'When did someone transport the Nagpur wicket to Lord's?'

That was after the first Test, but wise England fans didn't commit to an answer.

This was wise, because despite excellent preparations…

… the second Test started badly.

Then it got worse.

And then it got worse still.

The excitement was all too much for Shane Warne, who developed some sort of eating disorder.

So in answer to Saqlain Mushtaq's question, what do we think of England's performance so far this Ashes? They need to channel Kirk Edwards and show more positive energy.

England's deterioration in fortunes came at least partly thanks to Australia's coven of Mitches.

Three fast bowlers, all called Mitch?

Jimmy Neesham's least favourite Mitch moment was as follows.

Neesham was asked whether that was innuendo. Disappointingly, he didn't answer: "In YOUR endo."

Maybe he hadn't yet had his morning coffee.

Nor did his week improve.

Meanwhile, over in the Caribbean, it's all pretty much business as usual.

Chris Gayle has gone from referring to himself in the third person to addressing himself as if he's a completely different person.

While it's all go in Kemar Roach's world.

Anything else?

Whatever next?

Somewhere in the world, there is always a cricketer complaining about air travel.

But there are signs of change. Some are adopting more of a "glass half full" attitude.