The Index

Andrew Flintoff has a new TV show coming out, called Flintoff: From Lord's to the Ring, in which he trains for, and fights in, a professional boxing match. Here are some more TV-cricket proposals currently in development by Flintstone Productions.

Orphan Zoo: South Africa
Heart-warming nature documentary where a cute little South African egobeeste is reintegrated into its herd after getting lost. Sadly, it is attacked and eaten by the rest of the herd.

Police! Camera! Action!
Fly-on-the-wall documentary following members of the BCCI's media blackout unit as they hunt photographers who do not have the correct accreditation and lock them up, for the good of society as a whole.

In the latest James Bond film, Skyfall, you may not see the superspy order the shaken-not-stirred vodka martini because Heineken has signed a deal with the franchise to have him shown drinking beer. Imagine if cricket's iconic symbols ran into some marketers. Here's how the PR would spin it.

After Fire In Babylon got a lot of attention outside the cricketing world, Hollywood producers decided to commission work on some "true-life" cricket stories which they hope will turn into blockbuster hits or Oscar contenders - or at least Japanese remakes where everybody dies in the end. Here are a few ideas based on current events in the game that we will pitch to them. Send us your ideas in the comments.

Situation Nick Compton's quest for 1000 runs before the end of May
Plot The pacy "will he or won't he" plot is set against the background of picturesque though soggy English grounds. Apart from all the run-scoring and light meter-gazing, there's also plenty of broad dressing-room humour and feel-good earthy characters, like the groundsman who, wishing to have the 1000th scored on his pitch, flies to Colombo to steal a chunk of the SSC, which results in a comical side-story of him being chased half way across the world by Mahela Jayawardene screaming, "Nobody messes with my pitch!" There is also a spiritual angle when our anxious protagonist is visited in his dreams by his grandfather, who gives him batting and grooming tips and shares scandalous gossip about Cyril Washbrook and a pencil sharpener.

Situation Jesse Ryder the boxer
Plot A Kiwi remake of the... yep, you guessed it, animation classic Dumbo (for all those who guessed Rocky, ten points deducted for being clichéd). An oddity in a regimented world, young Jesse struggles to fit in. But then, with a little help from his friends, he discovers that, like everyone else, he too has a talent. For throwing punches. And so he makes good use of it and becomes a boxer, and Sylvester Stallone buys the motion picture rights to his life story.

One guy recently has been given a parliamentary role. One guy. Who already has enough functions to attend, ribbons to cut, ads to act in… Oh, and throw in the odd game of cricket now and then.

What if this catches on, and more cricketers were bestowed gubernatorial duties? Let's have a quick-see what this dream government cabinet (and friends) would look like.

Ministry of bilateral culture exchange This role requires someone with immense savvy, knowledge of how to get the best out of both involved parties, and powers of manipulation to attain his own selfish the larger good. Kevin Pietersen, step forward.

Oh my! Film stars are getting their hairdressers to work overtime. Unheard-of celebrities are clamouring for media time. This can only mean one thing. The biggest Bollywood extravaganza in the country is upon us again, by which I mean, of course, the Indian Premier League.

No, I'm kidding. The IPL isn't about Bollywood, it's actually India's answer to Cannes - showcasing advertising talent for two whole months, briefly interspersed with cricket so that audiences can take a loo break or microwave their popcorn.

I'm kidding again, of course. The IPL is all about the cricket, silly. It's all about DLF Maximums, Citi Moments of Success, Goldman Sachs Moments of Team-mate Dissent… Okay, fine. It's largely about the advertising.

Iceberg: Thing that we have probably only seen tip of, according to every news article about the trial. Also, thing that cricket is heading towards. Also type of lettuce, but this is probably not relevant at this time.

Tentacles: Thing that bookmakers have, as in "their tentacles reach everywhere". It is understood that football World Cup-predicting octopus Paul pioneered the use of tentacles in a bid to fix group games in South Africa 2010.

The Ashes For not being a competition to judge who the better arsonist is

All out Actually there is one who remains not out