Let them entertain us

Rahul Dravid, Virender Sehwag and Sachin Tendulkar: As an ice-breaker, the show will start with a short quiz between the three Indian batsmen. While Sehwag and Tendulkar will have to be persuaded to participate, Dravid will rush up the stage, two steps at a time, as soon as he hears the words "quiz" and "test your brains". But he's disappointed because the questions revolve around celebrities attending IPL matches and the lyrics to the Deccan Chargers team song. Tendulkar will shock everyone with his ultra-competitive manner, jumping and snatching the mike, even for questions he doesn't know the answers to. He'll taunt the others, Miandad-style, when they lag behind and fight bitterly for points. Sehwag will declare the questions "ordinary" and refuse to answer any.

Shane Warne: Obviously you thought we'd go with the card-trick idea because he plays poker. But we loathe stereotypes as much as the family-drama soaps we grew up watching do. Warne's on-stage performance will, in fact, be a real jaw-dropper. The emcee will randomly select young women from the audience and Warne will guess their phone numbers. David Blain will look like a failed audition for Harry Potter once Warne is done and the prize will be a group date for the ladies with the magician.

Sreesanth: Someone has to dance if this is going to an Indian awards show, I say.

Sourav Ganguly: Based on the recent athleticism he has shown, for the first time in his career, Ganguly will be asked to perform some acrobatic feats so we can all be convinced the on-field displays weren't camera tricks. These will include standard moves like standing on his hands while reciting the IPL's confidentiality clause, somersaulting over a table, and playing fetch with Shahrukh Khan.

Shane Bond and Brendon McCullum: The fashion show we've all been waiting for. McCullum and Bond will model Lee's line of underwear, much to the outrage of Warne, who is Lee's rival in the essential clothing business (insert chuddi-buddy joke here). The show will be a huge success and Calvin Klein, Hugo Boss and Jockey will start a bidding war to have the two New Zealanders endorse their brands. Our suggestions for billboards: "Hugo Baz" and "Shane Bond: stripped not shaken".

Chris Gayle: As if we'd ask the creator of cool to "perform". All Gayle will do is stand on the stage. The despairing looks on the faces of everyone who is not him but really wants to be will be entertaining enough. Blessed.

Sanath Jayasuriya: A Sanath performance isn't on the programme card, so the audience will be surprised when the Matara Marauder labours his way on to the stage and launches into a rousing campaign speech, calling for more openness in politics and how the people have spoken for change. He has to be reminded that he is already an elected member of the Sri Lankan parliament and that most of the guests are not eligible to vote for him anyway, before he can be led away.