Asia and ate chicken cashew five nights straight in Perth (without the cashews), but it was insistence that his lunchtime Weetabix were soaked for exactly eight minutes - how else do you eat them? - that suggests his fridge is light on sushi, foie gras, ostrich steaks and oysters.
Full postWhen a team-mate insists you be blindfolded if you wish to pop round for a cuppa tea (and with Jack Russell having a 20-a-day habit, often with the same teabag, there's a pretty good chance he'd have a brew on), it's safe to assume you're in the presence of eccentricity. The Gloucester and England gloveman packed suitcases of baked beans for trips to Asia and ate chicken cashew five nights straight in Perth (without the cashews), but it was insistence that his lunchtime Weetabix were soaked for exactly eight minutes - how else do you eat them? - that suggests his fridge is light on sushi, foie gras, ostrich steaks and oysters.
What now for Ricky Ponting?
The Perth Test will be the last time we see the great man pull on the baggy green. But what might retirement hold?
Alan Tyers
30-Nov-2012
1) Dossier compiling and research
Australian cricket needs its ex-players to step up with valuable intuitions into the team's opponents. It will be hard to top Justin Langer's "Aw look, bowl it at the stumps" level of insight, but Ricky has a lot to offer.
Australian cricket needs its ex-players to step up with valuable intuitions into the team's opponents. It will be hard to top Justin Langer's "Aw look, bowl it at the stumps" level of insight, but Ricky has a lot to offer.
2) Coach of England
With the job being divided between Ashley Giles and Andy Flower - as well as a support staff of thousands - there should be a role as specialist gum-chewing and staring coach for Ricky if he wants it.
With the job being divided between Ashley Giles and Andy Flower - as well as a support staff of thousands - there should be a role as specialist gum-chewing and staring coach for Ricky if he wants it.
3) Christmas Pantomimes in England
No Australian cricketer of recent years has been so lovingly hated by English fans as Ricky. This could be ideal preparation for a spell in the West End as Captain Hook, or perhaps with fellow former skipper Steve Waugh as an Ugly Sister two-for-one combo.
Full postNo Australian cricketer of recent years has been so lovingly hated by English fans as Ricky. This could be ideal preparation for a spell in the West End as Captain Hook, or perhaps with fellow former skipper Steve Waugh as an Ugly Sister two-for-one combo.
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