A dual-purpose news report about England

England cruised/crashed to victory/defeat today against New Zealand. The signs were clear from the outset that this would/wouldn't be England's day when Stuart Broad won the toss and confidently/bizarrely decided to bowl. England bowled like men possessed/men who had never seen a cricket ball before, and New Zealand could have easily been out for single figures/batted for an eternity without losing a wicket. A notable performance from Jade Dernbach saw him produce his full repertoire of variations/idiocy in taking a hatful of wickets/going wicketless while getting carted around the park/ getting carted around the park.

England once again fielded tigerishly/sloppily as they clung onto/flapped incompetently at a series of chances. The highlight/lowlight was Samit Patel's brilliant leaping catch/unfortunate miss when he tripped over the ball and dropped his isotonic chicken burger at extra cover.

When it came to their turn with the bat England began positively/soporifically. Their newfound ability to hit sixes/old failing of blocking ball after ball before slogging wildly was to the fore as they set off confidently/more in hope than expectation. Once the spinners came on, England's batsmen exploded/crumbled as they dominated/capitulated meekly against the non-turning ball. When the lower middle order came in to finish things off in style/pile on further embarrassment, England were soon celebrating/reeling from another big win/fiasco.

Speaking after the match, captain Stuart Broad said: "Obviously at this level it is about executing skills, and we absolutely did/didn't execute our skills in the important executing the skills department. We'll be looking to carry this momentum forward/put this game behind us in the next match and I'm confident that we can produce the same sort of performance/play like an entirely different side in that."