The Index

Warnie fixes Australian cricket

The blond legend's blueprint for success - leaked

Alan Tyers
Shane Warne poses with a statue of himself unveiled at Melbourne Cricket Ground, December 22, 2011

Tip no. 34: Put yourself on a pedestal; only then will others put you on one  •  Getty Images

Too many non-cricket people involved. There should be two qualifications: firstly, are you a cricket people? And secondly, are you my mate? We have to create senior Cricket Australia roles for Pigeon, Tubby, Alfie, Boof, Pinko, Stinko, Ratty, No Feet, The Admiral, Nick The Greek, Dirty Barry, Dirty Barry's cousin Garry, and my wonderful fiancée Liz Hurley.
Too many key moments are going against the Australian team because of little things like not having the absolute best quality gear. Underwear is especially important: the player who feels secure in the undercarriage department feels secure to go out there and give of his best, which is why I am recommending Warne's Tighty Whiteys - available from all good gentleman's outfitters (just ask for Brett) and bottle-os.
Image and body language on the field are absolutely vital. Liz is available to coach players on deportment, the art of being a spokesmodel, and wearing clobber with safety pins in it. Pup is very much on board with this part of the blueprint.
Also, never let the opposition see you getting down. Suggestion, maybe a bit left field, but how about botoxing all Australian cricketers into having the same smiling and focused facial expression at all times?
We need to encourage a risk-taking mentality in players. This could be done by getting them to sign up for exciting games of chance and skill on the internet, for instance, picking an example at random.
Tugga made a really big deal out of the bonding and sense of history we got from the baggy green. But the game moves on, and I believe that world cricket is now ready for the Ruggy Blond. If all the Australian team from 1 to 11 were walking out with a lovely thick head of blond hair, thanks to the very latest technology and at surprisingly affordable prices (see for more details), I believe we would one again become an intimidating world-beating outfit.
I've noticed that some of the blokes get quite fired up by my weekly announcements that even at my age I am still a bloody sight better than the current shower, and if they need me to come back save their necks by sorting the Poms out single-handed then that is what I am prepared to do if my country needs me. They could be encouraged to debate this on a public forum, perhaps, to pick an example at random.
There is so much talent in Australian cricket (not just me!) and wonderful commercial opportunities (mainly involving me!) that it is time for all of us, or at least all of my mates, to start pulling together. See all media outlets for more details. Cheers.

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