'Et tu?'

MS Dhoni decides to end his relationship with Chennai Super Kings due to irreconcilable differences. "Truth be told, I never warmed up to the yellow jersey," Dhoni says. "I tried everything, including shaving my head, but it just never looked good on me."

Butter chicken not on the menu in Mohali.

Mohammad Irfan admits he isn't really over seven feet tall, just that his hair is really voluminous.

Mike Hesson tells Ross Taylor that Hamish Rutherford is the best batsman of all time. Of all time.

Kumar Sangakkara does not telepathically understand everything Mahela Jayawardene tries to tell him. "There's someone else in his life, I'm sure of it," sobs Mahela.

Bangladesh's players agree to call themselves minnows to take advantage of the ICC's Targeted Assistance and Performance Programme aimed at developing more competitive teams at the highest level. Their fans decide to express their disgust at this decision by turning up to matches in Roman skirts.

Tino Best changes his last name to "Better". "I cannot tell a lie. I am a work in progress," says Tino. "I'd like to apologise to all my fans and all the rappers I inspired, especially Del the Funkee Homosapien, Shorty Shitstain and Kreayshawn."

Graeme Swann admits to using a stand-up comedian to write his tweets for him. "A humorous cricketer is a rarity these days. I just wanted to be noticed." And the Knowledgeable Chennai Crowd admits to using ESPNcricinfo's ball-by-ball commentary to acquaint itself with the game.

Mike Brearley's degree in people turns out to be forged. "I was just ridiculously lucky," says Brearley.

Virender Sehwag's new spectacles not prescribed by optometrist. "Everybody keeps saying I only 'see ball, hit ball', so I thought this way I could double-check the ball," says Sehwag.

MCC coaching manual used to prop up shaky tables at Lord's.

This Page 2 article does not mention You-Know-Who.