Didn't they make a movie about it?
Recent cricket events that wouldn't look out of place on a Hollywood set
Samantha Pendergrast
20-Jul-2012
The Kamran Akmal movie tagline: Keeping is a beastly job • AFP
After Fire In Babylon got a lot of attention outside the cricketing world, Hollywood producers decided to commission work on some "true-life" cricket stories which they hope will turn into blockbuster hits or Oscar contenders - or at least Japanese remakes where everybody dies in the end. Here are a few ideas based on current events in the game that we will pitch to them. Send us your ideas in the comments.
Situation Nick Compton's quest for 1000 runs before the end of May
Plot The pacy "will he or won't he" plot is set against the background of picturesque though soggy English grounds. Apart from all the run-scoring and light meter-gazing, there's also plenty of broad dressing-room humour and feel-good earthy characters, like the groundsman who, wishing to have the 1000th scored on his pitch, flies to Colombo to steal a chunk of the SSC, which results in a comical side-story of him being chased half way across the world by Mahela Jayawardene screaming, "Nobody messes with my pitch!" There is also a spiritual angle when our anxious protagonist is visited in his dreams by his grandfather, who gives him batting and grooming tips and shares scandalous gossip about Cyril Washbrook and a pencil sharpener.
Plot The pacy "will he or won't he" plot is set against the background of picturesque though soggy English grounds. Apart from all the run-scoring and light meter-gazing, there's also plenty of broad dressing-room humour and feel-good earthy characters, like the groundsman who, wishing to have the 1000th scored on his pitch, flies to Colombo to steal a chunk of the SSC, which results in a comical side-story of him being chased half way across the world by Mahela Jayawardene screaming, "Nobody messes with my pitch!" There is also a spiritual angle when our anxious protagonist is visited in his dreams by his grandfather, who gives him batting and grooming tips and shares scandalous gossip about Cyril Washbrook and a pencil sharpener.
Situation Jesse Ryder the boxer
Plot A Kiwi remake of the... yep, you guessed it, animation classic Dumbo (for all those who guessed Rocky, ten points deducted for being clichéd). An oddity in a regimented world, young Jesse struggles to fit in. But then, with a little help from his friends, he discovers that, like everyone else, he too has a talent. For throwing punches. And so he makes good use of it and becomes a boxer, and Sylvester Stallone buys the motion picture rights to his life story.
Plot A Kiwi remake of the... yep, you guessed it, animation classic Dumbo (for all those who guessed Rocky, ten points deducted for being clichéd). An oddity in a regimented world, young Jesse struggles to fit in. But then, with a little help from his friends, he discovers that, like everyone else, he too has a talent. For throwing punches. And so he makes good use of it and becomes a boxer, and Sylvester Stallone buys the motion picture rights to his life story.
Situation Kevin Pietersen's one-day u-turn
Plot Somewhere in the near future, all cricketers have chips implanted in their heads to make them play with robotic regularity without the worry of fatigue, and to make them talk with mechanical precision without ever sounding like ungrateful wretches. One day, KP's chip gets short-circuited. At first, confused by the change in himself, he begins to flip out, but then on realising what has happened, he decides to reveal his true personality in the hope that other cricketers will join him in rebelling against the chip-inserting overlords. When they don't, he is forced to pretend it was all a programming error and bide his time. The dystopian world in which only one man grasps the truth, and the dehumanised cast of players - Andrew Strauss, MS Dhoni, Jacques Kallis, Shane Watson (no Pakistanis, obviously) - will create a chilling and oppressive environment that the audience won't be able to shake off till at least two more sequels.
Plot Somewhere in the near future, all cricketers have chips implanted in their heads to make them play with robotic regularity without the worry of fatigue, and to make them talk with mechanical precision without ever sounding like ungrateful wretches. One day, KP's chip gets short-circuited. At first, confused by the change in himself, he begins to flip out, but then on realising what has happened, he decides to reveal his true personality in the hope that other cricketers will join him in rebelling against the chip-inserting overlords. When they don't, he is forced to pretend it was all a programming error and bide his time. The dystopian world in which only one man grasps the truth, and the dehumanised cast of players - Andrew Strauss, MS Dhoni, Jacques Kallis, Shane Watson (no Pakistanis, obviously) - will create a chilling and oppressive environment that the audience won't be able to shake off till at least two more sequels.
Situation Kamran Akmal returns for Pakistan
Plot Absent-Minded Professor-meets-The Fly. After being wrongly accused of improper conduct and shunned by the people he worked so hard for, Kamran's life is in tatters. But things begin to look good when he's given a second chance and asked to return. Determined to do better than before, Kamran approaches a scientist for help. The scientist tweaks his DNA, and suddenly Kamran becomes an athletic creature, capable of running, diving, leaping and anticipating where the ball is going to go. But while he becomes a successful and popular keeper by day, the DNA alteration turns him into a ravenous beast by night. A beast that must eat umpires' brains to keep his day-time avatar working. The truth is revealed when, during one such feeding frenzy, Kamran bumps into Shahid, a beast that must consume the souls of kittens to keep his youthful looks intact. The two launch into a crazed fight, all teeth and claws, destroying half of Karachi as they try to hurl, round-house kick and bite the other to shreds. With the city in mayhem, the authorities turn to the only two men who can stop these monsters: Imran Khan and Javed Miandad. An epic battle between good and evil ensues. Shocking twist in the end involving former umpires Rudi Koertzen and Shakoor Rana and the catchphrase "Run, Scoobs!"
Plot Absent-Minded Professor-meets-The Fly. After being wrongly accused of improper conduct and shunned by the people he worked so hard for, Kamran's life is in tatters. But things begin to look good when he's given a second chance and asked to return. Determined to do better than before, Kamran approaches a scientist for help. The scientist tweaks his DNA, and suddenly Kamran becomes an athletic creature, capable of running, diving, leaping and anticipating where the ball is going to go. But while he becomes a successful and popular keeper by day, the DNA alteration turns him into a ravenous beast by night. A beast that must eat umpires' brains to keep his day-time avatar working. The truth is revealed when, during one such feeding frenzy, Kamran bumps into Shahid, a beast that must consume the souls of kittens to keep his youthful looks intact. The two launch into a crazed fight, all teeth and claws, destroying half of Karachi as they try to hurl, round-house kick and bite the other to shreds. With the city in mayhem, the authorities turn to the only two men who can stop these monsters: Imran Khan and Javed Miandad. An epic battle between good and evil ensues. Shocking twist in the end involving former umpires Rudi Koertzen and Shakoor Rana and the catchphrase "Run, Scoobs!"
All quotes and some "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?