The opening day of an Ashes series is always heavy with tension but after all the hype and speculation as to who would land the first blow in cricket's longest-running feud, it was actually a
bit of let-down. Australia and England slugged it out toe to toe
- or to be more accurate, microphone to microphone - but when
they turned out the lights in the Channel Nine commentary booth,
there was not so much as a drop of blood on the carpet.
Pairing Ian Botham and Ian Chappell together in the same studio
was a piece of matchmaking that belonged more to Mickey Duff and
Don King than Channel Nine, who, true to the Australian tradition
of fearless machismo, then went the whole hog by putting them on
air at the same time. Sky, on the other hand, kept them apart,
possibly because they were not quite as heavily insured against
breakages.
In the world of punditry, Botham and Chappell make Jimmy Hill and
Alan Hansen come across like Romeo and Juliet. It is a saga that
goes back 21 years and an altercation in a Melbourne bar close to
the MCG. Suffice to say that if either of them ever received a
Christmas parcel from the other, and heard it ticking, he would
not so much tear off the wrapping paper in the expectation of
discovering a Cartier watch as drop it into a bucket of water.
Chappell has neither been a great admirer of English cricket in
general down the years (sample offering: "The Poms' greatest
contribution to the game? They invented it.") nor of Botham in
particular. When Botham was recruited as unpaid bowling adviser,
Chappell's response was suitably unflattering. "The only thing
Botham can teach English cricketers is how to roll a spliff," he
said.
Needless to say, when the pair made their debut on an
eve-of-Test-match programme, it generated more electricity than
one of Brisbane's tropical storms. Chappell did his best to get
up Botham's nose by opining that England would not win a single
Test match in this series, and when the interviewer wound up the
show by asking whether the pair of them would be having a beer
together after the game, a lengthy period of silence was broken
by the Australian. "I won't be."
Botham, in turn, does not much care either for Chappell or for
Australia's long-running hauteur over opposition widely derided
in these parts as being just about capable of giving a game to
Tasmania's second XI. When it comes to preening over their
successes, Australia have few rivals and during this week's first
Test build-up, The Australian newspaper published pen pictures of
the team they pronounced to be the second best in the world. They
were Australia reserves.
Botham and Graham Gooch, the current tour manager, were
sufficiently upset to walk ostentatiously out of a dinner during
the 1992 World Cup here when an Australian comedian began making
jokes about the monarchy (although it was also a good excuse to
get out of a turgid evening) and Alec Stewart's patience was
similarly stretched on Wednesday night at another dinner at
Brisbane City Hall.
Officially billed as a welcome party for both teams, England's
players had to sit through an orgy of awards to seven Australian
cricketers - Border, Boon, Lillee, Warne, Marsh, Healy and Taylor
- not to mention a male soloist and a local youth choir belting
out a rendition of the Australian theme song for this series: Go,
Aussie, Go! At which point, Stewart decided there was only one
team that was going and they went, England, went.
However, if England thought they might finally be free of this
self-congratulatory atmosphere when the Test match came around,
they were sadly mistaken. As the teams lined up yesterday
morning, Mark Taylor took the rostrum to accept an award for his
100th Test appearance in a ceremony which went on for so long
that the Australian captain was finally left with only four
minutes to get his pads on.
It was probably a toss that Stewart was not unhappy to lose,
given that the Gabba is usually fast-bowler friendly on the
opening morning. Even so, this was not a pitch that was as firm
and bouncy as it was predicted to be, as we witnessed when Tony
Greig managed to sink the obligatory car key into the surface.
Cricket's commercial exploitation even manages to embrace this
little ceremony nowadays and as Greig's key slipped into the
turf, the cameras honed in to reveal that it also slipped into
the ignition of an Avis Rent-a-Car.
Australia's decision to bat postponed the duel between Michael
Atherton and Glenn McGrath, in which the Australian had publicly
promised to lay on his own fitness test for Atherton's back by
providing him with plenty of bending exercises. This, too,
according to Stewart anyway, helped in England's motivation and
there is little doubt that they are (for the moment, anyhow) a
much happier and focused team than we have seen abroad for some
time.
There was even a lighter side to the John Crawley business up in
Cairns, where the local police are investigating allegations that
he was punched by a local. Gooch, calling a press conference when
the team got to Brisbane, smilingly informed the media that the
inquiries were being conducted by ("straight up, I'm not
kidding") an Inspector Wardrobe. Cue jokes about an open and shut
case and hanging offences.
It also helps that those in charge of the team have a decent
relationship, which was certainly not the case on England's last
visit here in 1994-95. It got to the point where Raymond
Illingworth was so openly dismissive of Keith Fletcher that the
mild-mannered Fletcher finally cracked at a Sydney press
conference, where he referred to his meddling boss as "that
fwipping man Illinwurf".
Here, in stark contrast, the chairman of selectors, David
Graveney, is happy to leave the team's day-to-day affairs to a
(thus far) equally relaxed David Lloyd. Neither does Graveney
share Illingworth's capacity for grumbling should places like
Australia turn out to be something other than carbon copies of
his native Pudsey.
Graveney is far too genial a man to go around moaning if he can't
find a decent pint of Tetleys, or fish and chips wrapped in
newspaper, although his unflappable nature may yet be tested by
his recent attempt to pack in cigarettes. He is in the right
place for it, given that Australia is so anti-puffing that they
might yet bring in legislation to have the latest hit film here
renamed Lock, Stock, and Two Non-Smoking Barrels.
The players are also being better looked after than has sometimes
been the case in the past, and Gooch was recalling the other day
that the expenses for the World Cup here in 1992 were so mean
that he negotiated a new deal after spotting Stewart and Graeme
Hick carting their coloured clothing off to a Melbourne
laundromat.
Their accommodation here in Brisbane also has them verging on the
pampered and when Gooch went down to the hotel brasserie the
other night for a management meeting, the waiter asked him what
kind of beer he'd like. Gooch replied, tongue in cheek, that he
rather fancied a pint of Adnams but while the waiter regretfully
announced that this was not possible, he then despatched a taxi
to one of the local bottle shops to bring back some cans of
Theakstons.
"Just the one can," said Gooch, perhaps mindful that England
selection meetings in the past have aroused the suspicion that
several gallons of Old Headbanger must have been involved. One of
the more staggering statistics from the past five (losing) Ashes
series is that Australia have used 33 players, and England 56.
This time, though, they have at least avoided the negative
selection that many feared, even if Robert Croft's credentials as
a balancing addition to the attack was slightly tempered by his
end-of-season position in the domestic averages -142nd out of
144. There was also plenty of aggression from the quicker
bowlers, although Steve Waugh is such an old hand at this sort of
thing that he clearly found Alan Mullally's keenness to engage
him in short-syllabled conversation mildly amusing.
Meantime, up in the commentary box, Botham was nobly resisting
the urge to remind Chappell about his innings of 138 when England
came to Brisbane as even bigger underdogs than they started here,
and won at a canter. Mind you, this would only have given
Chappell the chance to compliment Botham on his long memory. It
is a hideous thought, is it not, that the man who celebrated his
100th Test yesterday had not even played his first when England
clinched their last Ashes series in December, 1986.