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The Index

Stretch that cash till it squeals

Twelve ways the IPL can show it respects the recession

S Aga
Gilchrist demonstrates a cavalier disregard for the bowling, and for the economic circumstances of our age  •  AFP

Gilchrist demonstrates a cavalier disregard for the bowling, and for the economic circumstances of our age  •  AFP

1. Use Sprite for the post-match celebrations.
Looks like champagne. Sort of. And if it was good enough for Indian players till about a couple of years ago, it's good enough for everyone. So there.
2. Have the players do their own laundry.
If it was good enough for the Indian… etc. Ask Bishan Bedi how he built up the strength in his spinning fingers back in the austere sixties. Clue: not by sending text messages.
3. Speaking of which, put Shane Warne on a no-cheese diet.
While you're at it, put him on a free-SMS cellphone plan as well. And take Lalit Modi's BlackBerry away. Instant savings amounting to about the GDP of a small African county.
4. Have Preity Zinta double up as a cheerleader.
All that Bollywood experience of dancing around trees must count for something. She jumps about enough as it is. Why not make use of a wasted resource?
5. Have the cheerleaders double up as ballgirls.
The first to incorporate a triple somersault in her retrieval routine gets seven free copies of the official IPL souvenir magazine.
6. Have Shah Rukh Khan fly economy as an austerity gesture.
Oh wait, he did that last year? Foresight, that man…
7. Recycle old Kolkata Knight Riders uniforms by shredding them for confetti to be used at the championship finale.
Save money, be environment-friendly.
8. Ask Gilchrist and Co to please rein themselves in while hitting sixes.
We're on a budget here. Can't have too many balls disappearing now.
9. Get the players to wear uniforms studded with little mirrors.
So they reflect light and the floodlights can be turned down, saving power. What do you mean Kolkata already have that covered?
10. Have the crowd play noughts and crosses at the end of the game.
Do you know how much those fireworks cost?
11. Hook Ravi Shastri's larynx up to a generator.
That should put a dent in the electricity bill.
12. Restrict Mandira Bedi to a strict ration of haircuts during the tournament.
If she has to manage with 16, she has to manage with 16.